“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
(Milton Berle)

To all the moms out there: Did you have a good Mothers’ Day? Was it everything you hoped it would be? I hope so. I hope you felt appreciated, respected, and deeply loved by your family all around you.

I also hope you felt worthy of it all.

For many moms, guilt is a constant companion. They’re not “doing it all” enough, and they’re not doing any of it well enough. Some of you have guilt-ridden doubts about your ability to play this part, and guilt-ridden fantasies about just running away.

And then Mothers’ Day comes around, and you then feel guilty about all this celebration of you and your accomplishments and abilities as a mom. I hurt for all the moms that felt this way yesterday.

Perhaps next year’s day will be different. Perhaps next year you can look back on:

• a season of self-acceptance and grace,
• a year of comparing yourself to no one else, except maybe your former self
• a time where you stopped judging yourself by your kids’ behavior (they’re going to act like kids, surprisingly enough)

I want you to make peace with all your guilt, so you can appreciate yourself the way your family (or at least, Hallmark) appreciated you yesterday.

Peace begins with pause,

“I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.”
(twenty-one pilots, “Stressed Out”)

Can we be honest? I care what you think.

Beware the person who says, boldly, “I don’t care what other people think.” Then why make the pronouncement?

You obviously care that I know you “don’t care what people think,” right?

Only sociopaths care nothing about what others think. The rest of us do care, and without that feedback, society would be impossible.

The truth is we all care what people think, but we struggle to manage that care. We either misplace it, caring too much about what the wrong people think, or mismanage it, caring either too little, or too much, about what anyone thinks.

Try this: As honestly as possible, rank the following in order of how much you actually crave their positive feedback (not all will apply to everyone):
• Your father
• Your mother
• Your siblings
• Your friends/classmates from high school
• Your friends/roommates/social club mates from college
• Your spouse
• Your kids
• Your friends
• Your coworkers
• Your boss
• Your faith community
• Your Facebook friends
• Your online dating prospects
• Strangers
• People wealthier than you
• People poorer than you
• People more attractive than you
• People less attractive than you

Now, the really tough part: Ask someone close to you to rank this list in the same way, but as they observe you in action. Whose positive feedback do they believe you crave the most?

Peace begins with pause,

“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson later.”
(Vernon Sanders Law)

Today’s TBT is a Daily Pause from my wife, Jenny (and co-founder of ScreamFree). I believe it was written back when our daughter was in middle school:

My child has had a week to write an essay, and now she’s frantically throwing something together the night before it’s due. She is a creative and talented child, but as you might imagine, the paper she’s now writing is tripe.

The “parenting expert” part of me knows this experience is actually a good thing for her to learn. It is a life lesson we have all tasted in one form or another. The English teacher part of me is literally biting through pencils to hold my mouth shut. What is likely to come out wouldn?t be pretty.

So, I pause. And I think of the quote above about experience. What do I really want for Hannah?

• I want her to learn it is easier on the nerves (and the results are often far better) when you do things before the last minute.
• I want her to develop a sense of initiative and drive so she wants to take care of her own business—without having to be prodded.

Well, the only way those things can happen is if I give her loving guidance and direction…and then back away. That way she can learn these lessons for herself. (And that way I learn better how to keep biting on pencils so I can keep my mouth shut?

Peace begins with pause,

“No man is free who is not master of himself.”
(Epictetus)

Every time we do something for our kids, something they should be learning to do for themselves, we are making a short-term trade for a long-term loss. Whether it be making their breakfast or making their bed, waking them up or working late on their homework, we are making it easier for them now and more difficult for them later.

By restraining ourselves from doing too much, however, we create the possibility of them learning the most important skill in life: mastery over themselves.

Peace begins with pause,

“Relentless, repetitive self talk is what changes our self image.”
(Denis E. Waitley)

If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a dirty mouth. Not because you use bad language (although I definitely do that), but because of how you talk to yourself.

When you make a mistake—what names do you call yourself?

When you lose a deal, or an argument, or even a bet—how do you explain it to yourself?

When your life seems lost, or meaningless, or hopeless—what have you been telling yourself up to that point?

Today, just for today, let’s you and me try to stop cursing…ourselves.

