“Love is two solitudes that touch and greet and protect each other.”
(Rainer Maria Rilke)

Perhaps the biggest mistake couples make is assuming once they get married they are, forevermore, one combined unit. There is no more “I,” there is only “we.” Like conjoined twins, they are bound to feel the same things in the same ways, pursue the same goals at the time same time, and agree on everything always.

Then reality sets in. They are still two separate individuals — even after the wedding. They don’t always feel the same way at the same time. They don’t always want the same things in the same way. They don’t always agree.

Successful couples — ScreamFree couples — recognize that getting married doesn’t mean becoming any less of an individual. You are still an individual; now you are simply committed and connected to another individual. It is this type of individuality that allows you to connect well.

Connection is really only possible when each of us takes personal responsibility for all of our feelings, choices, and actions — regardless of our spouse’s feelings, choices, and actions. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, that is the only way two shall ever become one: by remaining two at the same time.

Peace begins with pause,

“A schedule defends from chaos and whim.”
(Annie Dillard)

As in all areas of life, there are two extremes to following a routine: All, or nothing. Most people naturally gravitate towards one of those two poles and in doing so, they miss the point entirely.

A good schedule provides a balance of work time with down time and gives everyone involved a sense of purpose. In parenting, for instance, if you have school-age children, now is a perfect time to reevaluate your routines and make sure you’re emphasizing the things you find most important. If your kids are still too young for school, that doesn’t exempt you from creating a schedule. They probably need one even more than the older ones. What times of the day are most stressful to you?

Maybe all you need to do is build in a little more structure around those times in order for everyone to function better. Give it a shot.

Peace begins with pause,

“A man’s biggest mistake is to believe that he’s working for someone else.”
(Nashua Cavalier)

As most of us head back in to work today, let’s embrace a freeing truth: We don’t have to. None of us have to go to work today at all, much less the particular jobs we occupy.

Now, yes, most of us need to earn income. And yes, most of us have made commitments we may be financially or ethically obligated to fulfill. But these realities don’t change whether we have to go to work; they just change the cost of deciding not to. If you’re willing to accept the cost of leaving your job, leaving your bosses & coworkers, and perhaps going AWOL, you certainly can do so if you choose.

I’m not encouraging any of us to abandon our work; far from it. What I’m encouraging is for each of us to own our work.

We are each working by choice, a free decision made by our responsible selves. And we cannot blame others for our own choices.

So what if we choose to go to work today, instead of resentfully going in because we have to?

Peace begins with pause,

“Be aware that a halo only has to fall a few inches to become a noose.”
(Dan McKinnon, Canadian singer-songwriter)

When we try so hard to do everything perfectly, perhaps portraying the “model” mom or dad, we might as well think of it as tightening a noose. We are not only choking the life out of our own experiences, but we’re unwittingly teaching our kids that anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.

This is not to say we should stop trying our best to be a good parent. It just means we should readjust our idea of what being a good parent, or partner, or person means.

Reclaim your sense of humor and your ability to learn from your mistakes. Be coachable instead of perfect and a couple of things will happen: You’ll not only be more fun to be around, but you just might teach something attainable and valuable to the ones who are watching.

Peace begins with pause,

“There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hang on to someone who won’t stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won’t go?”
(Danny DeVito’s character in “War of the Roses”)

When we sense our partner distancing from us, we try to pull our partner closer. Of course, this tends to make them want to pull even further away. By trying to make your spouse do something, you’re creating a need—an expectation you’re obligating your partner to meet. Nothing is more unattractive than a needy spouse. In fact, it can be downright repulsive.

Often, when partners distance themselves they act like a rubber band—they stretch away and then come springing back. It seems counterintuitive to let someone pull away, but, if you let your partner stretch, like a rubber band they’ll eventually snap back creating intimacy and closeness. They’ll appreciate your trust, get in touch with their desires, and respect your ability to stay calm through their growth process. Sometimes a partner needs the opportunity to pull away so they can decide—independently—to be close.

When it comes to any sort of push-pull, save it for yourself: Push yourself to remain calm, and do whatever you can to pull yourself together. With your integrity intact, you’ll find that you will attract your partner to yourself—no effort or force required.

Peace begins with pause,

One of the reasons I love public speaking so much is the opportunity to see in real time the effect of our words on the faces of leaders, parents, couples, and teens. I then get to interact directly, and learn whether our conversation is having a positive impact.

