“If you want a baby, have a new one. Don’t baby the old one. ”
(Jessamyn West, U.S. author (1903-1984))

Perhaps you saw this story last month, about a couple suing their 30-year-old to make him move out of the house.

One of the ironies in life is that often, when we operate out of doubt and fear, we drive ourselves to the very outcomes we are seeking to avoid. A 30-year-old baby isn’t cute by anyone’s standards, and when we baby our kids, we are well on our way to creating that very outcome.

When we hold our children, let’s be careful not to hold them back. When we do too much for them, and passively allow them to shirk their responsibilities to the rest of the family, we are not doing them any favors. In fact, we do so usually to avoid the discomfort of a fight, which is quite selfish.

Give your child (especially your youngest) things s/he can be fully responsible for, and then respect them enough to do them or not (and taste the natural consequences of either decision).

(And start launching them out of the nest long before they hit 30).

Peace begins with pause,

“If we can agree on anything anymore, it’s that we live in a post-truth era. Facts are no longer correct or incorrect; everything is potentially true unless it’s disagreeable, in which case it’s fake.”
(Alan Burdick, The New Yorker)

Question: When you read the quote above, how much weight do you put on who/where it came from?

Did you ignore it because you didn’t recognize the author?
Did you dismiss it automatically because it comes from a magazine like The New Yorker?

One of the unintended byproducts of the so-called Information Age is the incredible distrust we place on any information. The quote above came from a recent article about the rise of the Flat Earth movement. These are conspiracy theorists who believe the earth is actually flat and we’ve all been duped by science to believe otherwise.

These folks distrust everything except they hear from one another. They actually question our landing on the moon with this: “Well, did you see it with your own two eyes?” (Not that they would believe Neil Armstrong).

So where is your trust level these days? And how do you talk about this with your kids?

Here’s a way forward: Instead of asking whether something is true, ask this: If it were true, how would that change anything about me, or my understanding of the world, or how I live my life?

In a post-truth world, only spend your trust on ideas that matter.

Peace begins with pause,

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer
with passion, excitement, and acceptance.”
(John Lennon)

Fear is among the most powerful of all emotions. And since emotions are far more powerful than thoughts, fear can overcome even the strongest parts of our intelligence.

This is why intellectual arguments against this political candidate, or against that side of an issue, are rarely persuasive. Our thoughts in an argument are like classically trained boxers, studying their opponent for their opportune time to punch. Our fear, though, is like a pro wrestler, stepping into the ring and whacking its opponents with a folding chair.* Fascist dictators, guerrilla revolutionaries, and talk radio hosts alike know this truth about fear, and that is why, for them, facts are secondary. Fear is primary.

If we’re not careful, the worst parts of ourselves will act the same way—toward ourselves. We can paralyze ourselves by conjuring up all the bad things that could happen, or by only remembering the bad results that did occur. It doesn’t matter that the actual facts in front of us, or behind us, paint a far more balanced picture. Fear shades all competing notions with its shadow.

And that’s why you can’t defeat fear with only thoughts. They must be accompanied by another powerful emotion. Contrary to popular thought, this other competing emotion is not courage. Courage is necessary, but it cannot be primary, because it seeks to take fear head on. Courage tries to defeat fear, to overcome it. But this will not work, because A) fear is too strong and too enduring—it may lose battles but it wins the war eventually; and B) we don’t need defeat fear; we only need to manage it so as to be vitally useful when absolutely necessary.

So, what is the emotion that’s stronger than fear? I think you already know it.
• It is the most powerful of all emotions, but it can appear weak to those without it.
• It is the most lasting of all emotions, but it is, in many ways, the slowest to develop.
• It is the most courageous of all emotions, but is the scariest to put into practice.
• It can seem fleeting and fickle at first, but it is the only emotion the God of Abraham actually commanded us to feel toward others.

Like I said, I think you already know it.

*Thanks to Roland Barthes, and Judd Legum, for that analogy.

Peace begins with pause,

“All women should know how to take care of children;
most of them will have a husband someday.”
(Franklin P. Jones)

It is very common, unfortunately, to make jokes about dads occupying the role of the biggest kid in the house; i.e. the biggest kid mom has to raise.

We even see it routinely on T.V.—Robert Young (“Father Knows Best”) and Andy Griffith have been replaced by Homer Simpson and numerous fat imbeciles somehow married to thin, attractive, and super-responsible wives. Even some popular childrens’ books perpetuate the image, with the Berenstein Bears dad continually portrayed as yet another kid mom has to put up with.

“I’ve got three kids—including my husband, ha-ha!”

No ha-ha.

Husbands, you cannot let your wives do all the child-rearing and housework, blame her for your lack of freedom, and then expect her to respect you, and long for you, as a man.

