“The essence of morality is the subjugation of nature in obedience of social needs.”
(John Morley)

What comes naturally for us Homo Sapiens sometimes makes us animals; what natural urges we’re able to manage and master make us human.

For example:

• it’s natural to scream at people, in an effort to establish dominance over others, but learning to calmly represent yourself in times of stress establishes you as an authority over yourself (and makes you much more influential)
• It’s natural for a male to seek multiple body mates to propagate the species, but learning to mate with one body and spirit for life turns a male into a man
• it’s natural to cower around those with outward physical, financial, political, or religious superiority, but learning to think of yourself as an equal to any helps you stop comparing and start having more compassion for everyone

Peace begins with pause,

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”
(Ambrose Bierce)

It can be scary to confront your teenager about her recent behavior changes. But parenting is more important than fear.

It can be scary to tell your wife your fears about your job. But intimacy is more important than fear.

It can be downright terrifying to ask your boss, when she dumps an “urgent” task on your desk, “Which of my current tasks would you like me to sideline in order to get this one done?” But self-respect, and a genuine desire to do your best work, are more important than fear.

Actually, almost everything is.

Peace begins with pause,

“It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one on the end of your arm.'”
(Sam Levinson)

I wouldn’t go quite this far when trying to teach my kids self-sufficiency, but I like the spirit of this quote. Too often, I stepped in when my children were struggling with something because I couldn’t handle the anxiety. Then I wondered why they didn’t do more for themselves—I’m the one who gave them the message they couldn’t!

Allowing your kids to struggle doesn’t mean throw up your hands and remain aloof to their suffering. No, there is a balance—it may look different for each of us, but it should include a healthy dose of encouragement, just the right number of hugs, and probably a little more space than you think they need.

Peace begins with pause,

“It is from finding out what we are not, that we discover who we truly are.”
(Joeyo)

There is freedom when we realize, once and for all, that we cannot be anything we want to be. I am not a professional golfer, jazz pianist, or a sports broadcaster. Those childhood dreams are long gone.

I am also not a Mensa genius, I am not a chiseled physical specimen, and I am not a naturally disciplined person. Oh, and one more thing—I am not very good with technology.

Whew. There, I said it. I could add a number of other things as well…things that, for some reason or another, I have felt the pressure to be at one point or another.

It actually feels good to name the things I’m not, because then I can let go of the pressure to be someone, or something, other than who and what I am.

Go ahead, you try it. Name all the things you’ve felt you were supposed to be. Now admit you will never be those things. So, what’s left? Who are you?

(Makes me wonder what my kids feel pressured to be, and how much I’m the one putting that pressure on them. Ouch.)

Peace begins with pause,

“One of the great illusions of our time is that hurrying will buy us more time.”
(John Ortberg)

Invariably, when I am in a hurry to check out at the grocery store, something will happen to make my line slower than a your average snail. The cashier changes shifts. The register runs out of receipt paper. The lady in front of me is buying some rare Guatemalan melon the cashier has never seen and he has to send three bag boys to find one with a sticker on it. I used to think I was cursed in the “waiting in line department” since this happened to me at banks and in traffic jams as well. But now I think I was just participating in a natural law.

The law is this: Hurrying actually slows you down. This is true not only with cashiers and bank tellers, but with our kids as well. Ever noticed that when you are hurrying to get out of the house with your children, something always happens that slows the process? It’s almost as if the more you speed up, the slower your kids get. I think that’s because hurrying is a needy thing to do. It is a symptom of impatience and anxiety. It is a form of weakness. And kids can sniff out weakness a mile away.

When you hurry, you aren’t creating more time. You are missing out on the only time that is truly yours – the present. Working yourself and your kids into a frenzy just for a couple of extra minutes isn’t going to really get you anywhere. Plan ahead and give yourself margin – more time than you think you’ll need – for a task. Then enjoy yourself along the way. That’s tough to do, but practice helps. The next time you’re at the grocery store, give your patience muscle a bit of a workout and choose the longest line. Who knows, maybe the simple act of not hurrying will pay off and your line will outpace the one next to you.

Peace begins with pause,

“Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.”
(Thomas Arnold Bennett)

Starting in the late 1960s, studies showed kids who demonstrated high self-esteem also demonstrated high levels of accomplishment. So, we all figured we should start praising kids into feeling good about themselves, and protecting kids from failures so they won’t feel bad about themselves. Do this praising and protecting enough, we figured, and kids will start improving their performance.

This ended up becoming a crystal clear example of putting the cart before the horse. As it turns out, the reason accomplished kids felt better about themselves was mainly because of their accomplishments. We’re not talking about the small number of kids winning sports events and spelling bees; self-esteem is not just for those in 1st Place. What we’re talking about here are the accomplishments available to almost anyone:

• cooking a meal
• figuring out a math problem
• building a fort
• waking themselves up on time
• confronting a bully on behalf of a friend
• washing their own clothes
• running a lemonade stand, or a paper route, or a lawn care business, or a babysitting schedule

We cannot praise our kids into accomplishment. We can, however, introduce them to challenges. Then, as they struggle to accomplish things, they can start to praise themselves.

