“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. “

(Chinese proverb)

The first step of lasting growth is to change your thinking about growth itself. Making small changes and being gentle with yourself along the way is your best bet to achieving the kind of difference you’re hoping to make. Expecting instant results, whether on the scales or in your home, will only land you back where you don’t want to be.

So, train yourself to think like a bamboo stalk. For the first two years after it is planted, no matter how much the gardener wants it to spread (and no matter how much care he gives it), the stalk will remain about the same on the surface. Nothing visible is really happening, but underground the plant is developing roots and shoots that will soon surface and spread like crazy. Once these shoots emerge, they have been clocked to grow up to 47 inches a 24-hour period.

When it comes to making any sort of lasting change, slower is oftentimes better. If you have overeaten and not exercised for 10 years, you cannot expect to change your habits and undo the damage in a couple of workouts. The same is true for parenting. If you are reversing not only months, but maybe years of reactionary child rearing (perhaps harking back to the way you were raised), you have to be patient with yourself. Like the bamboo tree, your growth inside will come before you blossom outside.

Peace begins with pause,

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
(Robert Frost)

It got dark a couple days ago in parts of the US. In Nashville, my daughter saw stars, heard crickets, and felt the cooler air for a couple of minutes. At least that’s how it felt. The true darkness only lasted about 18 seconds.

If we remember the length of our lives, the truly dark times may seem longer as well. But the actual time we can’t see is usually far less.

Peace begins with pause,

Learning to forgive

Ev’ryone for ev’rything

Brings peace to your past.

Peace begins with pause,

“A loud voice cannot compete with a clear voice, even if it is a whisper.”
(Barry Neil Kaufman)

There’s something about the power of quietness that modern society doesn’t know how to cultivate. We get anxious and feel like we have to compete with so many other voices and noises. But when we bluster and shout at people in order to get them to comply, we’re not really getting through to them. What’s worse, they can tell we’re not in control, and it makes us seem like a hurricane — they just have to hold on until we blow over.

It takes real discipline and genuine self-control to speak clearly — not through gritted teeth, but with calm, cool confidence.

When you find yourself on the verge of “losing it,” take a nice, long, deep breath and remember you’re an adult human, not a reactive lizard.

Generally speaking, you’ll find that a few words spoken softly with conviction will get you a whole lot farther than any yelling ever could.

Peace begins with pause,

“In this game, by trying to win, you automatically lose.”
(Ruth Ross)

A few years into our marriage, in the midst of a lovely fight, Jenny changed her tone and simply announced: “Okay, you’re right…you win.”

And then she walked away.

That was a hollow victory, to be sure. The problem was thinking about it in terms of right and wrong, winning or losing. If the ultimate goal is something that can only be accomplished together, then one side victorious over another can only be registered as a defeat for both (something to consider for politics, perhaps?).

In relationship battles, there are no victors, only casualties.

Peace begins with pause,

“If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.”
(Abigail Van Buren)

Kids do not live by toys alone. If you don’t believe that, search YouTube for “Laughing Baby” — there’s proof in the millions of people who have viewed the sheer joy of a baby’s belly laugh as he/she plays with an object. Interestingly, the object is usually something common like a piece of paper being ripped.

Also, notice this: there’s almost always a parent present, engaged in the play. It would seem happiness doesn’t revolve around the object itself, but around the moment and exchange of joy between parent and child. It could be argued this gets more difficult as the child grows older, tantalized with battery-operated treasures. But it’s hard to imagine a young child that wouldn’t drop his plastic horse in favor of saddling up on the back of their father on all fours in the living room.

Teach your children to value experiences over things. All you have to do is create moments for play and adventure together, rather than throwing toys at them. Toys are not the token for happy, healthy children; time with an engaged and connected parent is.

Peace begins with pause,

“To know and not to do is not yet to know.”
(Zen saying)

An easy way to identify a source of anxiety is to look at truths we know…but don’t consistently practice.
Take eating habits, for example. You probably know some basic truths about the need to consume less carbs and more protein. When you don’t practice doing so, however, your blood sugar is not the only casualty—your integrity takes a hit as well.

Spending habits are huge here, too. Whenever we violate our knowledge about paying ourselves first (and spend frivolously instead), it doesn’t just cost our wallets; it creates anxiety about our ability to manage ourselves.

Look at your relationship habits as well. You probably know some truths about being generous with compliments and stingy with critiques, but it’s the easiest thing in the world to do just the opposite (especially if you think your significant other does it to you). Problem is, when you violate what you know to be true, you don’t just damage your relationship with them; you damage your relationship with yourself.

Like the proverb above, when I claim to know something but fail to do it, I don’t really know it at all.

Peace begins with pause,

“Take away love and our earth is a tomb.”
(Robert Browning)

Simple challenge for today:

Think of someone you love who hasn’t heard those words from you in a while. There’s no need to feel guilty for not saying so all these weeks or months or years, ‘cos today you can rectify that.

Call ‘em if you’re really brave, but perhaps a text may be more appropriate: “Hey there…just thinking about you and how much I love you.”

No more, no less. I bet you feel better, even if you don’t hear back from them for awhile.

Peace begins with pause,

“Creativity can solve almost any problem. The creative act, the defeat of habit by originality, overcomes everything.”
(George Lois)

One of the worst human habits is doubling down on our habits. When things get tight, when anxieties start to rise, we instinctively go to our default solutions, and we do it with gusto:

The alpha male, for instance, when things are not going his way, gets even more alpha; he starts throwing his threats around and dictating everyone’s behavior. The beta male does more of the same as well. If he feels the girl is pulling away, he gets even more supportive, deferential, and sacrificial (and then wonders why he ends up even more in the friend zone).

The loudmouths gets louder, the passive-aggressives get more dishonest and manipulative, and the analytical folks whip out more pro/con lists.

It takes courage to get creative instead. As you consider your most vexing stressor today, aim to do less of the same. Figure out what you would normally, instinctively do, then get creative about another response altogether.

Peace begins with pause,

“I find it unusual that it is more socially acceptable to complain about what you have than it is to ask for what you want.”
(Phil Lout)

For the most part, spouses would rather complain to others about their current marital pattern than calmly, authentically ask their spouse for what they want.

“My husband doesn’t even touch me anymore,” spoken to your friend, is far easier than: “Honey, I love you, and that’s why I want you to touch me and pay attention to me. I want you to want me.”

Same thing happens at work. “My boss totally undervalues me, and takes advantage of my willingness to sacrifice,” spoken to your spouse, is far easier than “I love working here, and that’s why I want the company to put more value on my contribution.”

Complaining to someone else is about getting the short-term validation you want right now; asking directly for what you want is about seeking the relationships you want most.

Perhaps this Friday, or this weekend, you could stop complaining to others, and start asking someone directly for what you want most.

Peace begins with pause,