Wives, you cannot complain about your husband’s lack of involvement, criticize his parenting and/or housework when he does get involved, and then expect him to appreciate you, and woo you, as a complete woman.
The marriage we all crave can only happen when we see each other as equals.

Peace begins with pause,

“If I could define enlightenment briefly, I would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is.”
(Dr. Wayne Dyer)

It’s Tuesday morning (after we in the US had Monday off). This could be a disappointing reality for you, or a fantastic reality for others. Either way, it is what it is. Let’s just quietly accept it.

The school year is coming to an end, and summer approaches. This could be a scary reality for you, with kids home all summer, or an exciting reality for others, getting a much needed season off. Either way, it is what it is. Let’s just quietly accept it.

Your boss is who she is, and she’s not going to change for your benefit. It is what it is. Just quietly accept it.
Your significant other is a separate person from you, who will never think exactly like you. It is what it is. Just quietly accept it.

This quiet acceptance of reality is not the end. It is not a passive resignation from trying to make any changes. It is just recognizing that we cannot change our reality in the future without first accepting how it is right now.

Peace begins with pause,

[I hear you loud and clear: the title is too long. Yesterday I asked for your feedback on the title of my new book, The 7 Deadly Sins of the 21st Century. So many of you wrote in, and I’m grateful. I’ll be depending on your comments throughout the writing process.So now, feast on this: As promised, here is an excerpt with my new definition of sin in the 21st century:]

There is something wrong with the world today. You know it, and I know it, or at the very least we can feel it. We are living in the future we always imagined, with more connectivity to more people and more information than ever before. But are we happier? Are we less anxious? Are we more at peace with ourselves and others?

No. No, we are not.

The technology we worship has not saved us from the stress of life and strife, but it has amused us, busied us, and distracted us in ways we didn’t know was possible. It has also divided us, and addicted us to itself, like nothing else in human history. Perhaps the worst part is this: it has tempted us with new ways to sin.

We’ve always struggled with sin, and the old vices of pride, lust, envy, etc. will always be with us. But the 21st century has given us some new ways to sin against ourselves and others—choices we make that go against our better judgment, habits we practice that steadily make our lives worse, and systems we help create that make it harder for whole groups of people to ever substantially improve their lives.

For the 21st century, we need a definition of sin that’s more currently relevant, more scientific, more personal, and more empowering for all folks who wish to truly change. Why? Because we all still feel, on a DNA level, that something is wrong with the world. Something is wrong with the world in general, and with our lives specifically. Plus, we all need to follow truths that give us power and methods to improve our world and our lives. Doing God’s good by avoiding the Devil’s evil simply doesn’t translate into responsible, compassionate behavior on a large scale anymore. And waiting till death or judgment to know our record of righteousness, and living in fear until then, doesn’t leave most modern people in a state of peaceful love for one another. The old definitions of sin simply don’t work anymore.

So, what does it mean to “sin” in the 21st century? What I’ve come to believe is this: Sin is avoiding reality, and all it wants from us, and evading the present moment, the only thing that truly exists. Sin is whatever we do to avoid or escape the Here, the Now, and the Real.

By this definition, picking up your phone and glazing through an app, to avoid the awkward lull in your current conversation? That’s sinful. Starting yet another task in order to multitask, and thereby avoiding the truly productive work of concentrating on the one job in front of you? That’s sin as well. What about judging yourself to be superior because your social media profile has prettier pictures and more followers, or inferior because you simply kept scrolling until you met your match, all the while using both comparisons to avoid the work of loving yourself and others as is? Yep, that’s sin. And we all know it.

Turns out there are a number of behaviors we do in the 21st century that particularly qualify as sinful, according to this definition of sin. Seven, to be exact. These seven sins are the specifically modern ways we are making our world, and ourselves, more miserable. This is amazingly ironic, because they are all committed in the name of making ourselves happier. By avoiding the power of the present, in order to somehow live in the past or escape to the future, we ironically limit our ability to learn from the past and actually change the future. The only way future moments improve is to fully exist in the current one. We call these seven sins “deadly” because the more we practice them, the less capable we are of feeling truly alive.

I know this language will make some people very nervous. These words even sound like heresy to some ardent believers in their religion. What I hope to achieve is a conversation about integration, allowing people to hold on to their dearest beliefs about God and the afterlife, all the while learning a few things about how, despite those dearest beliefs, they don’t feel very peaceful or happy right now.

What’s needed, however, is a new definition of sin that fits with this universal experience. “Violating God’s law” doesn’t carry much weight in positively changing people’s behavior these days, nor does it fit with everyone’s worldview. What this book proposes is a new definition of sin, one which could actually unify people of faith and their secular neighbors, and actually help us all confront our habits and change our ways.

Peace begins with pause,

Yesterday I talked about the need for a guide in the 21st century, someone or something to lead us away from the myriad of furry little distractions pulling us away from the life we want most.

