“Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.”
(Austin O’Malley)

Funny thing about revenge – in an effort to heal our hurt we decide to hurt right back. Whenever we choose to do the same behavior in retaliation, it’s as if we deem the other person’s bad behavior not bad in and of itself; it’s just bad because they did it first.

This is especially fascinating in marriage. Like it or not, we all have a tendency to keep score. We too quickly make an assumption about being unfairly treated, and we immediately try to rectify the situation. Our dearly beloved uses the insider information they have on us, and everything in us screams out to get revenge – by doing the same right back to them. That’ll show ’em, we reason.

Show ’em what? How much they’ve hurt you? Why not just tell them that straight up? “Ouch, honey, that really hurt. I don’t know if you were meaning to insult me like that, but you did.”

By telling them, you end up showing them something better: maturity.

Peace begins with pause,

“It is not “nice” to be so agreeable all the time that you disappear, leaving no one
with the privilege of getting to know the real you.”
(John & Linda Friel, The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do)

Those who know me personally know I’m not really big on “nice.” I don’t really trust people who are always “nice,” and one of my favorite parenting books is The Danger of Raising Nice Kids by Timothy Smith. Now, all this is not because I prefer the opposite of nice; I don’t ever want to come across as mean or cruel or cold. But I also don’t ever want to be seen as so sweet or pleasant or “agreeable” that I really have nothing substantive to offer. Especially in my marriage.

There is always a place for kindness, especially in disagreements. But some of us (especially here in the South) were taught to cement our true thoughts, opinions, and positions underneath a veneer of niceties, pleasantries, and manners. Thus hiding our truest selves, even from those closest to us.

Instead, I dare you to show the real you, especially to your spouse. I dare you to risk rocking the boat by revealing more of what you actually think, believe, and want. By all means, do this calmly, but do it nonetheless. “No, I don’t really like that show anymore.” “You know, I would like to spend more time with you without the kids.” “I would like to know more about our finances.” “No, I don’t really like that outfit on you.”

Let go of nice. Take hold of you.

Peace begins with pause,

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
(William James)

The easiest way I know to bring great harmony into your marriage is to just say thank you. Go out of your way to discover something your spouse does that makes your home life possible:

-cleans the dishes
-reads to the kids
-pays the bills and minds the finances
-works hard to make money
-listens to you without distraction
-speaks highly of you in front of others
-rakes the leaves
-cooks dinner
-looks at you in a way that reminds you you’re still attractive

This isn’t hard, or complicated. It can be vulnerable, however. And it can feel emotionally expensive, especially if you’re resentful, believing that your spouse is the one who under-appreciates you.

Do it anyway. Don’t make a huge production out of it; do it drive-by style–notice something, or remember something, and shoot off a brief text. Or mention it as you’re walking from one room to another, with a gentle pass of your hand across the back.

“Hey, thanks for getting the groceries after work yesterday.”

Nothing more. Make it brief and specific, without any generic commentary like, “You’re such a wonderful wife…” Make it sound almost nonchalant, giving the impression that you just wanted to note that you noticed her/him.

Make it a habit, even if it doesn’t come back to you right away.

Trust me on this one.

Peace begins with pause,

“Accept that you are imperfect and always will be. Your quest is not to perfect yourself, but to better your imperfect self.”
(Eric Greitens)

This whole week I’m in Korea, working with the great families, and helping professionals, stationed at US Camp Humphries near Seoul. So, this week’s Daily Pauses are re-posts of some of our most popular over the last couple of years. Let us know what you think the second time around!

In his brilliant book Resilience, former Navy SEAL (and now Governor or Missouri) Eric Greitens delivers some amazing wisdom to a fellow SEAL struggling with the after-effects of warfare. I just finished the book, and I can’t wait to share some of its lessons in future Daily Pauses. For now, take this piece of practical wisdom into your holiday weekend.

Greitens asks his buddy to write down the words FEELINGS, ACTIONS, and IDENTITY, in that order. This is the way the world now operates, Greitens argues. We ask each other how we’re feeling, and we constantly ask ourselves the same thing. Then we let those feelings determine our next actions, and eventually those actions determine our destiny.

Truly wise and successful people, however, reverse the order: IDENTITY determines their ACTIONS, which in turn shape our FEELINGS. That’s right, we can actually change the way we feel, rather than the other way around.

As an exercise, for instance, try this: Identify yourself as a happy person. Say it aloud: “I am a happy person.” Now, force yourself to smile for a full 15 seconds. Think about one person or circumstance you’re thankful for.
I know this sounds silly, but I dare you to just try it.

Now, how do you feel?

Peace begins with pause,

“Your rewards will be determined by the extent of your contribution, that is your service to others.”
(Earl Nightingale)

The best way to suffer well is to practice something I like to call “servival.” Obviously, I like to make up words (“screamfree,” anyone?), and this one may be a little too cheesy, but hear me out.

My hometown of Houston, and the whole Texas Gulf Coast, has suffered so much this week. Natural disasters like this are thankfully rare, but always terrible.

Growing up there, I got to see a few hurricanes. I also got to hear stories of ones in the past. I remember my father telling me about Hurricane Carla in the 1960s, and how he and his brothers used their boats to rescue people stranded on their roofs.

We love hearing stories like that, learning of the brave willingness of people helping people, even in the midst of their own suffering.

