“Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other – on the contrary they breed and reinforce each other.”
(Haim G. Ginott)

Some of the biggest mistakes we parents (and all leaders) make is our stubborn belief in punishment. “You deserve to be punished” is such a common statement that few of us really recognize it as a mistake. We heard it from our parents, who heard it from theirs, and by golly, our kids have heard it from us.

I don’t want us to be too hard on ourselves for this–we don’t deserve to be punished for our habit of punishing others! But I do want us to examine the idea critically. We like punishment because it feels like justice. Crime needs to be followed by punishment. But think about that for a sec–why do we feel the need for justice when our kids misbehave? Do we feel hurt by their mistake? Do we feel mistreated? Do we feel our authority threatened? If so, then it makes sense we long for the justice of punishment.

Of course, that means we’re taking their choices personally. Which means we still feel responsible for their behavior. Which means they can’t feel responsible for it. Which is why punishment never works. In the name of making them take responsibility for their actions, we actually end up telling them to take responsibility for our uncomfortable feelings.

Our job is not to punish our kids; our job is to train them. Our job is not to enact justice upon our kids; our job is to educate them about their mistakes in a way that encourages them to learn from them.

Don’t take your kids’ (or your employees’!) mistakes personally. Take them seriously, but not personally. Lovingly introduce them to the natural and logical consequences of their actions, while never wavering in your belief in their progress.

Peace begins with pause,

“Drugs and addictive behaviors activate the same reward centers in the brain.”
(Claire Gillan, neuroscientist)

When my kids were young, they loved to visit a website on our family desktop that allowed them to choose from dozens of simple, seemingly harmless games. Now that the world is becoming more and more aware of the research behind the creation of such games, and the research about their effects on our brains, I’m feeling a bit guilty for allowing that website into my home so often.

Perhaps I should’ve known all along—after all, the website was actually called…www.addictinggames.com.

Well, the way programmers have progressed since then, “addicting games” is redundant; all Internet games are designed to be addictive. There are now hundreds of treatment centers around the world for those of us who’ve fallen into their trap. We may think this is just for teenage boys playing World of Warcraft (the most addictive game in existence, statistically). But the 2nd most addictive game in the world is played mostly by women: Candy Crush Saga.

Here’s a website for parents to test whether their child exhibits the signs of video game addiction. (Use it on yourself as well).

Peace begins with pause,

“A child’s brain develops rapidly during those first two years, and they learn best by interacting with people, not screens.”
(American Academy of Pediatrics)

One of the most dangerous effects of mobile screens is how it changes our brains’ expectations of reality. Just look at how this one-year-old, after playing with an iPad, gets frustrated with a print magazine’s inability to bend to her distracted will.

According to Adam Alter, author of the brilliant new book, “Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked,” this infant is “among the first humans to understand the world this way—to believe that she has limitless command over the visual environment, and the ability to overcome the staleness of any experience by welcoming its replacement with a dismissive swipe.”

When my two kids were babies, the idea of smartphones and tablets in everyone’s hands and homes were still the stuff of science fiction. Had I owned one, perhaps I would’ve used it to calm my son at the Waffle House that fateful day; I can definitely understand the practice of calming our babies with mobile baby-brain-sitters.

But according to several studies, and the strong recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the same screens that soothe our babies will soon enslave our toddlers.

Peace begins with pause,

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

(Theodore Roosevelt)

This weekend is a time for noticing:

—what in your home needs repair?

—what in your marriage needs addressing?

—what in your finances needs attention?

—what loving, hopeful message do your kids need to hear from you?

—what about you, and your physical & emotional health, needs to move up on your priority list?

What are you willing to do about these things?

Peace begins with pause,

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.”
(Umberto Eco)

What are you teaching your kids in those moments when you’re not trying to teach them anything at all?

What if the great author Umberto Eco is right, and whatever your answer is to that question is exactly what they’re learning most from you?

Here’s some of what I hope my answer is (what I hope my kids are learning when I’m not trying to teach them):

• I love being with you.
• I don’t always have an agenda for your life.
• I enjoy accomplishing difficult tasks.
• Relaxing is necessary, even as a “responsible” adult.
• The second I stop learning is the second I stop living.
• Your mother is the girl of my dreams, and the most important person in my life (even more important than you).
• God is Love.

