“If I could define enlightenment briefly, I would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is.”

(Dr. Wayne Dyer)

It’s Monday morning. This could be a disappointing reality for you, or a fantastic reality for others. Either way, it is what it is. Let’s just quietly accept it.

The school year is coming to an end, and summer approaches. This could be a scary reality for you, with kids home all summer, or an exciting reality for others, getting a much needed season off. Either way, it is what it is. Let’s just quietly accept it.

Your boss is who she is, and she’s not going to change for your benefit. It is what it is. Just quietly accept it.

Your significant other is a separate person from you, who will never think exactly like you. It is what it is. Just quietly accept it.

This quiet acceptance of reality is not the end. It is not a passive resignation from trying to make any changes. It is just recognizing that we cannot change our reality in the future without first accepting how it is right now.

Peace begins with pause,

“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
(Oscar Wilde)

When someone you know is just spoiling for a good fight, the worst thing you can do is give them one. Instead, if you really want to get ‘em, rise above the fray and stand your ground with complete calm. It takes an incredible amount of self-control, but you’ll be amazed at the results once you muster the strength to pull it off.

Your kids will get flustered.
Your mother-in-law won’t know what to do.
Your boss. Your ex. Even your dog, will get bent out of shape watching you keep your cool!

Imagine—they will get frustrated with you for being mature, instead of you getting frustrated with them for being immature.

Peace begins with pause,

“Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.”
(Marcelene Cox)

When people tell me that they have a “strong-willed” child, I tell them, “Welcome to the club – and congratulations!”

Children with strong wills are nothing to be worried about; in fact, they should be celebrated. We should all be trying to raise children who have strong wills and desires.

Don’t you want your 13-year-old to have a strong enough will to resist drugs if his friends pressure him? Of course you do.

But this doesn’t mean that you should always let your child have his way; that would be abusive. Set boundaries and at the same time, give your child some space to exert his will in appropriate ways so that he maintains that sense of self he naturally has. Celebrate the fact that your son is growing into a person who is confident and strong.

If your son wants to wear a hot pink shirt paired with bright red shorts, what’s the harm in letting him? Maybe, just maybe, if you give your kids a little more say in the small things they can control in their lives, they won’t fight you so much on the bigger issues.

Peace begins with pause,

“Rational behavior requires theory. Reactive behavior requires only reflex action.”
(W. Edwards Deming)

I am a 45-year-old white male, with multiple graduate degrees, one wife, and a life of Sundays spent going to church. How much do these things shape how I view the world? I can tell you…more than I could possibly know. These are but a few of my largely unchosen biases, and there are likely a thousand more.

Do these biases make me a bad person? No. They just make me a person.
What makes me a better person is recognizing these biases, and trying to learn how they shape my definition of reality. This is where theory comes in.

Adopting or developing a theory about the world is a way of choosing our biases. Since it is impossible to observe the world without bias, scientists develop educated theories about the world works, and then test whether the theory is correct.

ScreamFree is one such theory. It is an educated, chosen mindset that shapes how I see the world. Is it based on research? Yes. 100% purely objective research? No, because there is no such thing.

What I do know is that as I put the theory into practice, by simply responding more and reacting less, my adult life tends to improve.

What’s been your experience?

Peace begins with pause,

“It is theory that decides what we can observe.”
(Albert Einstein)

“That’s just a theory; you don’t really know what you’re talking about.” This is s a common line, thrown out in the midst of a disagreement. Too bad it’s actually based on a terrible misunderstanding.

A theory is not just a idea without any basis; it’s actually an educated way of shaping how we see the world.

So what does this have to do with being ScreamFree, whether as a parent, a spouse, or a leader? Come back tomorrow.

(In the meantime, I’ll give you a hint by asking a question: Do you think you’re a biased person?)

Peace begins with pause,

“The greatest of all mistakes is to do nothing, because you think you can do only a little.”
(Anonymous)

It’s Monday, so do something.

Do something different. (Like taking a slightly different route to work, just to shake and wake yourself up).

Do something counterintuitive. (Like waiting a bit longer than usual to reply to a text, just to tell yourself you’re not on someone else’s digital leash).

Do something uncomfortable. (Like looking someone in the eye the whole time you’re talking).

