“The more I encourage a child to think for himself, the more he will care what I think.” (Unknown)

I am still a bit surprised when I hear parents say that they aren’t interested in teaching their children to think for themselves. Their line of thinking goes something like this: “Children can’t be trusted to make good choices, so I can’t give them the option of choice. I have to tell them what to do so that I can make sure that they do the right things.”

These parents love their children and want what is best for them, but they often end up in my office with a very rebellious (or apathetic) child, and can’t figure out why. I typically ask these parents one question…

“Until when?”

When will you stop telling your child what to do? When they turn 18? 21? 35? When can you be trusted to make “the right” decisions, according to you? Here’s the irony. The more you tell your kids how to live, the less they listen to whatever true wisdom you have to offer. I know it’s a fine line, but teaching your child about life is not the same thing as telling them how to live.

If you can be on the right side of that line more often than not, you’ll find that instead of ignoring or combating the parent they resent, your kids will be seeking and finding the parent they need.

“…I was looking for revenge; Thank God it never found me…” (Stevie Ray Vaughan, “Tightrope”)

Whenever we feel rage, or righteous indignation, or a desire for revenge, it can seem as if we can’t help it. The emotions and desires are so strong, so palpable, they actually seem to overwhelm our ability to control them.

This is not true.

Like it or not, we actually have complete culpability in fomenting those feelings. No, we didn’t cause whatever the other person did to us, but we are the ones choosing to retell the story of their injustice. We are the ones choosing to re-send their hurtful words through our mind again and again. We are the ones choosing to elicit validation for our hurts from others.

And then we feel overwhelmed by our need for justice.

It is up to me whether I mine my mind for feelings of vengeance or decisions of forgiveness. It is up to me whether I excavate my emotions for more rage or more love.

“The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.” (James Thurber, American Humorist)

Thurber alludes to a truth about human nature: It is easy to make fun of others, but it is more productive to make fun of yourself. I actually learned this lesson from my daughter not too long ago. She and Brandon were arguing in the other room and I was working very hard to let them settle things without my intervention. Brandon was trying to get Hannah to see his point and she was stubbornly refusing to do so.

After about 5 minutes of not getting anywhere, he said with a sneer, “Hannah! How can you not see this? How stupid can you get?!?!” As I jumped out of my seat to correct him and come to her defense,  she replied with a knowing grin and a mischievous look in her eye, “I don’t think you want to test me, I can be pretty stupid.”

They both dissolved in a heap on the floor laughing both at her admission and at his blustering ways. Humor has the uncanny ability to diffuse tense situations – but be sure that the target of this humor is a safe one – yourself.

There is tremendous value in having a sense of humor about your own parenting. I think that you’ll find that being able to laugh at yourself doesn’t make you seem foolish, it makes you seem real. Your children will learn more from you than you ever thought possible because you’ll be showing them firsthand how to roll with the punches and pick yourself up without beating yourself down.

Now, about him calling her stupid…

“First, keep the peace within yourself. Then you can bring peace to others.” (Thomas A Kempis)

In almost every circumstance, we can make things better for those around us if we are the calmest person in the room. But far too often, we don’t do what it takes to make that possible.

If we really want to be the kinds of parents that our kids can look up to – the kinds of parents that our kids strive to become – then we have to learn how to find and keep the peace within ourselves. We cannot jump the gun and rush to fix their problems instead of taking a long, hard look at our own.

Kids need our calm presence more than just about anything else. We all have what it takes to give it to them, if we’re willing to pursue the kind of peace that only comes through asking ourselves tough questions and confronting our own difficult realities.

“A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.” (Bob Dylan)

Years ago, I missed my daughter’s piano recital; I was traveling for work. I called her from the road afterwards and asked her how she thought it went. We chatted about that for a bit, and I ended by saying, thoughtfully enough, “I wish I could’ve been there.”

“What, Daddy?” She calmly inquired

“I said, I wish I coulda been there to see you play.”

“No, you don’t.” She wasn’t angry, just matter of fact. I started to protest but then she answered:

“Daddy, if you wish you could’ve been here, you would’ve chosen to be here. You chose to be at work instead.”