Peace begins with pause,

“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he wiser today than he was yesterday.”
(Jonathan Swift)

We’ve all done it, but none of us is great at it. We all love to hear it from others, but none of us like to say it ourselves.

Of course, what we’re talking about is this: the painful practice of admitting we’re wrong.

Why is it so hard to do? Does it feel like we’ve lost in some relationship war? Does it seem as if admitting this error is really admitting that we ourselves are the error?

I like how Jonathan Swift puts it: Admitting we’re wrong just means we’ve grown wiser. And isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t growth in practical wisdom among the very best things in life?

So, let’s you and me try it today. Find someone you know you’ve wronged, or someone you know is right about something you previously disagreed with, and tell ‘em:

“Hey, you know what? I’ve been thinking over the weekend about ____________, and I think you’re right about that.”

I can only promise one thing: growth.

Peace begins with pause,

In the progress of personality, first comes a declaration of independence…
(Henry van Dyke)

Back on Wednesday, we talked about declaring our independence, even if we’re not “independently wealthy.” We looked at how we voluntarily makes our selves dependent by needing things from others.

Well, what if we didn’t need these things?

• If we didn’t our need kids to follow our commands, what would happen? What if we freed ourselves from having to tell them everything they needed to do every time? (I can tell you, there’s a good chance they may start to motivate, remind, and manage themselves)

• If we didn’t need our spouse to change, in order to make us feel validated, how would that change the relationship? What if we freed ourselves from being so dependent on another person’s day-to-day feelings for our own strength? (I can tell you, there’s a good chance our spouses will start to naturally find us, and our ideas for our life together, more appealing)

• If we learned to love what we already have, and learned to live on even less than that, would our lives suddenly stink? What if we freed ourselves from the constant pursuit of more? (I can tell you, there’s a good chance you’d sleep better at night)

The more we need, the less freedom we have. That’s why the U.S. made their Declaration so many years ago. For freedom.

Could it work in our personal lives as well?

Peace begins with pause,

“When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.”
(Lenny Bruce)

It is easy for parents to forget what it’s like to be a kid. It’s easy to forget what it’s like being small, or feeling as if no part of your life is up to you.

Here’s a tip: the next time one of your children is battling you in a seemingly nonsensical way, (e.g. pitching a fit for no reason), try a little empathy:

“Wow, seems like you?re having a rough day. Is this one of those days where it’s just tough to be eight?”

He may not automatically respond in a way that you’d like, but he’ll definitely get the impression that you’re trying to understand.

And that can sometimes make all of the difference.

Peace begins with pause,

“It’s easy to be independent when you’ve got money. But to be independent when you haven’t got a thing — that’s the Lord’s test.”
(Mahalia Jackson)

For most of us, our existence is dependent upon working to earn a living. The vast majority of us are not, as the old expression goes, “independently wealthy.”

But as Ms. Jackson states it, you don’t need money to declare your independence. What you need is to lesson your needs.

We throw that word, “need,” around all the time, never contemplating the ramifications.

• To our kids: “I need you to get dressed on time this morning, okay?”
• To our significant other: “I need you to validate my feelings, or help more around the house, or increase your sexual desire for me.”
• To anyone within earshot: “I need more money.”

What if we didn’t need those things?

(On Friday, we’ll answer this question…stay tuned)

Peace begins with pause,

“Life is the sum of your choices.”

(Albert Camus)

One of the most difficult truths of adulthood is this: Our lives are largely up to us.

Yes, there are overarching societal and governmental and economic forces shaping our worlds, but we almost always have more choice than we realize. Choices like:

—whether we respond to a situation, or react
—whether we finish this current project, or start another one instead
—whether we create something of our own, or just critique the work of others
—whether we strive to be interested in others, or just try to make ourselves look interesting

These are some of the choices we highlight in our new book, Choose Your Own Adulthood. Yes, it’s a graduation gift book for HS & college young adults, but it’s also a life manual for those of us burdened by the freedom of choice. (Which means all of us, of course).

Pick up a copy today! (and we’d be so honored if you wrote an honest review on goodreads.com or amazon.com. Thanks!)