“If your happiness depends on your children being happy, that makes them your hostages. Be your own happiness. And that way you are the teacher for your children: someone who knows how to live a happy life.”
(Byron Katie)

Parents often base our own sense of happiness on external circumstances. We find ourselves dependent on things beyond our control. It’s a common thing. But, just because it’s common doesn’t make it helpful. Feelings like happiness are largely based on choices that we must make on a daily basis — especially when it comes to living with our children.

If your child is throwing a tantrum or pitching a fit, guess what? That doesn’t have to make you upset. You can still choose happy. If your teenager is moping about and grumbling about how hard her life is, guess what? You don’t have to pull her out of that emotional ditch before you can feel good about life.

You can be happy; you can choose to bring happy with you wherever you go. Even if your child is yelling about how mean you are, you don’t have to take that personally. This is a simple and profound truth: Other than physical pain, no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel.

If only there were a book that talked about this further (actually, tomorrow may bring one…)

Peace begins with pause,

“If we are forced, at every hour, to watch or listen to horrible events, this constant stream of ghastly impressions will deprive even the most delicate among us of all respect for humanity.”
(Cicero, 106 – 43 BC)

The quote above is over 2000 years old, long before the human mind could possibly imagine our world of constant, streaming images and messages. This makes the quote even more applicable today than back in the 1st century BC.

I’ve spent three of the past five weeks working in foreign countries and vastly different time zones, and I simply have not been caught up on all the latest news in my native English. While my body is exhausted, and I’ve missed my family, I have actually loved this absence of daily news (and my life has not somehow cratered without it).

The news needs our eyeballs, and nothing holds our attention like terrible news. It’s a simple formula, really.

What if, this weekend, you tried a news fast? No TV, no news apps, and no social media? What if, for just Saturday and Sunday, you effectively turned your phone into a flip-phone, and protected your eyeballs and ears from negative news the way we protect our hands and mouths from germs?

I bet you’ll feel better.

Peace begins with pause,

“Most of our faults are more pardonable than the means we use to conceal them.”
(Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld)

For Nixon, it wasn’t so much the campaign to discredit his opponents (although illegal), it was the cover up that followed.

For Clinton, it wasn’t the marital indiscretion (although immoral), it was the lying about sex with that woman.

These are classic cases of leaders failing to simply own their mistakes, apologize with integrity, and move on with humility.

We would be wise to heed their examples whenever we:

—forget an appointment
—show up late to a dinner
—carelessly mention something in public that was supposed to be confidential
—change our mind at the last second (in a way that affects others)
—yell at our children

Instead of hemming & hawing, making up a believable lie, or blaming our behavior on others, let’s just learn from the mistakes of others. Let’s just own it.

Peace begins with pause,

“Peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.”
(Ronald Reagan)

In conflict resolution training, we’re taught the presenting issue between the parties is not the actual issue. What is really driving the conflict is their competing interests, which inform each side’s position on “the issue.”

One guy wants to change public opinion about his sketchy reputation, for instance, and that’s why he’s really demanding a public apology from the company. The other guy wants share prices to return to the level before he became CEO, and that’s why he’s refusing to acknowledge anything publicly. (A skilled mediator can help them find a way to manage the public resolution of the conflict, boosting both their reputations, thus solving both interests.)

When it comes to family, however, there is something even more powerful than the issue, or the interests–the nature of the relationship itself. A couple of questions to consider:

–Is this conflicted relationship one you want to continue, even after “the issue” gets resolved? If so, then how you conduct yourself during the conflict matters more than anything, ‘cos that’s what will be remembered.

–If your “opponent” in this conflict suddenly gave you everything you think you deserve, would that actually solve the issue? If not, then resentment is a problem that must get addressed.

–If this issue never got resolved, could you live with this relationship as is? If so, then drop it.

Peace begins with pause,

“Sometimes you don’t just want to attract the crowd to something mainstream, you want to create the crowd for something unconventional.”
(Brian Grazer, “A Curious Mind”)

Monday we talked about a choice: Would you want paradise alone, or the real world with your mate?

Here’s another choice: Would you rather have perfect kids who adore and depend on you forever, or raise real adults, who struggle and strive to stand tall on their own two feet?

