“…there are lessons we can learn from this experience.”
(United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz)

Last week I mentioned that what we do at ScreamFree is teach people how to pause, so they can respond more and react less. This is actually one of the chapters in Choose Your Own Adulthood, our new graduation gift book.

But “Respond More, React Less” is not just a lesson for young adults, it’s a vital lesson for all of us. Even corporations.

For instance, imagine if United Airlines had responded to their overbooking situation, instead of reacting. By now we’ve all at least heard about the violent way they forcibly removed a man from his seat before takeoff a couple of weeks ago. The company needed a few seats to transport a crew to another airport, to prevent against canceling flights. So, after no one offered to give up their seats (for $1,000 each), the pilot ordered them to randomly select passengers for a mandatory removal. Chaos ensued, and now United will be sued for millions in damages. But this is chump change considering their market capital lost a billion (!) dollars practically overnight. This is the price of reaction.

Imagine a different scenario instead. Instead of commanding others to do the dirty work, all the pilot had to do was get out of the cockpit and start walking up and down the aisle, explaining how they simply could not take off until 3 passengers accepted the $1,000 offer to deplane. As he calmly and clearly spoke to these folks, he could smile, even interject some humor (“Are you telling me there’s no college kids on this plane who wouldn’t die for $1,000? Well you don’t have to die—all you gotta do is sleep in a hotel tonight and eat a meal for free, and tell your family you’ll see ‘em tomorrow!”)

I like to imagine Capt. Sully (as played by Tom Hanks, of course) gently interacting up and down the aisle, letting his calming presence dictate the moment. Wouldn’t you bet the passengers would eventually feel a positive pressure to sacrifice for the common good, and capitalize on it personally?

But no, the captain reacted, demanding that randomly selected people be dragged off the plane, at the cost of billions in stock, PR, and probably personnel (like the CEO, I’m guessing).

This is one of but a million examples every day where responding would’ve worked far better than reacting. Is it easy? By no means. But it’s wise, and it’s good, and it’s absolutely worth whatever it takes to get better and better at it.

Peace begins with pause,

Fellow Daily Pausers, thank you so much for the enthusiasm you’ve shown for our newest book, Choose Your Own Adulthood! Thanks to you guys, this little graduation gift book became an Amazon Bestseller the first day, and we’re still reaching more and more graduates and their families with this empowering message.

Two requests:

1. If you’ve already read a copy, would you be so gracious to offer a review on amazon, or goodreads?
2. If you have any friends or families heading towards a high school or college graduation, send them a copy! As you may know, this book was originally written for my daughter as she left for college, so it’s designed to be a perfect little graduation gift book.

The world needs more adults, wouldn’t you agree? That’s the cause that drives us, and that’s the why behind everything we do here.

I believe this book can help.

Peace begins with pause,

“A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.”
(Elbert Hubbard)

Everyone loves personality tests, whether it’s finding out your Myers-Briggs profile or figuring out which Disney Princess you are. The problem is…it all depends. Have you ever come across a personality test question and thought, “Well, if I’m thinking about how I am at work, I’d answer this way. At home, with my spouse, however, I’d answer it differently.”

This is called domain dependence. What it means is we’re shaped by whatever environment we’re in at the moment. Serious personality tests try to account for this, and can do a pretty good job teasing out your most consistent tendencies. But no one is ever…always…anything.

Who you are in a particular setting is relative. Are you an pessimist, for instance? Well, compared to whom? And in what setting? You may have been called a pessimist, but isn’t that label always coming from an optimist?

Again, the reality is no one is ever always anything. Sometimes you are more pessimistic than someone else, but that doesn’t mean you’re a pessimist. It may mean you are very close to someone very optimistic, and your more grounded and realistic view seems pessimistic by comparison. You may even be realistic just because the other person is so optimistic, and your relationship is actually leading you to balance each other out.

Peace begins with pause,

“Being silly is still allowed, not excluded by adulthood. What’s excluded by adulthood is thoughtlessness, so be thoughtful and silly.”
(Hank Green)

When i’m seated on a plane, and people ask me what I do for a living, I often vary the answer depending on how much I want to talk. If I’m in the mood to sleep, I say I’m a consultant. If I’m up for a long chat, I tell ‘em I’m a sex therapist. 😉

Usually, however, when people ask me what I do, I say this: “I help people learn to pause, so they can respond more, and react less.” This almost always leads to a great conversation about relationships, human interaction, and what it means to be an adult. It also leads, eventually, to a question about why I’ve committed my life to this.

Here’s why: It feels good to be a grownup. And the world needs more grownups.

It’s not easy, by any means. It’s actually quite difficult at times. But few things feel better than standing on your own two feet, taking full accountability for your actions, taking care of business, and doing what you said you would. Few things feel better than finishing what you started, caring for those that need you, boldly representing yourself to your significant other, and calmly confronting an injustice (even though you were scared).