Turns out this willingness to help others, in the midst of our own struggling and pain, is actually the best way to help yourself. Multiple studies have shown that mobilizing ourselves to serve others, even in the midst of our own suffering, is the best way to mitigate the effects of that suffering, both in the short and long term.

I like to call this method of suffering well “servival.” We serve in order to truly survive.

This is not easy. It takes courage we may not feel, and resources we may not have at hand. But the principle is true, even if you can only do a little. At the very least, taking our attention off our own pain, even for a moment to listen to another’s, is healing us a little from the inside.

Peace begins with pause,

“Don’t cast your pearls before swine.”
(Jesus of Nazareth)

There are two things people do that almost universally put people off, and I’m afraid I am guilty of both: Bragging too much about their kids, and complaining too much about their suffering.

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t brag on our kids every once in a while, and we’re definitely not endorsing keeping your personal suffering stuffed inside.

In truth, talking about our suffering is a necessity, if we want to live, and even grow, through it. But we have to be careful in selecting when and to whom we share; we cannot simply advertise our suffering to anyone and everyone and expect to receive support from others and healing from within ourselves.

This is why God made best friends, and our closest loved ones, and counselors. It is NOT why God made Facebook, or Twitter, or Snapchat.

In this week’s Pauses, we’ve Acknowledged, Appreciated, and Admitted our part in our suffering. Today we commit to sharing, but not broadcasting, our pain.

Who can you talk to, today, about your struggle?

Peace begins with pause,

“Life’s deepest wounds are self-inflicted.”
(Bill Clinton)

This week we’ve talked about Acknowledging our suffering, and even learning to Appreciate it. Today may be the most difficult way to suffer well: Admitting our part.

Suffering at the hands of others, or by the accidents of life, is one thing. Suffering because of our own mistakes is something else altogether.

I have made some mistakes in my life. Marriage, parenting, finances, business, health…you name it. I know I’m also still hanging on to some of the pain, and even the shame, of those mistakes.

Undoubtedly, so have you. Can you admit it, without adding a “but…” afterwards? Can you own your part of your suffering, without excusing yourself by blaming others? We’re not talking about beating yourself up—there’s no need to go to those extremes. In fact, doing so would be another mistake. We’re simply trying to be grownups here, admitting that we each own a part of our suffering (not all, but certainly a part).

The good news about doing this kind of admission is what happens afterwards. Admitting our part, you see, brings us to a new choice. If our mistake is something that can be corrected, then admitting it is the first step toward doing so. If, on the other hand, our mistake is not something that can be undone, then admitting it is also a first step…toward forgiving ourselves.

Peace begins with pause,

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
(Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Yesterday we learned to acknowledge our suffering. Today we learn to appreciate it. And few people can teach us like MLK. Not only did Dr. King suffer through his journey as a segregated African-American, he suffered greatly for his personal efforts to fight injustice.

He was beaten.

He was jailed.

His family was threatened weekly.

His house was bombed.

Somehow, this man came to the point of appreciating this suffering as a creative, redemptive force of nature. It prompted him to think new thoughts, write new words, and teach more truth.

What has your own suffering taught you? And of that, what can you teach us?

Peace begins with pause,

“I found treasure…not where I thought”
(Depeche Mode, “Suffer Well”)

While it’s not a cheery topic to discuss, suffering is universal. Whether it’s chronic pain, or grieving a loss, or straining through painful relationships, everyone suffers at some point.

This week’s Daily Pauses are dedicated to suffering. We’re going to look at the Five Best Ways to Suffer Well. That may sound crazy, but it is actually possible. And here’s the best way to begin: Learn to acknowledge it. You’ve tried to rid yourself of your suffering, but it’s still with you. So, try to acknowledge its presence, and its power.

Imagine you’re on a long trip, with a companion you cannot stand, but cannot get rid of. We can fight against these realities, and we often do, but at some point we have to acknowledge them. I’ll start:

Since about the time I turned 21, I have suffered through chronic physical pain, stemming from a badly formed back. Last week I learned I need a third back surgery (after getting a new hip just eight months ago). Every day, there are times when I simply cannot find a comfortable position to sit, stand, or lie in. This situation has cost me massive amounts of energy, time, relationship joy, and money.

I acknowledge these realities. I am constantly learning how to manage them, but I cannot deny them.

Now, it’s your turn. What are you suffering through right now? What’s your pain? Are you grieving? Are your kids really struggling? Are you working in a toxic environment? Is debt threatening your financial life?

Breathe in, and exhale your acknowledgment of this reality.

Peace begins with pause,

I hear parents complain about their “disrespectful” kids all the time.

Here’s my question in reply: When you lose your cool with them and say and do things you regret, how quickly do you apologize?

Some folks actually tell me they don’t apologize, ‘cos that would communicate “weakness.”

Others tell me they’ll apologize…as soon as the kids apologize for their actions first.

Wow.

Do you respect people who never apologize? Do you respect people who always expect you to apologize first?

No, you don’t.

You want your kids to respect you? Here’s the easiest way: apologize.

You yell at ’em? Apologize.

You criticize them in anger? Apologize.

You expect them to respect you, even though you haven’t behaved in a respect-filled way?

Apologize.

Try it this weekend. (This works marvelously with your spouse as well, btw).

Peace begins with pause,