“Beyond talent lie all the usual words: discipline, love, luck — but, most of all, endurance.” (James Baldwin)

I have to admit that it’s been fun, as my teenagers start to launch, talking to them about work. Sure, we still converse a lot about school, and relationships, but we also talk about business, and what it takes to make a difference in the world.

While I enjoy discussions about being really talented in one’s occupation, I find myself emphasizing talent less and less. I guess I’m old enough to have seen incredibly talented people flame out, or flake out, too soon to succeed.

What matters more is endurance. Persistence. Staying alive through the valleys of self-doubt and public criticism. Just hanging around, while others don’t, is the least sexy, but most consistent, formula for success.

It’s a good thing we get to model this for our kids, as we endure through all the challenges of doing family. Those of us who persist in parenting, refusing to quit and still striving to learn, are on the right path.

All along, our greatest hope for your kids has been that they each become a “responsible” adult. I know, I know, every parent says that. But not every parent means it the way we at ScreamFree do. Most parents, when they say the word “responsible,” are trying to convey the idea of doing the right thing, or doing what you’re supposed to do. This is absolutely not what we want for your kids, because we believe “doing what you’re told” is not true responsibility.

The truest meaning of responsibility is to be response + able. We want your kids to be able to make a response. That’s why we’ve always tried to give our kids choices in every situation. That’s why we’ve tried to not tell them what to do all the time. We would rather all kids learn to think for themselves about a situation and choose how they want to respond, even if they end up making a “bad” decision. That way they can learn for themselves what is best for them, which is one of the central hallmarks of adulthood

“Eating everything you want is not that much fun. When you live a life with no boundaries, there’s less joy. If you can eat anything you want, what’s the fun in eating anything you want to?” (Tom Hanks)

In our era of instant electronic connection, people are freaking out more than ever. Quick, unthoughtful, cruel tweets. Trolls online, filling up comments pages with instant negativity. Couples breaking up because one of ‘em took too long to reply to a text. (She hasn’t texted me back, and it’s been over 20 minutes! She must be cheating!)

Used to be, a hundred years ago, when people traveled by train or boat, the loved ones left behind would have to wait days or weeks to hear from their dearly departed. Word would finally come through a carefully written letter. And then they would, upon much reflection, craft a response letter back. Contrast that with today. Now people rush to flip out their phones as soon as the plane touches down, ‘cause heaven forbid their loved ones go a minute more without knowing if the flight went down in flames.

Emotional reactivity is on the rise, and it’s everywhere. It’s what makes for great reality TV, that’s for sure. But in true reality, it makes for pretty bad relationships. Just stay cool today. No matter what.

One prominent researcher says that we are witnessing the discovery of a new life phase, that of the “emerging adult.” After adolescence, this guy says, our kids will not become young adults when they turn 20. No, they will then become emerging adults. They won’t become “young adults” until the ripe old age of 30. Maybe then, after their brains have been fully developed for five years, we can expect our kids to make more mature decisions.

I guess none of us should be too terribly surprised by any of this. After all, we’ve all been crying out for a while now that 50 is the new 40—why shouldn’t 30 be the new 20?

Here’s why: Protecting our kids from the responsibility of making choices, until their brains fully develop around the age of 25, neglects how our brains develop in the first place—by making choices.

“When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.” (Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible)

A little known practice of successful people is that they don’t allow themselves to be paralyzed by the need for more and more information before they make a decision. Successful people have learned to decide more, and deliberate less. I know this sounds counterintuitive. Successful people, after all, are the ones who make the best decisions, so it would seem the opposite is true, that these people are the ones who take their time, gather as much information as possible, and then, after deliberating over this information with wise counsel, finally decide upon the best course of action.

That is true some of the time. But not most of the time. Most of the time, successful people get just enough information to eliminate the obviously terrible choices, choose a path among the remaining options, and then learn and adapt as they go. Once they set out, they will continually adjust course, but they rarely change their mind and go back.

Unsuccessful people do just the opposite.

“Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.” (Author unknown)

Kids are more absorbent than we’ll ever know, even thought it seems like just the opposite is true. They watch us with eyes and hearts that simply do not forget. The things that we try to teach them are well and good. It is important that we teach them how to write a thank you note or how to be a good friend, for instance. What we must realize, however, is that those intentional lessons can only go so far. It is the unintentional lessons that we teach which our children will remember forever.

Think of it this way: How do you want your child’s romantic relationships to look? How strong do you want their work ethic to be? How generous do you want them to be with those less fortunate? Instead of telling them how to do all of these things, focus on the way that you do them right now. That way, when your kids are grown and they find themselves sounding just like their mother or father, they will be proud to do so.

“There is no such thing as safe sex. There never will be.” (Norman Mailer)

For a long time, I’ve thought the best metaphor for human sexuality is that of fire. In and of itself, fire is essentially good, and a necessary element for human survival. In the right context, within the proper constraints, it cooks our food, warms our bodies, and powers our machines. We cannot live without it. Outside of that context, however, fire is powerfully destructive. Forest fires, chemical explosions, lightning—fire is among the most destructive forces in the world.

Sex is the same way. Sex, I believe, is inherently good. In the right context, sexuality has the capability to connect human beings in the most intimate way possible, bonding them for life. And speaking of—sex has the power to create life itself! Every single one of us is the product of a sexual connection. Like fire, however, sex outside of the right constraints (a lifelong, committed relationship), sex has an immense power to destroy lives. Rape, molestation, disease, death, unwanted pregnancies, abortions—sex is, like fire, among the most powerfully destructive forces in the world.

This us why “hooking up” should be called “playing with fire.”

“Most people do not listen in order to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” (Steven R. Covey)

My mentor Bill took an interest in people. While many people enter a room with a mentality that says, “Here I am!”, Bill seemed to always enter by finding you and claiming, “There you are!” And then he would proceed to ask you more and more questions about…you. He was always interested in others. You could ask him about his health, and he would give an honest answer, but then shrug it off. He really wanted to know more about you.

More and more, I am finding this to be among the most attractive qualities about a person, old or young, big or small. When a person is able to shut out the surroundings and pay close attention to you, it leaves you feeling valued. When that person then listens to you, without any agenda other than getting to know you better, you feel an attraction to that person.

Unfortunately, there are not enough Bills in the world. What most of us usually experience in our conversations is not a genuine interest in one another, but rather a competition to see who has the most interesting thing to say, or who lives the more interesting life.

“You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.” (Will Rogers)

Normally, when it comes to young people, the word “risk” is only used in a negative way. As in, “we don’t our teenagers engaged in risky behavior,” or “our community has far too many at-risk youth.”

What all of these cautions seem to miss is that risk is not just a negative term. Even big insurance companies, who stand to lose millions when their clients make big mistakes, don’t talk about risk avoidance—they talk about risk management. Risk is not something to be avoided at all costs; it is something to be managed. It is something to be carefully calculated, chosen, and executed.

What’s better to be avoided is regret. Regret is an awful feeling. It’s a nasty way of looking backwards that makes you want to curse your former self, and shame your current one.

The truth is that most of our regrets in life aren’t about the risks we did take; most of our regrets come from the risks we didn’t.