Ouch.

Before I could utter the “but I have to work…” defense, she countered:

“Don’t you always tell us to take responsibility for all our choices? I don’t mind that you weren’t here, Daddy, just don’t blame work for your choices. You choose the kind of work that needs you to travel.”

“Now the thing that I call livin’ is just being satisfied with knowin’ I got no one left to blame.” (Gordon Lightfoot, “Carefree Highway”)

I’m currently writing two books on adulthood: one to help teens make adult choices, one to help parents launch their teens into making those adult choices.

Before beginning either, I had to develop a definition of adulthood itself. What type of existence are we launching our teens into? What does adulthood look like?

Here’s a start: The beginning of Adulthood is the ability and willingness to accept full responsibility for your choices. It is the freedom of blaming no one else for the choices that have brought you here, and looking to blame no one else for the next choice you’re about to make.

That’s just the beginning, however. The arrival of Adulthood is when you actually welcome this truth of taking full responsibility, and blaming no one else, as true freedom.

“All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.” (Franklin P. Jones)

It is very common, unfortunately, to make jokes about dads occupying the role of the biggest kid in the house; i.e. the biggest kid mom has to raise. We even see it routinely on T.V.— Homer Simpson and numerous fat imbeciles somehow married to thin, attractive, and super-responsible wives. Even some popular childrens’ books perpetuate the image, with the Berensteins Bear dad continually portrayed as a buffoon, another kid mom has to raise.

Husbands, you cannot let your wives do all the child-rearing and housework, blame her for your lack of freedom, and then expect her to respect you, and long for you, as a man.

Wives, you cannot complain about your husband’s lack of involvement, criticize his parenting and/or housework when he does get involved, and then expect him to appreciate you, and woo you, as a complete woman.

“Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince, 1943)

My son just taught me something last night. After I told him he needs to sleep in his own bed “because that’s what big boys do,” he explained that such reasoning is actually counterproductive. “That just sounds like you’re trying to embarrass me, and it doesn’t make me feel good.”

Ouch. He’s exactly right. Especially considering that I thought using the “big boy” reasoning would compel him to feel good enough about himself to conquer his fears about nighttime.

Whenever we think of our kids as creatures to be tamed and trained, we slip into technique-mode. We try to use whatever manipulation we can think of to get them to do…whatever. But then we miss out on the truest joy, and truest purpose of parenting. It’s when we approach our kids as separate human beings—capable of decisions, thoughts, and yes, instructions—that we get to experience a true relationship with them. And that means, sometimes, we get to learn from them.

“Without discipline, there’s no life at all.” (Katharine Hepburn)

When our daughter was a senior in high school, we eliminated all rules. That year was a wonderful dress rehearsal for this year, when she’s away at school and we have very little window into her daily life.

That meant it was up to her to decide what she allowed, and declined for herself. This was a bit of an adjustment, for all of us. Sometimes she actually wanted us to tell her what to do.

“When do I need to be home tonight, Dad?”

“When do you want to be home? It’s up to you, Sweetheart.”

“Well, I’m still just 17, and Georgia has a curfew of midnight.”

“So…”

“So…I think I’ll get off the roads before then.”

“Sounds wise. Send me a text before you start your way back home.”

Now that she’s gone, I cannot tell you how relatively confident we feel about her ability to discipline herself at school, because she’s already been doing it for a while.

“Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” (Rabbi Abraham Heschel)

Remember the first time your 3-year-old daughter dressed herself? She was spending a lot of time in her closet, and she finally presented herself—clothed in a horribly mismatched collection of colors, patterns, and styles.

While a part of you couldn’t stand the idea of taking this creature out in public, you couldn’t help but notice the look on her face. She was beaming with pride, filled with the self-respect that only comes to those who are allowed, and even encouraged, to own their unique space in the world.

The more she’s empowered to say yes to herself in this way, the more she’ll also begin to say no to her less helpful desires. It won’t happen immediately, but starting with self-respect leads to eventual self-discipline.

Beginning with perfect outfits, always picked out by your image-conscious parents? Well, good luck with that.