Lemme know how it goes.

Peace begins with pause,

“Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”
(Eddie Rickenbacker)

Let’s be brief and to the point. Every single one of us has an idea about what could improve our most important relationship. And the reason this is an idea, and not yet an action, is because we’re scared to try it. Or say it. Or stop it.

Here’s our chance. This weekend could be the start of something new, and all we have to do is start doing a new behavior, or stop doing an old one. Some possibilities:

—Asking out your spouse for a real date (here’s a hint: don’t get ready in the same bathroom this time…find a way to get presentable behind closed doors, like you used to on real dates)
—Allowing your son or daughter to do something you’d normally say no to (here’s a hint: giving them new freedom is the only way to give them more accountability)
—Addressing your sibling’s or a parent’s hurtful behavior (here’s a hint: write it down first, and even run it by a friend…you want it to be honest, yet as unoffensive as possible)

What’s yours? Apologizing to someone? Finally acquiescing to your spouse’s request to do something adventurous? Acknowledging to someone they were right and your were wrong?

Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s scary—that’s why you haven’t done it yet.

Now’s your chance.

Peace begins with pause,

“I apologize…for all the times I took my issues and made them yours.”
(Kristin Van Ogtrop, “A letter of apology to a son graduating from college”)

As we approach the end to another school year, some of us are more reflective than others. That usually depends on whether your kid is crossing a recognized milestone, like graduation or the transition to middle school.

Well, as one mother did in the quote above, this reflection may lead you to apologize. Perhaps you’ve got something specific to make amends for, perhaps not. What most all of us can offer is something like Ms. Van Ogtrop’s: I am sorry for mixing up your issues with my own. For instance:

—My anxiety about your grades was far too much about whether I was the one failing..as your parent.
—My pushing you in sports was far too much about my need for you to succeed
—My difficulty in helping you through that emotional time was not that I didn’t care; I just didn’t know how to stop helping and just listen.
—My harsh punishment wasn’t because I was mad, it’s because I wasn’t able to manage my fear about your future.

If none of these feel right, and you feel no need to apologize, then great. Love and laugh through this transition. If one of these seems to resonate, though, or something else comes to mind, give your kids a graduation gift: Take what’s yours back off their backs.

(And if you really do need an actual graduation gift, check out Choose Your Own Adulthood!)

Peace begins with pause,

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.”
(Obi-Wan Kenobi)

Among the most destructive labels we can apply to our kids are those having to do with their perceived disobedience. We see their bad behavior, we watch them openly defy our authority, and we call them “rebellious,”or “defiant,”or “out of control.” If we believe this description is perfectly accurate, we may even get them officially diagnosed with “Oppositional Defiant Disorder.”

The problem is this: What we think we see becomes what we continue to see, according to our perspective. And these labels are especially sticky, so we shouldn’t be surprised they actually perpetuate the behavior we were hoping to curtail. Think about it—if the kid’s got a “disorder,” a diagnosable “condition,” then how can we expect her to suddenly become compliant? She can’t…she’s got ODD!

The next time you’re tempted to call your kid rebellious, pause. Ask yourself this: What exactly is she rebelling against? You? A relationship with you? Law and order? Or…is she just fighting off your efforts to control her?

If your kids are part of the Rebellion, doesn’t that make you Darth Vader? (which, if you didn’t already know, was intentionally a play on Dark Father)

I know this sounds crazy, but I pray you don’t have totally compliant kids. The “rebels” are the ones who are most able to think for themselves, create the world’s innovative solutions, and fight off oppressive injustice. Just like that pesky Skywalker kid did with his “Dark Father.”

Peace begins with pause,

“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.”
(Fyodor Dostoevsky)

The biggest barrier to creating the great relationships we crave most has always been, and will always be, our fear. We are all, at varying levels, afraid of change—even if it’s the change we’ve always wanted.

We say we want to have a better relationship with our teenagers, but with their door closed, or their face buried in their phone, we shy away from making an awkward interruption.

We say we want to improve our sexual connection with our mate, but when we actually think about sending that inviting text, or making that gentle but unmistakable move…well, the TV’s the only thing that’s always “turned on.”

Say the word. Make your move. Create the new.

Peace begins with pause,