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December 18, 2013

How to Have a Very Merry ScreamFree Christmas….Sort Of.

Image: Flickr/Flood G.

Image: Flickr/Flood G.

With Christmas only a few days away I thought it would be a great idea to give you a guide on how to stay calm during the time of year when all is supposed to be merry and bright. With holiday parties and family gatherings on your agenda sometimes we run into situations where we want to be anything but ScreamFree.
Because I realize that in the days to come you might have the urge to yell, scream or run away, I wanted to present you with a gift. I have compiled a list of the most emotionally explosive powder kegs that you are likely to face and the ScreamFree response for each. If you playfully follow my advice, you too could have a very Merry ScreamFree Christmas.
Here we go…
Situation #1
Your spouse gives you a Christmas gift that you know you will never use or wear. As a matter of fact, you know that after today, this gift will never see the light of day again.
The ScreamFree Response
Hold the up the gift and say, “Wow…a _______ (insert name of item)!” Be really careful not to make this sentence sound like a question. You want to be emphatic! “Wow… an Emergency Roadside Assistance Kit!”
Then, look at them gingerly and say, “I love you more and more each Christmas. Not because of the gifts, but because of you.”
This way you honestly declare your love for them while ignoring the hideousness of their gift.
Situation #2
You are at the annual family/work Christmas party and the host is playing Christmas carols. The problem is that they always play the really horrible carols like Christmas Shoes and Santa Baby.
The ScreamFree Response
Before arriving at the party stop by Target and go on a shopping spree of Christmas CDs. Buy some really good music from Mariah Carey or Michael Bublé. Maybe even some classics from Andy Williams or Bing Crosby. Stay away from any music produced in the late 1990s from boy bands or female pop stars that were under the age of 21. Just trust me on that one.
Wrap the music in a nice package and present it to the host saying, “I know how much you like Christmas music and I though you might like these.” After saying this, hand over the gift and simply walk away. You might have to endure the bad playlist at this year’s party, but the next one is only a year away. Hope is on the horizon.
Situation #3
You are newly married and you discover that your spouse wants to open gifts on Christmas Eve and not Christmas Day.
The ScreamFree Response
Calmly tell them that they are just plain wrong and then walk away. Just kidding.
Playfully tell them, “I don’t see how we can open gifts before Santa Claus arrives. Everyone knows he comes sometime between midnight and 5am on what is actually Christmas Day.”
This will probably invite them to get really serious with you and begin bringing up something about family traditions and such.
At this point say, “I understand, but I would love to begin a new tradition with you.”
This way you end up sounding sweet and understanding while avoiding their original request. It works 87% of the time.
Special Note…
This is my attempt at a little Holiday satire. It is in no way a real solution to some of the typical issues that surround the Holidays.
So here is a real piece of advice. When it comes to any weird Holiday situation involving those you love so dear, calmly and honestly represent yourself to your spouse, child or family member. Your example of calm and honesty may be the greatest gift they could ever receive.
Merry Christmas.


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