“This above all: to thine own self be true; And it must follow, as the night the day; thou canst not then be false to any man.”
(William Shakespeare, Hamlet)

Being true to yourself does not mean indulging or pampering yourself to the neglect of others; nor does it mean that whatever you believe is the right thing all the time. It simply means you’ll be better off as a person, a partner, and as a parent if you figure out what is important to you and then honestly direct your actions to match your beliefs. Plain and simple, it means acting with integrity.

Too many times, when dealing with others, we say yes to something we don’t really want to do, or something we deep down think is wrong. Then we passive-aggressively allow our actions and attitudes to make our displeasure very clear.

For instance, if you think your child is old enough to clean his own bathroom, then don’t clean it for him and then grumble and complain he isn’t responsible. Or, if you believe your spouse is being hurtful, but you claim everything is just “fine,” don’t get pouty because he’s not reading your real feelings.

Acting untrue to yourself takes much more mental and emotional energy than simply standing up for what you believe and holding your head up in the process.

Peace begins with pause,

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.”
(Henry David Thoreau)

This may seem like common sense, but far too many parents overlook this obvious fact: Children are unique individuals who grow and mature at their own pace. We love to compare milestones and accomplishments of even the youngest of tots and with the plethora of information available to us we can do so nonstop.

But heed this warning: Comparing your child to others rarely does anyone any good. If we’re honest, we usually do it to relieve our own anxiety and guess what happens in the process? We create even more. Relax. Enjoy your child and let him or her hear the drummer they hear rather than the constant pounding of the pressure you put on them to measure up to their peers.

Peace begins with pause,

“We have, I fear, confused power with greatness.”
(Stuart L. Udall)

Far too often, parents who fear their authority slipping away simply tighten their grip; it’s an effort to convince their children (and themselves) they still hold all the cards. That kind of insecurity, paradoxically, only lessens the amount of influence those parents had in the first place.

Instead, we should focus our efforts on using our power in loving and helpful ways. We should strive to lead and serve our children by showing them the path to adulthood—maturity, patience, optimism, admitting fault, forgiving others, and above all, not getting reactive when things, or people, don’t go our way.

That’s true power.

Peace begins with pause,

“People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them.”
(Rabbi Edwin Friedman)

Like gravity and motion, there are a few natural laws of relationship that simply cannot be denied. One of them is this:

You cannot chase somebody into a mutual embrace. If you want someone to respect you, listen to you, and find you appealing, you cannot chase them down.

The very act of our desperate pursuit makes us unattractive. The reason behind this law is simple—when we’re being chased by someone, we automatically assume they want something from us, and we assume they are more interested in controlling our reaction than they are in inviting our response.

Only by learning to slow down, back off, and sit with our anxiety can we ever have the chance to influence those we used to want to control.

This weekend, examine your efforts to “get” someone to do something. Are these efforts working? What would happen if you stopped chasing?

Peace begins with pause,

“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
(Oscar Wilde)

When your child is on the rampage for a good fight, the worst thing you can do is give her one.

Rise above the fray of the moment and lovingly stand your ground with complete calm. It takes a good amount of self-discipline, but you’ll be amazed at the results once you can do it. Your kids will get so frustrated at you for being so mature instead of the other way around – you becoming frustrated with them for being immature.

It’s a much better position to be in – and, it can be pretty entertaining to watch. Just be sure to stifle your grin when your kids, in all earnestness, cry out, “Mom! Stop agreeing with me and being so calm!!!”

When your child is trying her best to irritate you and engage you in a battle of wills, nothing – and I mean nothing – will frustrate her more than your unwavering sense of cool. She will likely up her game in order to get you off yours, but that’s when you can remember this:

Our kids test us in order to trust us; when we remain calm and connected we actually pass the test.

Peace begins with pause,

“Indecision may or may not be my problem.”
(Jimmy Buffett)

What would change about your life if you were more decisive? If you deliberated less and decided more? Here are some possibilities:

—you would get more accomplished
—you would feel more scared at times
—you would learn lessons about yourself, both powerful and painful
—you would become more attractive to those around you
—you would upset some people
—you would actually experience some of the personal growth and life change you’ve always craved
—you would feel less comfortable, but far more confident

Does that sound appealing to you? Or would you rather deliberate a little longer?

