“The patriot’s blood is the seed of freedom’s tree.”
(Thomas Campbell)

Over the last several years, we’ve had the chance to make over 200 visits to US military installations around the world. We’ve gotten to meet thousands of service members, and their spouses and kids, along the way.

These are all people and families just like yours, except these families are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to protect others. What saddens me, on Memorial Days like yesterday, is knowing that some of the families we’ve met through the years already have. And a few of the soldiers we’ve met have been killed since our visit.

Dying for one’s family is one thing—an amazing thing.

Dying for my family? For my neighbors’ families? For millions of people you don’t even know? That’s something else altogether.

Peace be with everyone.

“This is your time and it feels normal to you but really there is no normal. There’s only change, and resistance to it and then more change.”
(Meryl Streep)

A number of you will be attending high school graduation ceremonies this weekend. I wish the best for you during this time of reflection and hope.

My family enjoyed this season two years ago with our daughter, Hannah. As you may know, I was at the time writing her a book, a collection of advice letters for her journey off to college.

Well, a month ago we published those letters into a book, called Choose Your Own Adulthood: A Small Book about the Small Choices that Make the Biggest Difference.

Reviewers are calling it a “perfect graduation gift book,” and a “guide for any teenager (or adult) wanting a great adulthood.”

If you’ve already picked up a copy for the graduate in your life, thank you! I’d love to hear what you think! If not, click the link above.

If you’d like me to personally address your young adult, reply to this email and you can buy a signed copy right from me.

Peace begins with pause,

“First, keep the peace within yourself. Then you can bring peace to others.”
(Thomas a’ Kempis, 1380-1471)

In almost every circumstance, we can make things better for those around us if we are the calmest person in the room. But far too often, we’re not.

If we really want to be the kinds of parents, spouse, and leaders people can look up to–the kinds of people our kids strive to become—then we have to learn how to keep the peace within ourselves. We cannot jump the gun and rush to fix others’ problems instead of taking a long, hard look at our own. The people in our life need our calm presence more than just about anything else.

We all have what it takes to give it to them, if we’re willing to pursue the kind of peace that only comes through asking ourselves tough questions and confronting our own difficult realities.

Peace begins with pause,

“You can’t outrun a ghost”
(Death Cab for Cutie, “No Room in Frame”)

One of the most difficult barriers to pressing pause is the fear of losing ground. “I can’t pause and think–I’ve already got too much to do and not enough time to do it!”

Forgive me for sounding like a therapist, but perhaps this stated fear is not our actual fear. We may not be running to our next task; we may be running from the expectations of those from our past.

Our fathers who were never satisfied with our effort, or results.

Our mothers who still need us to succeed, so as to validate all their sacrifices on our behalf.

Our teachers, our coaches, our bullies, our exes.

Keeping busy can seem to keep these ghosts from our past at bay; the truth is the more we run, the stronger they chase.

When we pause, however, we can actually name those ghosts. And that’s how we tame them.

Peace begins with pause,

“Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.”
(Author Unknown)

A recent study of 26,000 adults reveals that in the 2010s, Americans are having less sex than they did 20 years ago. That’s right. Despite the supposed new sexual freedom of the Millennial generation, American couples are connecting sexually an average of nine fewer times per year.

I hope this isn’t true for your marriage, but according to the study, the decline was seen across gender, race, region, education, employment and relationship status.

So what’s to blame for this decline? The researchers cite hectic schedules, libido-crushing SSRI anti-depressants, and the rise of iPads and smartphones in the bedroom, taking partners mentally away to anywhere but there with each other.

Those are all definitely factors, but sound more like convenient ways to avoid the vulnerability, the discomfort, and the personal growth required for great sex.

The truth is that sex is the perfect double-edged sword: It offers the greatest human connection possible, but only if you’re willing to risk the greatest human injury possible. No one can touch you like the one you expose yourself the most to, and no one can hurt you like the one you expose yourself the most to.

This is the real reason online pornography, sex novels like the Fifty Shades series, and virtual reality affairs will continue to rise in popularity: They offer us the pleasures of sex without all the risk.

This is also the reason, however, that these things leave us feeling lonely, depressed, weak, and resentful of our partner.

Peace begins with pause,

“The irony is that the person not taking risks feels the same amount of fear as the person who regularly takes risks.”
(Peter McWilliams)

Most of us have heard about the fight or flight reactions associated with high anxiety. When scared, our brain stem can take over and try to make us take up arms, or pick up and run away.

There’s another kind of reaction possible in this state, however, and it may be the most common: freeze. We’re terrified so we just tighten up and dare not risk any kind of move at all.

This kind of freeze is how many of us grownups operate overall, particularly as we get older and accumulate marriages, mortgages, and kids. We have so much to lose, we dare not risk any of it.

But not risking anything can be every bit as damaging, and every bit as scary, as risking everything.

What risky move have you been contemplating lately? Giving your oldest kid more freedom this summer? Trying out a new career? Telling your spouse about either one?

What are you risking by NOT taking these risks?

Peace begins with pause,

“Man is not the creature of circumstance; circumstances are the creatures of men.”
(Benjamin Disraeli)

I know your significant other has hurt you. I know your romantic relationship would be so much better if they would just stop _______________, and start _______________.

And yet, I also know this: You are not a passive bystander in your relationships. You are an active contributor, even if you don’t think so (being passive, for instance, might be your contribution to the very problems you complain about).

A challenge for us all: This weekend, try to think of one thing you absolutely know you could do differently, and do it.

Even if you think you’re not the one who needs to change.

Even if you think it won’t do any good, ‘cos the other person won’t change in response (or even notice, perhaps).

Even if you think making any change will lesson your leverage and make you feel like your spouse is winning.

Do it for you.

Peace begins with pause,

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. “
(Kahlil Gibran)

Our job as parents is not to re-create ourselves. That is narcissistic and short sighted. But many of us do it anyway without even realizing it. The simple fact is, our children are separate beings. They think, they feel, they create, they love. With or without you, they have that capability.

The best thing we can do is love them and allow them the space to grow into themselves. Give them a chance to develop their thought muscles when they are young so they can become strong, influential, confident adults…freely capable of making their own decisions.

Peace begins with pause,

“No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.”
(Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley)

There is evil in the world. And lots of it.

There is evil in your world. I have no doubt of it. What I also believe, though, is no one setting out to do evil to you as their intention. They are, as Ms. Shelley says above, simply doing what they believe will make them happy, or what they believe is right.

Now, think of the “evil” people in your life. The ones who do you harm. Would you approach them differently if you didn’t assume evil intent on their part? How might that change your next conversation?

Peace begins with pause,

“Not the cry, but the flight of the wild duck, leads the flock to fly and follow.”
(Chinese Proverb)

As parents, we sometimes feel as if it is our job to get our kids to do certain things. The reality is, our job is much more interesting, and much more far reaching than that.

Our job is to lead our children into adulthood. To do so, we want to influence our children, not simply prod them. We want to see them fly towards responsibility on their own rather than be pushed and prodded into it by us. By acting as a leader in your family, rather than a gate keeper or game warden, you are in control of the flight path. You behave with utmost integrity and you will inspire your children to do the same. Lectures, shouting matches, and power plays only serve to undercut the respect you want your children to feel towards you. Lead the way with your flight path and have confidence they will follow.

Kids want to be inspired by their parents; by your calm example of adulthood, you give them the chance to do so.

(Want a quick & easy read on this subject? Buy my new book, Choose Your Own Adulthood, just for you. It’s all about the choices true adults make, and I know it’s helping me be a better grownup.)

Peace begins with pause,