Well, even in our digital age, such personal connection is hard to replicate. But I must say, reading the hundreds of replies you all sent us yesterday came quite close.

Thank you. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Thank you for the intimate stories of your lives, and the testimonies of how we’ve been able to shape those stories in a better direction, together.

You’ve helped me see a little of our impact, and I’m so grateful. Hopefully, through our work in 2018, you’ll feel equally as encouraged about the impact you have on others.

Peace begins with pause,

In honor of his birthday today, Hal is taking the day off from the Pause. So, today, you get to practice everything you’ve already learned.

And on that note, the rest of us at ScreamFree have a favor to ask. If Hal has helped you lead a calmer, happier life, how about taking a few moments to respond to this message and let him know how his work has impacted you.

Hal will be back with you at his regularly scheduled time tomorrow.

Peace,

The ScreamFree Team

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”
(Oprah Winfrey)

If I had one last breath, to utter one last piece of advice, it would be this:

Right now, in this immediate moment, list 5 things you’re grateful for:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now smile.

Speaking of gratitude, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for the amazing things you’ve been writing in to our team about the new Pause Platform. Let me share just a few with you here, because it makes me so happy to know that we’re helping make such a difference in people’s lives:

“I just wanted to say that I am so excited about this program! I have a very STRONG-WILLED daughter and need help with the constant bickering, excuse making, attitude, and sense of entitlement. I am 100% certain that I have contributed to her behavior. Hal, thank you for putting this program together for parents like me!” – Ashley

“Embracing a consistent practice of the ScreamFree Principles really helped me learn how to calm myself when I felt triggered and not pick up the gauntlet and go into battle! Excited to be here! Thanks for creating this platform and community where we can learn and share our stories!!” – Rayanne

“This is incredibly exciting. A revolution in the making! So excited to be on this journey with others who desire similar goals for their family and children. I’m MOST excited about this platform because it gives me an interactive way to engage with others beyond the Daily Pause. And, my husband is interested in his own membership, especially since this isn’t just reading the book. Thank you, ScreamFree. I have been a fan and advocate for years!” – Sara

“This is the best parenting program I have ever had the honor of being associated with, check this out.” – Heather

If you haven’t checked it out yet, why not start your 100% risk-free trial to see if the Pause Platform can help you create the family life you want most.

Peace begins with pause,

This is the ultimate challenge for those wanting a truly great relationship—how do I remain “me” while having a deep, intimate relationship with “you”?”
(John & Linda Friel, The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do)

Far too often, it seems like we married folks are facing a choice—pursuing a better “we” or pursuing a better “me.”
One can feel self-suffocating, especially when it seems like we’re giving up more than our spouse in order to keep the relationship connected. The other can feel self-serving, like doing what’s best for me is antithetical to the whole idea of being married in the first place.

In my relationship coaching, I see a lot of marriages where one spouse does more “me,” and the other does more “we.” What gets lost in the mess is how the whole choice is a false dichotomy. It’s not an either/or. The best spouses find a way to strengthen their selves, and their marriages, at the same time (forgive the grammar).

The way forward is neither “me” nor “we”; the way forward is with a different pronoun altogether—a strong “I”. As in: “I’m choosing to go out with my friends one night this week, because doing so helps me be more fully present the other six.”

Or: “I’m choosing to NOT go out with my friends tonight because I really just wanna be with you.”

Or, if you dare: “ I apologize for my part in our recent fight,” (even if you think your spouse needs to apologize first).

Peace begins with pause,

“Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.”
(Robert Byrne)

The quote above is obviously sarcastic, but sarcasm is funny because it hints at the truth—sometimes it’s almost impossible to like our kids. We always love them, but that doesn’t me we always like them. They can annoy us, bug us, and even drive us crazy by making dumb decisions and ridiculous requests. And then the next moment, they can crush us with one smile.

Byrne’s suggestion is to go ahead and dislike them before they annoy us. I actually believe he’s not completely off from the truth. In order to have great balanced, respectful relationships with our kids, we have to be able to rise above the fray. This doesn’t mean dislike them, per say, but it does mean we should let go of the need for them to perform, or behave, for our approval ratings.

Are you ready to start making these types of changes in your life? There is no better way than to start your free trial of the Pause Platform.

Peace begins with pause,