Peace begins with pause,

“Grasp the subject, the words will follow.”
(Cato the Elder, 234–149 B.C.E.)

Sometimes, when parents first encounter ScreamFree Parenting, they beg us: “Just tell me exactly what I need to say to get my kids to behave!”

Believe me, I totally understand that desire. But we’d be doing those parents and their children a grave disservice if we just gave them an authoritarian assignment, without any foundational instruction. Why?

For one reason, both kids and parents are unique. There is no one-size-fits-all technique out there for any issue. And even if there were, the “right” technique employed for the wrong reason can be just as harmful as anything else.

This is why we’ve created The Pause Platform. It simplifies and amplifies all the ScreamFree Parenting principles, all the while using entertainment and challenges to change our mindset from within.

When parents simply focus on grasping and growing into these principles, they won’t have to try so hard to say and do all the right things. I’ve seen it thousands of times. To these ScreamFree Parents, their kids look less like problems to solve and more like people to love.

And once this happens, just about any words will do.

Peace begins with pause,

Right before you taxi down the runway, flight attendants share a simple message. “In the case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling compartment.” You know what they’re going to say next, right?

“Please make sure your own oxygen mask is firmly in place before attempting to help others.”

If you can’t breathe, you cannot help others. In fact, if you pass out, you become a liability – someone others have to take care of.

This isn’t just true on airplanes. You must take care of yourself and your own needs in order to be the best parent, spouse, co-worker, or boss you can be. Getting lost in the day-to-day chaos and ignoring the outlets that once brought you so much life won’t help anyone. It only leaves you ragged, resentful, and restless – which means others will end up having to take care of you.

So today and this weekend, put on your own oxygen mask first. Call a few friends and make time to reconnect. Do something outdoors, without a screen in your hand. Sleep in. You’ll feel recharged, revitalized, and ready to tackle whatever life brings your way next week.

(This is one of the core principles of ScreamFree Parenting, which you can learn to practice in a profound way through our Pause Platform. Have you signed up yet?)

Peace begins with pause,

“Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.”
(Anna Freud)

Let’s face it; when it comes to relationships, we’ve all received some bad training over the years. Divorce. Mean girls. Crazy exes. Narcissistic parents.

Even if you had the greatest parents, and the greatest friends, though, you’ve been bombarded with entertainment-driven relationship messages your whole life. This includes sitcom pictures of dysfunction, where crises seem to find unrealistic resolution within 30 minutes, to hyper-romantic stories, where the struggle to find “the one” is seen as the real journey (as opposed to the enormously more difficult journey of actually living with that “one” ever after).

To a varying degree, this bad relationship training has left us all with some unrealistic pictures of how relationships work, and some unmet expectations of how they’re supposed to feel.

Thankfully, we humans can always overcome this bad training. All it takes is a conscious effort to question what’s “common knowledge,” and a willingness to be creative, explore new ways of thinking and relating.

To whatever degree we can help you do so, and thus enjoy the relationships you’ve always craved, that’s our mission at ScreamFree.

[And speaking of…have you signed up for your free trial of The Pause Platform? Early Enrollment is now open for a limited time. I hope you’ll check it out.]

Peace begins with pause,

“You play the hand you’re dealt; I think the game’s worthwhile.”
(Christopher Reeve)

Today I get to go under the knife of a surgeon, fixing my hip flexor tendon that was apparently damaged after my hip replacement a year ago. As my wife Jenny knows better than anyone, this will be my 7th surgery in the last 15 years, repairing some part of my body. (By comparison, she’s only had two, so I win. Of course, hers were both because of cancer, so there’s that).

When people hear about our journey they sometimes offer pity, but usually just get curious. The reality is that I just didn’t inherit the best structural body from my folks. Oh, well; no one gets a perfect hand.

For whatever reason, God dealt me an Ace of Hearts for a wife, and about a 4 of Clubs for a back/hip structure. Throw in another Ace for my kids, though, and you’ve got the makings of a pretty decent hand.

I’ll take it.

BTW, Superman offered that quote above after he was paralyzed from the neck down; I’ll be just fine.

Peace begins with pause,