“Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth.”
(Peter Ustinov)

There is a natural tendency for kids to “cut their teeth” on us by trying out harsh emotions and pushing against us on seemingly small matters. This shouldn’t surprise us; in fact, we should be hoping they do. We want to raise strong, confident adults, right?

Obedience is all about our kids saying “yes” to us. But how do we expect our 16-year-old daughters to say “no” to a boy’s unwanted advances when she’s never been allowed to say “no” to anything at home?

Similarly, how can we expect our sons to refuse their friends’ offer to smoke pot when we have never allowed him to make choices on his own?

For a delightful (and insightful) look at how the “gift” of obedience can actually turn out to be a curse, watch the Anne Hathaway movie, “Ella Enchanted.” Then, teach your child that he always has a choice. There are surely consequences, both good and bad, for each choice he makes, but giving him the freedom to choose will go a long way in sharpening his teeth. Maybe he can even, someday, take a bite out of the world (instead of the other way around).

Peace begins with pause,

“Life is a compound of bitter and sweet, and to expect it to be all of either is futile.”

(Alice H. Rice)

The same week we first published ScreamFree Parenting, my wife Jenny got diagnosed with cancer.

The same month our work with Army families began to expand all over the world, our advisor who first championed that outreach passed away.

Misfortune and victory seem to always accompany each other. You know this in your own life, I’m sure. So why do we feel it necessary to pretend it’s otherwise? Why do we try to show our kids the good stuff, but protect them from the reality of the bad?

Truth is, they don’t believe us when we do. This is why they love stories so much. Fairy tales have both the bitter and the sweet. In theater, the tragedy and comedy masks are right next to each other. Mustafa must die in order for Simba to become a great king.

Here’s the great news: While the bad always accompanies the good, the light still shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Peace begins with pause,

“I apologize, Jim, if things got heated, but you did make some pretty rough insinuations.”
(Stephen Miller, WH advisor)

Last week, during a White House press conference, two men got into a heated argument in front of, well, everybody. Afterwards, in an effort to bring some peace to the situation, one of the men offered a familiar-sounding apology:

—“I’m sorry, Jim, if things got heated, but…”

You’ve heard (and maybe even said) something similar:

–“I’m sorry, Honey, if things got out of hand, but you were accusing me of….”

–“I’m sorry, Sweetheart, if Daddy yelled, but your behavior was so bad that…”

All of these apologies stink. In fact, they’re not even apologies. These are the worst passive-aggressive attempts to make people appear remorseful, all the while ultimately putting the blame of their own behavior on the very person they are supposedly apologizing to.

Here are a few ways you can smell out one of these horrible, offensive apologies:

1. No true apology starts off with “I apologize if…”. A real apology acknowledges real behavior, and thus begins “I apologize for…”
2. No true apology uses the passive voice, as in “things got heated”. Things do not get heated. People get heated, because they do not manage their emotions. Real grownups say this: “I apologize for yelling…”
3. No true apology ever uses the “yes, but” formula, as in “yes I yelled, but your behavior…”. For real grownups, there is no but, because there is no excuse for behaving in a way worth apologizing for: “I apologize for yelling at you. There is no excuse for my behavior, and you deserve better from me.”

Peace begins with pause,

“I do.”
(Jenny Runkel, August 7, 1993)

Please forgive my self-indulgence in today’s Pause. The actual date of our anniversary always seems to fall during my wife’s busiest time of year, heading back into her high school classroom. This year it happens to fall on the first day of school. So, I want to selfishly use this venue to simply say this:

“Year after year, Jen, our marriage is the hardest & easiest, most fun & most challenging, safest & riskiest, sexiest & most mundane experience of my life. And I absolutely love it, and you. Thank you for being you, my love. Here’s to another 24, at least.”

Peace begins with pause,

“Read in order to live.”
(Gustave Flaubert)

School is beckoning our kids out of summer. That usually means those books we bought for their summer reading back in June might actually get opened soon.

But you know, they don’t HAVE to do their reading, and you can’t FORCE someone to ingest info with their eyeballs; they can choose to suffer the consequences instead.

Same goes for you. You don’t have to read anything. You don’t have to voluntarily grow your attention span, and feed your brain with words on a page.

(Yes, the vast majority of the world’s most successful people are avid readers.)

(Yes, reading is shown time and time again as a necessary component for the lasting learning of…anything.)

(Oh, and yes, most of the world believes even God chose books as the primary means of revealing divine truth.)

But no, you don’t have to read. Please consider this, however:

You want your kids to read? They usually won’t if you usually don’t.

Peace begins with pause,

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
(Raymond Lindquist)

When it comes to making real and lasting change, we usually know what we need to do long before we actually do it. That’s because there’s something very scary about letting go of what’s familiar — even if we really don’t like it.

If you really want to make a change in your life, you’re going to have to let go of those old patterns keeping you stuck. It will be scary at first and you might feel like you’re careening through the air, but growth begins when your desire for the new outweighs the comfortable misery of the old.

So fear not. Be brave. And let go of what’s holding you back.

Peace begins with pause,

“Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.”
(Lao-Tse)

Your spouse accuses you (falsely) of doing something thoughtless, without even questioning you first.

Your teenager screams about your obvious lack of love, conveniently forgetting everything you’ve done up for her to that point.

Your boss neglects to mention your contribution to a project she’s now claiming as her victory.

Like it or not, these are the moments that shape your days and weeks and years to come. The key is whether you allow yourself to react, or give yourself the chance to respond instead. Here are some possible intelligent responses to these unintelligent treatments:

To your boss: “I was thrilled to work on this project with you, and I am proud of what we accomplished.”

To your teen: “Obviously you’re upset with me, which is totally okay. If you can specify what you’d like me to do differently, I’d love to hear it.”

To your spouse: “Honey, I love you, but I don’t love being accused like that. If I’ve hurt you accidentally, I do want to know it, so could you start over from the beginning?”

Peace begins with pause,

“Frankness invites frankness.”
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Speaking with candor about your pain, fears, and hopes is the quickest way to invite intimacy into your life.

It is also fraught with the dangers of ridicule, rage, accusation, and avoidance.

What usually makes the difference is not the content of your revelations, but the tone of your talk.

I know you’ve been burned before, so please be careful. But don’t be afraid to be frank—just do it in a tone that invites the other person to be just as honest, and calm, as you. Here’s a prompt to get you started: “I may not say this perfectly, and I don’t need you to agree, but I would like to tell you…______________”

Peace begins with pause,

“The highest reward for a person’s toil is not what they get for it but what they become by it.”
(John Ruskin)

Our 21st century infatuation with data has led us to worship efficiency at all costs. And one of the costs has been our appreciation of work itself.

When all we care about is a more efficient way to produce results, then doing good ol’ hard work becomes the worst of all sins. I’ve heard this from folks, young and old alike: “I don’t want to just start working hard on something, ‘cos what if I find out later it was the wrong way to go about it? I’ll just feel stupid, and I’ll have just wasted all that effort.”

Pursuing efficiency is certainly worthwhile, but so is learning that efficiency while working hard on the job.
Let’s not buy into the lie that external results thru maximum efficiency are all that matters; doing a hard day’s work has internal rewards that are far more valuable.

Peace begins with pause,

“For greed, all nature is too little.”
(Seneca)

One of life’s constant dilemmas is between pursuing your dreams of more, and becoming content with your life as it is.

The healthiest people I’ve known are able to do both, without ever becoming greedy on the one hand, or lazy and complacent on the other. When it comes down to it, however, these people err on the side of contentment.

The world they have now is enough.

How about you?

Peace begins with pause,