““Yes, yes, oh God, yes!!” means Go; anything else means No.”

(Hal Runkel)

Bill Cosby. Charlie Rose. Louie CK. Al Franken. Roy Moore. We are in the midst of special times, witnessing one of the best outgrowths of the feminist revolution: Exposing weak men who use their power and influence to take advantage over women sexually, and exposing a culture that shames women for their sexuality and then excuses men for not controlling theirs.

And during this time, I have an 18yo son, a senior in high school, preparing to launch out into a much bigger world of sexual potential, freedom, and consequence. This has me thinking very carefully about all these issues, and specifically about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Below is an excerpt of some thoughts I’m writing to him in a book I’ll give him when he graduates:

Brandon, thanks to the feminist revolution, the sanction of gay marriage, and new radical conversations about gender, we’re in a fascinating age of sexuality. And 2017 has seen another giant leap, this time about sexual harassment and assault. One Hollywood or Washington player after another has been publicly accused of using their power or influence to take advantage of women. It’s left us all wondering who’s next to fall from grace.

It’s also left us wondering just how common any kind of sexual violence really is. Thanks to the revelation of the #metoo movement on social media. So many women are feeling freer than ever to reveal the truth about their own experiences as sexual victims. This is tragic and heartbreaking, and at some level, it has affected almost every woman you know.

With this in mind, Brandon, as you become a bigger, stronger, more successful, and more attractive man, I want you to carefully consider your pursuit of romance. The world is going to preach louder than ever the need for consent, as in…”Before proceeding to the next sexual step with a woman, you need to secure her explicit consent.” I understand this prescription, and perhaps it is a great next step in this fight against inequality. But son, I want you to hear me very clearly: Screw consent. You, and the woman you’re pursuing, are better than that. Go for what you really want instead: Enthusiastic Mutual Desire.

Let me explain. You don’t want “consent” from a woman, passively agreeing to proceed in a legalistic way—you want her to want you. This is why you’re dating her, or asking her out, or marrying her—you want her to want you as much as you want her.

This is the reason any and all efforts to “get” a woman are not just manipulative and wrong, they’re ineffective. Manipulating a woman into any kind of sexual activity, from forcing an awkward conversation all the way up to forcing a rape, is not only horrifically wrong and deserving of punishment, it eliminates the possibility of experiencing what you really want…to be genuinely wanted!! Manipulating or forcing a woman to engage on anything sexual, in the name of feeling wanted by her, is the ultimate backfire—any move in that direction actually communicates you don’t really believe you’re desirable. And whenever you don’t believe you are an attractive man, no one else will either.

That’s the irony of all these powerful men and their crimes. Sexual control of any kind is the ultimate sign of an immature, insecure man. Either he’s way too Alpha, narcissistically using his power to trap a woman into feeding his entitlement (which nurses his insecurity), or way too Beta, exposing himself to a woman because he feels he has no legitimate desirability (which feeds his insecurity).

Son, my hope is that you find a lifelong romantic partner, who wants you as much as you want her. And I hope every progression of your romantic life with her is filled w/ a “Yes, yes, oh God, yes!” kind of Enthusiastic Mutual Desire from both of you. In order to find that kind of mutual attraction, set your standards ridiculously high, and proceed with caution. Some guidelines:

–if your attraction efforts require practicing a manipulative technique of any kind, then your intention is not genuine and your insecurity is speaking louder than anything else
–if a woman has more than two drinks, she cannot authentically consent, much less show Enthusiastic Mutual Desire. Messing around with a drunk woman is like kissing a warm corpse. Be a good man, and take her home to her place.
–if you use any kind of advantage to pressure a girl to like you or go to bed with you, you have assaulted her, and you have failed yourself and your truest desire. This refers to a physical advantage, financial advantage, positional authority, influential advantage, anything. You cannot pressure a woman into an Enthusiastic Mutual Desire; it’s not only morally wrong, it’s philosophically impossible.

So, Brandon, when you find yourself in that weird romantic moment with a woman you desire, and wondering how to proceed to a next step, just remember this:  “Yes, yes, oh God, yes!!” means Go; anything else means No.

Peace begins with pause,

“We would frequently be ashamed of our good deeds if people saw all of the motives that produced them.”
(Francois de La Rochefoucauld)

I don’t know why we call this intense shopping day “Black Friday.” Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say “Red Friday?” as in “My bank account will be in the red after this Friday?”

Just remember this as you’re forking over your hard-earned cash: The motivation behind a gift speaks far louder than the gift itself:

–If you’re buying more for your kids in order to make up for your absence throughout the year, for instance, they know it.
–If you’re buying too much so you can, for a few months, mask your insecurity that you’re not likable unless you keep up with the Joneses, the Joneses will know it.
—if you’re buying too much for anyone, especially your kids, in order to avoid having the difficult conversations your gut keeps nagging you about, your gut will know it and start speaking louder.

If, however, you’re buying gifts with no agenda whatsoever, but just to shower the people you love with love, and you expect absolutely nothing in return (even a thank you) go for it with wild abandon.

Just don’t expect to be in the black afterwards.

Peace begins with pause,

“Smile, it’s free therapy.”
(Douglas Horton)

Next week you can go back to being resentful, anxious, and angry. Today, just smile. Even if you can only think of one thing to smile about (Ron Burgundy, anyone?), work on that smile all day today.

Here are some other prompts:

—the sound of your kid laughing
—the memory of the best kiss you ever had
—the joy you felt watching your fiancé say “yes!”
—the sheer fun of “Stranger Things”
—the smell of fried (not roasted!) turkey
—the knowledge that you only have to see these family members once all year

Use anything to smile today. I bet you’ll feel better.

