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May 26, 2015

Ask the Expert — Just Do It!

Kelvin headshot Oct2013In your seminars, you talk about how one of the best things we can give our kids is a strong and healthy marriage. As much as I agree, my husband and I are finding it hard to even breathe, much less connect with each other. I thought things would get less hectic as our kids got older, but it is only getting worse. How can we, as parents, better maintain our strong relationship when our kids take so much of our time?

This is a great question and one that my wife and I struggle with as well. My answer may sound too simplistic to be effective, but here it is: Just do it — just find the time. Now, reading this will probably conjure up memories of all the times you’ve tried to “just do it” and failed. I get that. I’ve failed as well. I’ve learned, however, that the reason for my failure was often because I didn’t have enough leverage in the area I wanted most.

It sounds like what you want most is for you and your husband to have a great relationship as you raise your children. This is possible, but you may need to develop enough leverage to make this a reality. You develop leverage by discovering the reason “why” you must make this happen. I believe you stated that you are finding it hard to breathe and connect with your spouse. Voila…there it is, there is your reason. You want to breathe and connect. Let me ask you: What happens to your marriage if you both run out of oxygen? What happens if you lose your connection? We all know what happens. The marriage dies. That cannot be allowed to happen!

How strongly do you believe that last statement? That’s your leverage. Focus on your why and then prioritize it. Schedule time with your spouse and then follow through with it. The great thing about scheduled time is that it doesn’t have to involve anything fancy, it just has to be scheduled and lived out. For instance, renting a movie and eating some take out for two can be done in your own house. It is a cheap date at home. It is nothing big, but it is something doable. That’s what you are looking for — doable moments.

It seems that life continues to get more and more hectic, but there can be an oasis in the desert of busyness. Make time for the little moments. Take five or ten minutes here, thirty minutes there. Your marriage is too valuable to let the doable moments that are present pass you by.

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