Peace begins with pause,

“A talent is formed in stillness; a character in the world’s torrent.”
(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

The world loves a good child prodigy. We celebrate precocious, otherworldly-talented youngsters like Magi to Messiahs, marveling at the youngest violinist, or mathematician, or Alabama football recruit.

I wish we would stop. Possessing an outstanding talent as a youngster is among the easiest ways I know to develop an unbalanced character. The problem is this: Just because one aspect of a kid’s development is accelerated doesn’t mean the rest of him should automatically follow. A six-year-old may have size 11 feet, but that doesn’t automatically mean he wears a size 44 jacket. Not yet, anyway.

And none of it means he’s developing good character along the way, with humility, compassion toward others, gratitude, and respect for authority. That comes through the challenges of struggle, overcoming obstacles, sharing heartache with others, and apologizing when your mistakes are clear.

Most likely, what your young brainiac or early-puberty-home-run-machine wants most is not to be the world’s youngest anything. Probably just longs to be normal, and have some good friends.

Peace begins with pause,

“A sense of duty imprisons you.”
(Jennie Holzer)

I know this may sound crazy, but contrary to what your grandparents may have told you, duty and obligation and honor are not the highest values of civilization. And they’re among the worst values for creating great relationships.

The problem is the duty motivation can only last so long. Eventually, everyone who does their duty long enough will come to expect others to reciprocate. “I’ve done my duty to society, and now society needs to do its duty to me!” This is actually quite logical, but it builds transactional relationships that are only as strong as everyone’s perceived sense of equality. As long as everyone feels treated exactly fairly, then duty-based relationships have a chance of working.

Of course, this never happens in reality. Each of us tends to overestimate our contribution and underestimate others’, leaving us all feeling a bit under appreciated at best, cheated at worst. .

What’s the alternative? Moving beyond duty, and towards freedom and love. Only freedom and love can motivate each of us to give and contribute, even if we don’t feel fully reciprocated. Only freedom and love can shake us from our shoulds and oughts and supposed tos, and shape us to act not because we have to, but because we want to.

“I do” is a free act of love, not duty.
“I will protect you, provide for you, and prepare you for adulthood” is a free act of love, not duty.
Even “I will do my job” is a free act of love, if you actually want to enjoy your work.

Peace begins with pause,

“I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some.”
(Herbert Rappaport)

Practicing mindfulness through meditation is a wonderful method for managing life. It has become so common even big companies are betting millions of dollars on meditation rooms, guides, and mobile apps. Everyone seems to be talking (or whispering) about it.

I personally love it…when I do it. In so many ways, meditation is like pushing the pause button we always talk about at ScreamFree. But here’s my main question: What do we do afterwards? When you open your eyes, and open your mind to the beauty of life around you, then what?

• Are you taking that newfound gratitude to then give more time and resources to the underprivileged?
  How are others directly benefiting from your newfound calm? Is it contagious?
  As you awaken to the beauty of life, are you also motivated to heal some of its ugliness?
• I know how ancient teachers of meditation would answer these questions; what I’m interested in is how we amateurs answer them with our habits and practices. By all means meditate and find inner peace; then let’s work together to make outer peace with each other and our environment.
• As you awaken to the beauty of life, are you also motivated to heal some of its ugliness?

I know how ancient teachers of meditation would answer these questions; what I’m interested in is how we amateurs answer them with our habits and practices. By all means meditate and find inner peace; then let’s work together to make outer peace with each other and our environment.

Peace begins with pause,

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”
(Charles Darwin)

It’s amazing how some popular quotes we all say are actually misquotes. Take this statement from the Christian New Testament: “Money is the root of all evil.” Actually, money is not the bad guy. What 1 Timothy 6:10 really tells us is this: “The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.”

Similarly, Darwin never said anything about evolution being about the “survival of the fittest.” It’s a popular notion, however, used to elevate brute strength as the greatest of all attributes. “Only the strong survive” is another form of this idea. Fortunately, it’s simply not true. Brute strength can be an asset, whether physical or mental, but it is not the critical ingredient needed to last, and persevere, through time. (If it were, the dinosaurs would’ve surely made it).

No, what Darwin brilliantly observed is this: the species that survive the longest are the ones who evolve to fit their ever-changing environment. Therefore, it’s always been survival of the…most adaptable. Survival of the… most responsive. Survival of the…most willing to let go of the old and adjust to the new.

Think how this applies to life transitions we all face:

• When our little kids start becoming big teenagers, for instance, the parents who survive are the ones most adaptable to this change. These are the ones choosing to let go of the instinct to always protect and control, and choose instead to prepare and influence.
• When our bodies start to require less calories, and more recovery time, those who survive are the ones able to respond with moderation, instead of reacting with stubborn old habits.
• When our spouses naturally change their preferences, ideas, or commitments, the marriages that survive are the ones capable of evolving away from old things “in common” toward a greater respect for individual expression.

How are you reactively resisting a natural change in your life right now? How could you respond, and adapt, instead?