Peace begins with pause,

“Honor thy father and thy mother, so that life may go well for you.”
(The 5th of the Ten Commandments, The Hebrew Bible)

Gratitude assignment for the day: List 3 to 5 things about both your father and your mother for which you’re extremely thankful.

This may be easy if you have/had amazing parents who loved you, never expected anything in return, and supported you becoming you. List ten things if you can.

This may be extremely difficult, however, if you have/had narcissistic parents who smothered or abandoned you, demanded your obedience and respect, and resented you becoming you.

Do this exercise anyway. I dare you. Not for them, but for you. When you can be grateful for something about your parents, you can actually free yourself from some of your resentment (which actually keeps you bound to them, and to your past, in a painful way.)

Just 3 to 5 things about each. You don’t have to tell them to their face (or to their grave); you don’t have to tell anybody. But stretch yourself to do it.

Peace begins with pause,

“When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.”
(Gilbert K. Chesterton)

…is to just say thank you. Say it briefly, without much fanfare, and without expecting anything in return.

Just look around your life and note some little things your SO (significant other) does to make your life possible.

—makes coffee in the morning
—gets the kids dressed
—pays the bills
—mows the lawn
—handles awkward invitations/intrusions from extended family
—brings home the bacon
—sends you a text to let you know they’re thinking about you
—talks to the kids’ teachers
—keeps the bar stocked
—handles all your travel arrangements
—shampoos the dang dog
—apologizes when he’s wrong
—gently touches you as she walks by
—makes an effort to stay fit and clean and well-dressed

Your mission today, should you choose to accept: Find something small and offer a quick thank you…via text, gentle touch as you’re walking by them on your way to another room, or note on their dash.

(and if you’re sitting there thinking, “But she never says thank you to me!” then this assignment is especially for you.

Peace begins with pause,

“I thank God for my handicaps, for through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God.”
(Helen Keller)

Thanksgiving’s on Thursday here in the U.S., so why not have a week of gratitude.* The rest of the week we’ll have some assignments, but for today, some thoughts:

What’s the opposite of gratitude? Well, ingratitude, of course. But there’s more. As I’ve coached and spoken to thousands around the world, I’ve learned gratitude has some other opposites as well:

–Fear, because being thankful for everything can actually lead us to welcome anything…even those things that scare us.
–Loneliness, because feeling grateful connects us with God and the universe (and makes us more attractive people without even trying)
–Anxiety, because choosing to think on the enormous blessings in life, instead of what we don’t have, tends to ward off our worries

And perhaps most of all, the opposite of gratitude is anger, because while anger is hating the way things are, gratitude is loving what is.

*On Friday I promised to address more of the growing movement against social media this week, but it’s Thanksgiving! (I’ll share some thoughts on Twitter and the like next week.)

Peace begins with pause,

In a recent article, former Facebook President Sean Parker shockingly confirmed some of our worst fears about social media. I’ll have more to say about it next week, but for now, let this sink in:

“The thought process that went into building these applications, Facebook being the first of them, … was all about: ‘How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?’”

The currency of the 21st century is attention-span, and giving it away is never free. So let’s ask ourselves, this weekend: When I’m giving away my attention to social media, what am I giving up as well?

Peace begins with pause,

“The hardest habit to break is breaking the habits of others.”

(Rabbi Edwin Friedman)

Most of us have heard of “codependency” in alcoholic relationships. The wife covers for her husband’s hangover, excuses his offensive behavior, etc.

Unless we’ve been there, few of us can see ourselves doing the same thing. But it’s almost impossible to avoid in long-term romantic relationships. At some point, all of us take too much responsibility for someone else’s problem. Whether it’s her chronic lateness, or his porn addiction, or her doing too much for the kids, or his stubborn refusal to apologize, partners all too often, in the name of helping, actually make the problem worse.

Here’s how:

Actively encouraging or provoking:

—nagging them to stop or threatening to leave

—passive-aggressively laying information around

—triangulating someone else in, like his mother, or one of the kids, or her best friend

—talking about the problem in front of others

Or,

Passively allowing or accepting:

—not saying anything, even when it affects you

—making excuses in your head, or to others in order to protect your partner

—telling yourself the only other option is to leave the relationship

—never talking to a professional about it

When you find yourself focusing more attention on a behavior pattern of your partner’s, and engaging any of the behaviors above in order to address it, you’re probably making it worse.

Peace begins with pause,

“If we had no faults, we should not take pleasure in noting those of others.”
(Francois VI, duc de La Rochefoucauld)

If you’re looking for a quick pull-me-down, compare your kids to your friends’ perfect offspring. If you think your kids are inferior, then there you go.

However, this depression-maker works even if you find your own kids to be superior in their accomplishments, looks, social skills, etc. See, once we start comparing as a way to judge how we’re supposed to feel about ourselves (or by extension, our kids), feeling superior in one match-up leads us to seek out more:

“Wow, my Ethan is definitely turning out to be better looking than Aiden down the street…I bet he ends up even more handsome than Dylan.”

That’s the only possible ending point in a comparison journey—a false sense of superiority until your soul is crushed by an inevitable victor.

Peace begins with pause,

“The greatest and most important problems in life can never be solved, but only outgrown.”
(Carl Jung)

Your spouse wants you to change. You want your spouse to change. And so it goes.

You want your teenagers to change. They want you to change. And so it goes.

You want to stop a bad habit. It doesn’t seem to want to go away.

If you’re caught in an ongoing pattern, one you find increasingly miserable, welcome to your own custom-made growth opportunity.

If you’re stuck, ask yourself: If I were more mature, what would I do next?

Peace begins with pause,