“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parent.” (Carl Jung)

Tomorrow’s the day—I finally take my first child off to college. She’s been packing for a week, but there’s one burden I hope she leaves with me: my own unfulfilled dreams.

It is tempting to pin our own hopes and desires on our children. We often feel as if they represent a fresh start in the world, especially in moments like these. But this is one of the most selfish and harmful things we could possibly do. Our children have their own unique desires, talents, and challenges. They deserve the chance to figure those out on their own.

God, may I be courageous. May I dare to pursue my own dreams and my own goals, so that my kids can see how to do the same.

“Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” (Plato)

Most people could be far more effective in their parenting if they would take this quote to heart. Certainly, there are times when conversation is totally appropriate and will go a long way towards creating a good relationship with your child. But then there are the times when action speaks much louder than words.

There is an entire chapter of our book, ScreamFree Parenting, devoted to this idea. We call it, “Let the Consequences Do the Screaming.” When your child needs to be disciplined, there is no need to make a production of it. Be matter of fact and move on.

When your child doesn’t have to tune you out, they are much more likely to tune in when it counts.

“What you cannot enforce, do not command.” (Sophocles)

Some of us fantasize about our kids (or our employees) simply obeying all the rules all the time, without us having to ever enforce any consequences. Good luck.

So, what to do? Lecturing is ineffective and erodes the fabric of the relationship that you’ve worked so hard to build. With that stated, the consequences that you wish to enforce must be chosen wisely.

Many times, people get paralyzed by this notion because they want to believe that there is a perfect consequence for each kind of infraction. Not so. Really, any consequence will do – IF you can enforce it.

The next time you need to lay down the law, remember: empty threats are really broken promises. We can’t overpromise, then under deliver, and wonder why our kids don’t respect us.

“Most conversations are merely monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.” (Margaret Millar)

Learning to truly engage in conversation with another is among life’s greatest challenges. We have to listen with our full focus, restrain the need to quickly correct or critique what we just heard, and then represent ourselves with calm, clear authenticity.

No wonder it hardly ever happens.

“What is a home without children? Quiet.” (Henny Youngman)

Living with children can sometimes sound like being ringside at a three-ring circus. There’s often too much going on to make sense of, and sooner or later, as ringmaster, you end up cracking your whip just to get a little peace and quiet.

ScreamFree Parenting advocates turning down the volume in your home when it comes to interacting with your kids, but we’re not hearkening back to the days when children were to be seen and not heard. Before we know it, our kids who inadvertently slam doors and sometimes leave the TV on too loud will be gone. We will no longer hear their laughter on a daily basis or feel the floor shake as they tromp through the house with a pack of friends. As much as we may crave quiet now, we’ll miss that background noise later.

So, do this today. Listen to your children. Too often, the only time we pay attention to the sounds our children make is when they irritate us. Just for today, try tuning those minor things out and tuning in to the wonderful sounds they send your way. They way they hum to themselves as they read. The chatter they create with their friends on the phone. The sound of their scratchy voices in the early morning hours when they first wake up. I think you’ll find that when you choose to listen for the good things, suddenly the hum of your house, as it brims with life, sounds less like a circus, and more like a symphony.

“Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.” (Norman Douglas)

When I stood up there at the altar 22 years ago today, in front of God and everybody, I took an oath. I swore to the heavens, to my bride Jenny, and to myself that I would “I do,” as long as we both lived.

I didn’t say “We do,” and I sure didn’t say, “As long as you do, I do.” I said “I do…even when you don’t.”

And so did you. This was not a promise to behave a certain way as long as it’s prudent, or productive. This was an oath you and I swore to, calling ourselves to a standard of allegiance, fidelity, and hope. We promised to love, to honor, to cherish this one like no other.

If our spouses don’t live up to this oath, so be it. You and I can always confront them on this. And we should, using the ScreamFree Marriage principle of Authentic Self-Representation.

What we cannot do is break the same oath, but justify it because at least we didn’t do it first.

“Togetherness is a good thing. Separateness is a good thing. We need each in order to have a really great relationship, and they need to be balanced. Even more important is the ability to combine the two at the same time.” (John & Linda Friel, The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do)

As a kid I was fascinated by conjoined (“Siamese”) twins. I read stories in the Guinness record book, and I watched TV specials on the courageous families and doctors facing the challenges of separation surgery. These people faced unbelievable choices, and almost always, astonishingly, came away with some sense of gratitude for the journey.

But none of them ever claimed that being conjoined was an ideal situation.

Yet that is what’s often promoted as the ideal relationship in marriage. Through our love songs, our family legacies, and even our best relationship experts, most of us end up with a vision for marriage that is simply not workable. After marriage, we’re supposed to be one, always on the same page. Your spouse is supposed to meet your needs and complete you. And us husbands, we’re even supposed to introduce our spouses as our “better halves!” You were an independent single person, but now that you’re married, you’re now simply half of a whole, needing the other half to “complete “you.

This is why, perhaps crudely, I consider my work with couples as a kind of “separation surgery.” Couples need to hear that separation is a good thing. Individuality is a good thing. It’s not just okay; it’s vital for each partner to have some separate interests, opinions, positions, and circles.

That way when you are together with your spouse, it feels like a voluntary connection between two people facing each other, instead of a necessary attachment of two people joined at the hip.

“Endurance is nobler than strength and patience than beauty.” (John Ruskin)

Immediacy is one the seven deadly sins of the 21^st century. We all bow down to the technology-driven belief that quicker is inherently better.

What this has done to our romantic relationships is incalculable. Gone are the love letters, the sonnets, and the serenades. In their place we thumb out emojis to our beloved. And if we don’t get a reply within a few minutes, we assume the worst: the feelings must not be equal. Love, in this age of “likes,” demands far more patience than this. It cannot be rushed into existence, nor can it only be nurtured 140 characters at a time.

I dare you: write a handwritten love note to your significant other. Nothing too gushing, just a half-page of appreciation will do. Leave it somewhere for them to find it later in the day.

Then…wait. Don’t ask about it, don’t call to in order to prompt a response. Sit with the anxiety of anticipation, like a farmer waits for new sprouts to emerge.

“Put off for one day, and ten days will pass.” (Korean proverb)

Unfinished business is among our greatest sources of distress. It can make a simple walk through the house an exhausting battle against the clothes that need to be put up, the papers that need to be organized, and the dishes that need to get done.

Do an inventory of your relationships, and that distress can leave us even more distraught. What card needs to be sent? What phone call needs to get dialed? Most importantly, what conversation with your spouse or child have you been putting off until the right time?

The irony is that while we want to wait until it’s more comfortable to have that conversation, we don’t do it until it gets too uncomfortable to bear. And that’s usually because the situation’s gotten worse.

If you listened to your gut today, what business would it have you finish today?

“That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.” (Paul Tournier)

In this rapidly-changing world of romantic relationships, we are all having to adjust to some new terms. Committed couples, refusing marriage but calling themselves life-partners. Same-sex couples, pursuing marriage, with wives and husbands having…wives and husbands.

In all this change, there’s one term growing in popularity, and it is definitely growing on me: “significant other.”

So much gets represented in those words: this is the most important person in my life, and I fully recognize that she is not me; she is an…other.

So many problems in romance begin by not recognizing the otherness of our mate. We get anxious when we disagree, or see the same situation quite differently, or begin to change our previously held notions. So, we try to negate this otherness with persuasion, or passive-aggressive manipulation, or screaming into submission.

Everything changes when we remember that when we connected our hearts with another, we were attracted to them as an…other.