“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, ‘Heimlich maneuver,’ and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say ‘Heimlich maneuver’ when you’re choking to death.”

(Eddie Izzard)

Here at ScreamFree we advocate one thing above all else: Just stay calm, no matter what. By doing that one thing, you can tap into your inner relational genius. You can become creative. You can have compassion. You can be a grown up.

Of course, as comic genius Eddie Izzard points out, the times when we are most in need of something are often the times that are the most difficult to access them. It’s a simple thing to remember to stay calm, but have you tried it lately? It’s really hard to do in the heat of the moment! Ironically, it seems to take a certain amount of calm to remain calm.

Each of us is unique, so there’s no “one-size-fits-all” formula for staying calm. Here’s what you CAN do: Find what works for you.

• Take three deep breaths.

• Pinch the back of your hand (reminding yourself you’ve got thick skin)

• Drink a big glass of water.

• Count to 10.

• Take a lap around the house.

• Wash your face.

• Say, “Heimlich maneuver” three times fast.

Whatever it takes. Just do something to get you moving in that direction. And each time you do, give yourself a pat on the back because the more you do this, the easier it will become.

Peace begins with pause,

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.”

(Dale Carnegie)

We humans are driven by our emotions far more than our thoughts. Learning to differentiate between your thoughts and emotions, therefore, is among the best of all human skills. Here’s a guideline:

A feeling can only be stated as a single word:

• One does not feel “like hitting someone,” they feel angry. Or hurt. Or aggravated.

• One does not feel “like a failure,” they feel disappointed, insecure, or scared about their future.

If you can’t state your feeling in one word, then you’re actually stating a thought you’re having about that feeling:

• “I feel enraged, and I want to hit someone in an effort to feel better.”

• “I feel disappointed, and that leads me to think I’m going to fail at anything I try.”

Practice this today. At some point, ask yourself how you’re feeling, and limit it to one word. Start with the simplest of categories: good, bad, sad, glad. If you can get more descriptive than that, do so.

Peace begins with pause,

“Love looks through a telescope; envy through a microscope.”
(Josh Billings)

When I love you, I strive to see the whole of you, so outlier incidents and continuing struggles do not define you.

When I envy you, I see only a few of the outside indicators of your success (i.e. those things I believe I lack). I don’t want to know the whole of your life, with all of its complexities and imperfections and insecurities.

This is why it’s impossible to “love” celebrities.

Peace begins with pause,

“All doors open to courtesy.”
(Thomas Fuller)

I went to a baseball game recently, and my seat was on the aisle. While this was convenient when I wanted food or drink, it also meant I was the de facto doorkeeper to the whole row when people needed to reach their inner seats.

I was happy to do this, but at the risk of sounding like an old curmudgeon, I was appalled at a couple of young people’s behavior.

One young woman seemed terrified to even ask me to stand up and let her in. She turned her back to me and started to shuffle her way in.

A older teen boy was worse. He simply stood in the aisle and looked at me, with an expectant entitlement. Perhaps he wishes he could’ve just swiped me aside like an unappealing Tinder profile.

I know…I’m sounding really old fashioned right now. But in our virtual world of screens, basic human courtesy is no longer common.

Do your kids know how to meet, greet, ask, converse, beg the pardon of, and shake the hands of strangers?

It’s never too early, or too late, to start.

Peace begins with pause,

“Don’t serve time, make time serve you.”
(Willie Sutton)

I wrote Choose Your Own Adulthood for my daughter as she left for college. Some of you have read it, and I’m so excited about how many young adult lives it’s touching.

Well, my son is heading towards his senior year in high school, so it’s time to write him a book as well. I’m torn between two titles, but I know one idea that either one would emphasize:

Guard your time with your life.

We all think money is life’s most valuable resource, but time has it beat. And one of the easiest ways to lose time is by loaning it out to anyone and everyone.