The beauty of adulthood is that we can, at times, choose to be childlike and silly and spontaneous, and at other times choose to be mature, serious, and dedicated.

All of these things are available to us as adults, but not until we are able to pause, respond more, and react less. That’s the key that unlocks all the possibilities of adulthood, and all the good feelings that come with it. (Including truly amazing adult sex…)

Peace begins with pause,

“The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.”
(Mel Lazerus)

It’s normal for children, especially teenagers, to push back against their parents. They’re working very hard to differentiate themselves from you, and they’re not mature enough to realize you can be close to someone and still hold different values and opinions from them.

Heck, we’re not usually mature enough to realize this either, which is why we tend to take it personally when our kids reject our opinions and advice.

Perhaps the best thing we can do to help guide our kids into adulthood is to find someone else…someone who doesn’t make all the rules, someone you trust, someone to whom your child will actually listen. This could be a family member, like an aunt, perhaps, or an older cousin, or a grandparent. It could be from outside the family as well: a trusted family friend, or a teacher, a coach, or guidance counselor.

The real trick is to not be offended when someone else you both trust can really help your teens get through something difficult.

Be a big enough person to seek out and accept that kind of help. It doesn’t diminish your influence. In fact, that kind of maturity will actually increase it.

Peace begins with pause,

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

I used to refer to Facebook and other social media as “Timesuck,” for obvious reasons. But I have to confess that lately I’ve been feeling even more animosity towards it and all other social media hubs. Perhaps I’m just doing it wrong, but rarely do I come away from a scrolldown session feeling appreciably better about my life, or about life in general. Don’t get me wrong, I do find inspiration in the occasional video, or laughs at certain memes. If I’m really honest, however, I usually come away with this vague sense that, at best, I just wasted some precious time I’ll never get back, and at worst, I feel envious of/inferior to other peoples’ lives. This is when it feels more like “Soulsuck.”

I know I’ve fallen prey to this when I notice an urge to post the best looking pictures of my trips, or my kids. Or when I need to post the most clever quote on the most inspiring photo slide. These are not healthy urges. And sure, we can have them without any social media at all. But not nearly as fast, and our brains can’t really handle it. Imagine if you went to a party and saw 40 different people in 40 different settings in a matter of 40 seconds. And you flicked them all away with a swipe of your finger. You would go postal. And so might they.

What helps is when I pause, close the laptop, and breathe. Then I can realize the truth: I am neither inferior nor superior to anyone. My life is neither better nor worse than anyone else’s. No one is beating me and no one is losing to me.

It actually was never a competition in the first place.

Peace begins with pause,

After all is said and done, more is said than done.”
(American proverb)

This weekend, let’s all try something:

Fulfill a commitment. Keep our word. Deliver on a promise.

Whatever you want to call it, pick something you said you would do, and get it done. Maybe it’s taxes, or yard work, or arranging a date night.

Few things feel better than the integrity that comes with doing what we said we would. Now’s our chance.

Peace begins with pause,

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis’. One brush stroke stands for the word danger; the other for opportunity.”
(John F. Kennedy)

When it comes to our children, most of us have a radar that NASA would be envious of. We find trouble even where there is none to be found. It’s the other brush stroke that needs our attention, more often than not.

This is true, not just in our parenting, but in all of life as well. When we are faced with adversity, we should welcome it as a teacher and allow it to strengthen our ScreamFree muscles. Our lives would be more joyful and peace-filled if we could look at stressful times from a this point of view. The next time Timmy brings home that “F” or Suzie throws a fit getting into the car take a deep breath, smile a true smile, and be thankful for the chance to be the kind of influence that they need.

Peace begins with pause,

“Frankness invites frankness.”
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

How many times have you blown up at your spouse, or child, or coworker, because you finally say what you should have stated weeks or months ago?

We’ve all done it. We get hurt, or upset, or scared by someone’s behavior, but we bite our tongue, and hope it will go away and get better on its own. That way we can avoid the discomfort of disturbing the peace.

What we fail to remember is that the other person has already disturbed our peace.

When the behavior continues, and continues, our ability to hold it in erodes and then we explode. This usually doesn’t make things better, however, because the other person hears the tone of our blowup more than the message of our statement.

So, go ahead, be frank with your partner, or your child, or your coworker. Say what you need to say, with your calmest tone, so at least you’ve got a chance of being heard.

Peace begins with pause,

“Do not wait; the time will never be just right. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.”
(Napoleon Hill)

The old Apollo rockets used the vast majority of their fuel just getting off the launchpad.

In the same way, it can feel exhausting to get started making changes in our lives:
-that new exercise regimen
-beginning a new career
-telling your spouse how you really feel
-taking classes toward a new certification or degree
-changing how you provide structure and discipline for your kids

All of these can take more energy and effort than we think we’ve got, and that can discourage us from even thinking about beginning. But if we want to reach new heights, we’ve got to get off the ground (or couch, comfort zone).

We can do this.

Peace begins with pause,