You may quickly say you’d rather have the latter, but a lot of parenting advice promises the former. These are the programs that concentrate on your kids, all the dangers they face, and all the ways you need to protect them from the world. These are the folks that spike your anxiety, and preach the ways to get your kids to respect your authority and thus stay safe. These programs tend to be popular.

In a few weeks (Oct. 3rd, to be exact), we and Penguin Random House are releasing the 10th Anniversary Revised and Updated Edition of our first book, ScreamFree Parenting.

This is wonderful for us, but I hope it is really wonderful for those parents out there who crave to parent different…for those parents who don’t want perfectly behaved kids, but would rather raise real, comfortable-in-their-own-flawed-skin adults. This book is for those parents who wish to concentrate on controlling the only one in the house they can, themselves, so they can help their kids learn to do the same.

You interested in learning to parent different? Stay tuned, there’s more to come on this in the next few weeks…

Peace begins with pause,

If you’ve ever had surgery, you’ve probably heard the Dr. warn against making any big decisions, or having any deep discussions while recovering under pain meds.

These are not the only conditions that warrant such a warning. Jet lag is one such time (I’m now on my 3rd overseas trip in 5 weeks, with another Asia trip next month, so I think I’ll refrain from any deep discussing or deciding till December).

Talking under the influence of alcohol is another occasion to refrain from strategic planning. I’ve often wanted to give people (and myself, to be honest) a TUI violation, if you will.

Speaking of drinking, the AA community has a helpful acronym for understanding when we’re not at our best. Each letter stands for a condition worth our caution, and the word itself, HALT, helps us remember to pause. Here are the four conditions worth considering:

H..ungry
A..ngry
L..onely
T..ired

Whenever we’re feeling any of these, let’s try to pause on making big revelations, or creating big life plans.

Peace begins with pause,

“After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.”
(Mark Twain)

It’s certainly an interesting dilemma: would I choose paradise without my wife, or a normal life of struggle and pain with my beloved by my side. Well, this morning I am coming to you from the Paradise of an Italian mountainside bed & breakfast. Sadly, I’m here with my business partner…not my wife. Hmmm…

It’s actually an easy choice. When you’ve worked as hard as Jenny and I have, learning to be authentic individuals and a connected couple at the same time, you’d rather face trouble together than receive blessings alone.

Of course, you’d have to ask her if she would agree.

What would you choose?

Peace begins with pause,

“Maturity is both a static and a dynamic concept.”

(Leo Buscaglia)

OK, let’s finish our discussion on maturity (for now). It’s generally understood that mature people have a strong sense of who they are, separate and apart from others. They understand their need for intimate relationships, but they are not dependent upon others to give them their identity.

In this way, maturity can be said to be a destination -a place at which we arrive sometime in our lives.

The challenge is for grown ups to remain constantly growing. To do this, we must realize that maturity is not merely a destination; it is also a process. In fact, the essence of maturity is not only understanding who we are but who we may yet become.

Peace begins with pause,

“The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all
you begin to sound like a five-year-old.”
(Joan Kerr)

Yesterday, I talked about how I sometimes struggle to act my age. There seems to be this natural phenomenon in families where, in an effort to get our children to act more mature, we end up being just as immature as they are. Maybe instead of mirroring their maturity level back to them, we should model a better way to handle things.

When you get frustrated in the midst of an exchange with your child, ask yourself how old you are at that moment. If the answer is closer to your child’s age than your own, smile and know that you aren’t the first parent to lose your adulthood in the heat of the moment.

Then, gather yourself and show your child what a grownup looks like—someone who remains calm, cool, and connected no matter what.

Peace begins with pause,

“We can’t go around talking about what we’re going to be when we grow up…We are up.”
(“Disney’s The Kid”)

My wife and sister share a birthday today. I’m not dumb enough to tell you how old they are, but I will say they are both beautifully mature beyond their years.

I don’t feel that way, however. Maybe it’s because I’m a youngest child, or maybe it’s because I refuse to stop laughing at potty humor (those two facts may be related).

It’s probably just because I still struggle with insecurity about this whole grownup thing. Part of me wonders when someone’s gonna waltz in and fix all the things I keep fumbling around (money, career, parenting, marriage).

Now, to be sure, another part of me feels accomplished, capable, and confident to handle adulthood as it comes. But that first part often seems to scream louder, grabbing my attention like a whiny toddler.

Am I the only one?

Peace begins with pause,