Peace begins with pause,

“Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths.”
(Edgar A. Shoaff)

One of the most surprising effects of the Internet has been the radical shift from an information age to an advertising age. Think about how many tech giants gain almost all of their revenue from gluing us to the ads on their site. Twitter and Instagram, for instance, can lose billions of dollars each year but still stay in business because all the eyeballs they own will eventually attract enough advertisers to make them profitable someday.

Take a moment to reflect on how many ads you’ve seen this week. You probably couldn’t count that high.

Take a moment to reflect on how much Amazon knows about you, based on your searches and prior purchases.

Take a moment to reflect on how many messages you’ll receive today, telling you over and over again how incomplete your life is, how much more you need to own to feel better, and how you don’t really know what’s best for you.

Now go have a talk with your kids about all of this, helping to prepare them against the onslaught.

Peace begins with pause,

“Observe all men, thyself most.”
(Benjamin Franklin)

Occasionally, our ScreamFree Parenting and Marriage materials receive a criticism for telling folks they need to focus less on their family, and more on themselves. This is the height of selfishness, critics have said.

It’s actually the exact opposite. “Focus on yourself” is not a call to neglect others; it’s simply a recognition that whatever we focus on most we will inevitably try to control. Thus, ScreamFree is a call to focus on controlling yourself, instead of trying to control others.

Only with such self-control can we allow others to be themselves. Only with such self-control can we remain calm in the face of anxiety. Only with such self-control can we listen to people, be fully present with them, and release them from having to do anything for us to make us feel better.

So let’s think about this. What’s more selfish:

• Focusing on ourselves, taking care of our own needs, and thus freeing others from having to do anything for us?

Or:

• Neglecting ourselves, focusing on others, and inevitably needing them to behave or feel a certain way to make up for our self-neglect?

Peace begins with pause,

“We have an almost unlimited ability to ignore our ignorance.”
(Daniel Kahneman)

Maturity requires an awareness of three truths:
1. There’s a lot you don’t know
2. A lot of what you do know is wrong
3. Your biases shape your knowledge more than you know.

You have biases, ways of thinking that you inherited from parents, from teachers, from the time and place in which you live. The way you see the world is largely colored by the lenses through which you look.

Mature and humble people know this, and that kind of humility is what leads to wisdom.

Wisdom is not a body of information to be learned. Wisdom comes by embracing your limitations, recognizing your biases, and rejecting overconfidence. Ultimately, wisdom means knowing what you don’t know, and refusing to ignore your ignorance.

Peace begins with pause,

“Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.”
(Albert Camus)

This weekend is yours. It belongs to you, and you are free to spend it however you wish.
Can you own this? Can you willingly recognize that all the plans you have to do were actually once choices you made?

I know you have to go to the 12U baseball tournament, you have to do laundry or tend to the yard, or you may even have to go in to work.

But actually…you don’t. You, at some level, because of the prior commitments you signed yourself up for, volunteered for all these “have to”s. Which means you own these plans.

I’m not daring you to ditch everything and be selfish.

What I am doing is daring you to believe you actually do have all this time for yourself, and you are, either passively or actively, choosing how to spend it.

So…this weekend is yours. It belongs to you, and you are free to spend it however you wish.

Peace begins with pause,

“A wise parent humors the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor when his absolute rule shall cease.”
(Elizabeth Gaskell)

Sure, lots of folks take offense at the idea of being “friends” with your child. “They don’t need me to be their friend; they need me to be their parent!” And that’s true…for a while. But remember this: the whole goal of parenting is to help our kids get to the place where they don’t need us any longer. They’re supposed to outlive us, after all. That may be hard to think about, but it’s true nonetheless.

The sad truth is too many of us like to be needed by our children. It gives us a feeling of importance and worth that’s otherwise hard to come by.

Still, at some point, our children will be on their own. They won’t need our permission to do things or go places. That won’t happen all at once — at least it shouldn’t. But, as our kids grow, we should be giving them more and more freedom (and responsibility). We should be teaching them to become good decision makers, which doesn’t happen without a lot of trial and error. Making mistakes and getting hurt is an integral part of that process.

The more you can encourage your child to become independent and self-reliant, the more they’ll come to believe in themselves. And when you champion their dreams (instead of your own), they’ll come to see you as a true friend (and a trusted advisor).

Peace begins with pause,