“I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.”
(Buddy Hackett)

We’ve all been wronged. We’ve all been misled, or lied to, or downright cheated. In reaction to all this injustice, we’ve all held grudges, wallowed in our pain, and withheld forgiveness.

Meanwhile, the people who we think owe us so much…are most likely not thinking about us at all. They’ve moved on, and may even be enjoying great success.

Want a great way to start this Monday? To begin this week with a blank slate of opportunity?

Forgive ‘em.

Wish ‘em well.

Ask God or the universe to shower those people with blessings.

Why? Because holding our grudges, with clenched fists, disables our ability to grasp any blessings of our own.

Peace begins with pause,

“Your desire is your prayers; and if your desire is without ceasing, your prayer will also be without ceasing. The continuance of your longing is the continuance of your prayer. ”
(Augustine)

Here’s the easiest way to discover the deepest longings of your heart, the thing you want MOST: Ask God for it.

Imagine God met you one-on-one, and asked you to request the one thing you wanted. Imagine the supreme intelligence and power of the universe, with all creative powers at hand, asking you to say aloud one thing you want more than anything. You may not believe in God, or you may not believe God cares about what you want. Doesn’t matter…this exercise works anyway. Set aside your beliefs for a second and imagine there is a God and this God has agreed to give you anything you ask for.

What would you say? Do you find yourself judging your wants as too selfish? Too small? Too big? Try not to put any judgment on it whatsoever. Just name it and write it down. Then, sometime this weekend, take it out and look at it. Re-examine it. Is this really what you want? Is it a strong enough, true enough desire that you would ask God for it? If so, then here’s the next thought…

How would you organize your life in order to receive this “blessing”? What would you be willing to do in order to get it?

Where would you start?

Peace begins with pause,

“Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart. ”
(Rumi)

Follow your bliss. Pursue your passion.

This is common advice to young people setting out on their careers. And it’s not terrible.

The difficulty is determining what that passion is, and whether that passion is something you can actually do, and whether you can make any living at all while doing it.

Here’s one way through the confusion: Concentrate on doing more, and dreaming less. The only way to find your passionate work is to do it. And that starts by doing what’s in front of you…today. What has life put on your plate today? What would it look like to do it with gusto, to work at it with all your heart until what can be done today gets done? Then, and only then, can you evaluate whether you’re ready to know and pursue your passion.

Pursuing your work passionately is the first step toward finding your passionate work.

Peace begins with pause,

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
(Federico García Lorca)

Let’s admit it…some of the most annoying times as a parent are when our kids won’t stop wanting. We’ve given them what they wanted, and they’re still not satisfied. Or, we know we can’t give them what they want, so we wish they just didn’t want it at all.

We do the same to ourselves. Since sitting with our desires unmet is so uncomfortable, we’d rather not speak of them. Maybe they’ll just go away, and then we can do all we have to do (which is so much more important that what we want to do, or so the voices in our mind tell us.)

A better approach to both our kids and ourselves is to sever the connection between wanting and having. It’s okay to want something without getting it. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s okay. It’s even essential.

Learning to love ourselves means learning to learn ourselves…and that means learning about our desires. We can then speak them out loud, or write them down. That way, we can examine whether we really want it. This is a great way to discipline our desires, as we talked about yesterday. If I allow myself to say aloud, “I want a Chicago deep-dish style pizza,” or “I want to quit everything and live on a beach,” then I can really evaluate whether I should actively pursue such desires.

If I’m deathly afraid of even voicing such wants, I actually invite them to become stronger than they really are.

So, voice your wants. And let your kids voice theirs. How else will any of us learn to love ourselves, and discipline our choices?

Peace begins with pause,

“The discipline of desire is the background of character.”
(John Locke)

“We want what we want.” I’ve heard that phrase used as an excuse for adultery, thievery, and even pedophilia.

Perhaps that’s why some people believe so strongly that it’s dangerous to concentrate on our desires. These folks stress the need to recalibrate our desires, fixating them on the right things, or not even acknowledging them at all. But this doesn’t fix anything, because well…the phrase is actually true.

We do want what we want. That doesn’t mean we’re supposed to get everything we want, though.

We have to learn to bring discipline to our desires. We have to discern those things we want MOST from those things we want RIGHT NOW. We also have to judge our wants against our belief systems.

The most important task of our lives, I believe, is aligning our lives and our selves. This means, through disciplined focus, integrating together our actions and words in harmony with our beliefs and desires. The most effective people in history are those with this kind of integration. This is, indeed, true integrity.

Well, we cannot practice this alignment if we’re not aware of our desires. Getting to know them is essential to getting to know ourselves.

Peace begins with pause,

“Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire.”
(Thomas Merton)

What do you want? Think about it, right now this Monday morning. Perhaps, it’s:

-Another cup of coffee, or an excuse to go back to bed
-A different job, or a different spouse
-Your kids to shut up and get ready for school
-A lasting peace of mind, which transcends all understanding

Now, what do you think about the question? What’s your first instinctive reaction…is it a waste of time? Do you hear your father’s voice, telling you to stop your wishful thinking and be more responsible? “Don’t think about what you want; think about what you’re supposed to do!”

This week we’re gonna look at our desires. These are the passions that drive us and the temptations that distract us. Some of them we’re clearly aware of, like the waves on top of the ocean. Some of them move underneath the surface, like a powerful undertow, and can actually have more influence on us than anything else.

For now, just pause for a moment and think: What do I want MOST today? Not the smaller things I want right now, and not the big hopes I have for the week. What do I want most TODAY?

Peace begins with pause,

“A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.”
(Edgar J. Mohn)

Each of my kids has lied to me, face to face. This is an entirely normal part of growing up. Sometimes I knew they were lying, sometimes not.

What I found to be the most effective response was to simply believe them, no matter what. That way, when the truth eventually came out, one of the consequences they had to experience was the guilt of facing someone who had faith in them. This was far better than doubting them, or trying to trap them in their lie, which actually just tempted them to get better at lying, and get better at hiding their true selves from me.

One more thing—this approach also enabled them to learn that telling the truth may mean enduring some awkward feelings in the moment, but enjoying much less stress in the future.

Peace begins with pause,

“All great achievements require time.“
(David Joseph Schwartz)

The hardest part about growing is keeping faith when you’re not seeing obvious results.

This is true whether it’s the gym vs. the gut, the addiction vs. the recovery, or the emerging adult vs. the lingering child.

Good things don’t come to those who wait; they come to those who persist.

Peace begins with pause,

“Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.”
(J. Willard Marriott)

Wishing to make our lives as easy as possible is certainly tempting. For those of us with kids, it can be even more tempting to smooth their paths as much as possible.

But if we actually love our kids, and ourselves, we’ll resist this urge. The strength to live a great life is only developed by overcoming resistance, by enduring hardship, by simply doing hard things.

Normally life provides these opportunities naturally, and yours probably has, but our modern technology and finances has given us too many seductive ways to make life easy.

–Fast food meals, instead of taking the time to cook.
–Ergonomically comfortable chairs, instead of standing more and sitting less.
–Doing our kids homework, instead of encouraging them to struggle and find resources themselves.
–Constantly checking our phones to avoid awkward silences, instead of learning to be comfortable with a little discomfort.

We’re better than this.

Peace begins with pause,

“Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”
(Winston Churchill)

A love of knowledge is not the same as a willingness to learn.

A formal education is not the same as a willingness to be taught by others.

A lofty intelligence is not the same as a willingness to make mistakes and humbly welcome their lessons.

Think of the last person you’d want to teach you anything. When you’re willing to learn something from even that person, you’re ready.

Peace begins with pause,