—Think about when you get an alert on your phone: A corporation is now determining your attention schedule! (Turn off all alerts. Now. I promise you’ll feel better in just a couple of days.)
—Think about receiving a text: If you automatically react to it, another person is now owning your time! (Take your time replying; soon people will lessen their expectations of your immediacy)
—Think about that window appears when a new email arrives: It takes 20+minutes to return to your productivity flow! (tell Outlook to cool it—you can schedule your email retrievals).

Guard your time with your life, ‘cos that’s what it is. And it belongs to you and no one else.

Peace begins with pause,

“In the name of God, stop a moment. Cease your work, look around.”
(Leo Tolstoy)

We are all busy beyond measure in these modern times, I know. If it’s not the office demanding your attention, it’s the laundry, or an aging parent, a needy friend, or an empty refrigerator. But if you don’t attend to it all right this minute, guess what? All of that will still be there. So, if you do nothing else today, do this:

Stop all the activity, just for a moment, and be still. Listen to the hum of your house or the laughter of your kids. Breathe deeply the smell of the summer grass and watch as fireflies come out at dusk. Feel the warmth of your child’s back as you hug them goodnight. And most of all, look around at the multitude of blessings you’ve been granted.

Peace begins with pause,

“I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
(Benjamin Franklin)

Okay, let’s be honest: Franklin did NOT follow his own advice. He was apt to criticize Jefferson, Adams, and even Washington (rarely).

And if we’re all honest, we have spoken ill of LOTS of people…this week. But the PRINCIPLE is still valid.

Let’s all, just for today, be conscious of how we speak about others. Do we speak of the bad, or of the good?

(Which do you think people are saying about you?)

Peace begins with pause,

“There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job.”
(George Crane)

My 20-year-old daughter, Hannah, is working in two internships this summer. These experiences are vital for exposing her to a variety of daily workplace environments and job requirements, and by all accounts she’s doing great.

One of the things I hope she’s learning is that while learning particular job skills is critical, growing in job character is even more vital. I define “job character” as one’s overall approach and attitude toward their work. Growing in this area is the ultimate job security, because as the future turns quickly into the present, more and more particular jobs will be changed, if not replaced altogether, by technology. This puts a premium on developing uniquely human qualities.

Here some questions that elucidate one’s job character:

—How much do you like to learn?
—How open are you to receiving feedback on your ideas, your progress, and your overall performance?
—How capable do you feel engaging in challenging conversations?
—Would you rather confront someone directly, or complain behind their back?
—While every job has tedious aspects to it, how well can you cope with them and enjoy the parts you like?
—Can you have self-respect without coming across as entitled?

High job character is the ultimate job security.

Peace begins with pause,

“He who has a choice has trouble.”
(Dutch proverb)

The miracle of being a human is summed up in one idea: We have a choice.

No other animal can come anywhere close to us; even an advanced ape is is an amoeba in comparison of humans’ capacity to choose our existence. Our lives, all day everyday, are up to us.
Of course, this is the source of all our freedom, and all our anxiety. In an age of information, and an age of FOMO, we all can become paralyzed by the number of choices available to us:

—where we live
—what we do for a living
—whether to play Wood Puzzle, Candy Crush Saga, or Mobile Strike
—which social network to post the whims of our lives

The problem with choice that paralyzes us is this: We know by choosing one thing, we’re not choosing another. This can flood the “What if?s” into our heads:

—what if I’m making the wrong decision?
—what will I miss if I go this direction instead of that one?
—what will my parents, or my spouse, or my social network think if I choose this, instead of that?

Your choices make you. Be strong. The hallmark of being a human adult is the ability to make a clear choice, and accept the consequences. Despite the movie that came out this past weekend, even apes can’t do that.

Peace begins with pause,

“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
(The Beatles)

Last night I took my family to see a living legend. We watched a 75-year-old play 3+ hours of some of the best music ever made.

That my young adult daughter and son are such huge fans of The Beatles, and of Paul McCartney, means I have succeeded in one of my main goals as a parent.

That they were so excited to be with their mom & dad, and sit and sing out loud with us, means we’ve succeeded at something far more important.

Peace begins with pause,