That was actually an excerpt from the introduction to my newest book, The 7 Deadly Sins of the 21st Century: Confessing All the Modern Ways We’re Killing Ourselves to Be Happy, and it’s what I’ve been working on most of this year. No, it’s not published yet; it’s not even been sold to a publisher yet. You Pausers out there are going to actually help me write it.

Periodically, I’m going to show you excerpts, like I did yesterday, and I crave your feedback on what speaks to you, what doesn’t, and what you’d like to see more and less of.

Tomorrow, for instance, I’ll let you in on my new definition of sin.

For now, what do you think of the title and subtitle?

Peace begins with pause,

“Squirrel!”
(Dug, the talking dog in Pixar’s Up)

My friend Don McLaughlin tells a story about his family’s visit to the Grand Canyon. They were all standing at the rim, mouths agape at the sheer size and spectacular beauty in front of them, when a tour bus arrived with a new group on onlookers. It was a large coach carrying a group of Japanese tourists.

The bus came to a stop a few hundred feet away from the canyon, with the exit door facing the other direction, toward the surrounding trees. They all poured out one-by-one, with Canons and Nikons in hand. This was not unusual. What struck Don was this: All these visitors, who had traveled so far (and spent so much) to see one of the world’s great vistas, stayed on that side of the bus, fascinated by and taking numerous pictures of the squirrels in the forest.

These good people had to be led by their guide away from those little furry distractions to experience the real purpose of their journey, and one of the true wonders of life on this planet.

I confess, I need such a guide as well.

Like those tourists, I have spent vast amounts of time and energy and money to experience what life has to offer, only to be led astray by furry little distractions.

Don’s story occurred many years ago, and our willingness to abandon our ultimate goals for shiny temporary objects (or furry little distractions) has always been part of the human experience. But life in this 21st century, I believe, is categorically different. Never before have we been surrounded by this many squirrels. (Seriously, the squirrel population on earth is out of control, but I digress). The supercomputers in our pockets offer our eyes more immediate distractions than our brains can handle, and it has led to the following conundrums:

—We are more connected than ever, but feel more lonely and depressed
—We have more information than ever, but feel more anxious about making any decision
—We’re busier than ever, but less productive

The 21st century has delivered us more data and powerful connective capabilities than most humans could ever dream of, but let’s be honest—its greatest legacy, at this point, is one of shrunken attention spans and infinite distractions, fake news and conspiracy theories, endless envious scrolling of other people’s edited profiles, Candy Crush Saga, cat videos, and ads. Never ending ads.

So, I need a guide. I need someone to lead me away from the furry little distractions (which are customized just for me, based on my browsing history) and back toward the real purpose of my journey. I need a plan to steer me away from what I want right now and back toward the dreams, the experiences, and the life I want most.

How about you?

Peace begins with pause,

This week, my youngest graduates from high school. It’s a wonderful but bittersweet time, as many of you know, and it’s very easy to get worried about all you didn’t teach your son or daughter about life.

That’s why I wrote a book to my daughter when she left for college a few years ago. It’s called Choose Your Own Adulthood, and many of you have already bought it. Thanks to you guys, this little graduation gift book became an Amazon Bestseller the first day, and we’re still reaching more and more graduates and their families with this empowering message.

Two requests:

1.    If you’ve already read a copy, would you be so gracious to offer a review on amazon or goodreads?

2.    If you have any friends or families heading towards a high school or college graduation, send them a copy! As you may know, this book was originally written for my daughter as she left for college, so it’s designed to be a perfect little graduation gift book.

I would LOVE to send you a personalized, signed copy to the graduate in your life, so we’re offering a special deal this week only.

The world needs more adults, wouldn’t you agree? That’s the cause that drives us, and that’s the why behind everything we do here.

I believe this book can help.

Peace begins with pause,

Get My Personalized Copy Now

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”
(Albert Einstein)

There was a commercial out last year promoting the Virtual Reality headgear of the new Samsung phone. The ad shows multiple people of all ages and colors, experiencing VR technology for the first time.

We can’t see what they’re seeing, of course, but we can see their reactions: audible gasps, irrepressible smiles and laughter, and a giddy excitement that makes us all want to try it. I know I do.

What I also know, though, is that technology is not inherently good. Just because we can do something new doesn’t mean we should—consider extreme examples like atomic explosions or nicotine-addiction-inducing cigarettes. I don’t know what this means regarding the Samsung VR, but I do know this: We could film people taking certain drugs for the first time, or receiving certain physical stimulations, and see similar elated reactions on people’s faces.

I know I sound like a curmudgeon here, and who knows what VR tech can do for training surgeons & pilots, or giving new experiences for handicapped peoples.

But the thought of going further in the direction of taking us elsewhere from reality, while using goggles to disconnect us from the life and loved ones in our immediate presence, seems like a high long-term price for a few immediate oohs and aahs.

Peace begins with pause,