“Creativity can solve almost any problem. The creative act, the defeat of habit by originality, overcomes everything.” (George Lois, American Art Director)

Just about every day, we get requests from people who want to know specifically what to do in certain circumstances. “What do I do when my three year old won’t potty train?” or “What should I do when my teen breaks curfew?” On occasion, we oblige with targeted responses. But for the most part, we don’t. Not because we don’t want to help, but precisely because we do.

You see, we believe, like Lois, that the creative act is more powerful than most things known to man. In creating, you are pausing instead of reacting. You are assessing rather than assuming, and you should trust that your ideas are every bit as good as ours – if you’re following the main principles and staying calm and connected with your kids.  

“All the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put the past together again. So let’s remember. Don’t try to saw sawdust.” (Dale Carnegie, US author)

Oh, how much easier and more pleasant would life be if we could live by this principle. Each day really is a new start both for you and your child. If you flipped out over something stupid yesterday, apologize and put it behind you. If your kid had a particularly trying day and managed to stomp on every last one of your nerves, allow your resentment to slide out of you as you slide under the covers.

“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” (Benjamin Franklin)

Worry is the most useless emotion that we can exhibit. It sucks away your time, energy, joy and hope. Yet most of us indulge in it on a daily basis because we are a country of world class worriers. The 24 hour news cycle and 500 cable channels are partially to blame. Print media and the internet don’t help either. Everywhere you turn, you can find reason to fret about the future of your child.

The irony is stark. When you spend the small amount of time you have with your child worrying about what they might become or what they might do – you miss out on who they are right now. And what’s worse is that the more uptight you are about a particular fear, the greater the chances that you’ll actually create the outcome you were hoping to avoid. So, listen to the wise words of one of America’s greats – Today, keep in the sunlight. Notice instead of needle and observe instead of obsess.

“They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.” (David Assael)

Jenny here. I’ll admit it. I often treat total strangers with much more dignity and respect than I do my own loved ones. Before today, I never really stopped to wonder why. This statement helps me see what is really going on when I snap at my kids while gently correcting their friends.

Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. We have much more invested in the behavior of our own children. When the neighbor’s kid leaves his plate at the table and rudely remarks that he didn’t eat because it was gross, we don’t take it quite so personally. We may correct them, but we’ll do it matter-of-factly (then laugh with our spouse at their incredulity). If our little angel did the same thing, you’d better believe they’d hear about it from us in a not so kind and gentle manner. Why is that? Because then it means something…about us.

We jump on them because they should know better! We have taught them good manners and when they choose not to use them, it’s like a slap in the face to all the hard work we’ve done. I’m here to tell you, rude manners and bad behavior should certainly be addressed. But the lessons will be learned even more effectively if we can just rise above the natural inclination to take things so personally. Instead, try pretending that this darling child in front of you is your nephew or neighbor. And show him what you value by modeling it yourself. Teach him to respect others by extending a little of it on your end of things. You’ll be amazed at how far that will take you.

“We inevitably doom our children to failure and frustration when we try to set their goals for them.” (Dr. Jess Lair)

As my teenagers age, we both engage in a sort of mutual disillusionment.

As they become more conscious and educated, their illusion of me as the strongest, smartest, greatest parent in the world* has given way to the reality of the real me, with both strengths and weaknesses, with both integrity and inconsistencies.

As they both become older and literally full-grown, my illusion of their limitless possibilities has given way to the reality of life, with SAT scores less than 1600, and a batting average less than 1.000.

What this mutual disillusionment has made me most aware of is my propensity to put my expectations on both of them, hoping that they will each begin to adopt those high expectations as their own personal goals. To put it mildly, this has not worked.

What has worked has been setting my own goals for myself, and pursuing those instead. Their goals are up to them.

*I am, of course, kidding. They never thought of me as the strongest & smartest, not with their mother around.

“I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.” (Katharine Whitehorn)

Learning to represent yourself well, especially in difficult conversations, is among life’s greatest pursuits. It takes careful pause, so you don’t rashly react. It takes careful speech, so your words are clear and unmistakable. Then it takes another careful pause, so you can avoid saying more than is warranted.

“Honey, I am not telling you how to act, because you’re a grown woman, and I love you. What I am saying is that when you yell at our kids like that, it makes it harder for me to support you.”

Sounds easy when it’s laid out. What makes it hard in real practice is doing all of the above while the receiver of your “authentic self representation” thinks you’re just being a stubborn ass. Or too dogmatic. Or a pig-headed fool.

Hold yourself firm. They may accuse you of being a farm animal, but learning to calmly represent your truest self to those closest to you is actually among the most human activities of all.

“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.” (Herbert Otto)

The search for a placid, tranquil life is elusive, in a sense, because you are constantly changing. Life is change, and you’ve got to keep adjusting to it. This means you’ll always be facing new obstacles and learning new things. That’s part of the joy of living.

Every day is new. Every face is new. Every flower is new. The tree outside your house is not the same as it was yesterday. Everything is in a process of change, including you. So, experiment with life. Try new things. Eat new things. Look at things again. Don’t rely on yesterday’s observations alone.

Experimenting with your own life is exhilarating, full of wonder and joy. It can also be a little scary. It can be frightening to deal with the unknown. But it’s the only way to shake off the complacency that keeps us from growing.

“All marriages are mixed marriages.” (Chantal Saperstein)

The phrase “mixed marriage,” thankfully, makes no sense to my two teenagers. For them, interracial or interreligious or intercultural marriages are so common they’re seen as “normal.”

For those of us who grew up in an earlier time, “mixed marriages” was, for a while, a socially acceptable way of talk about “abnormal” pairings. Some of us were even surrounded by the notion that such pairings were, at best, doomed to fail, and at worst, condemned by God.

The reason I like this quote above from Saperstein, however, despite the baggage-laden term, is because it raises the notion that no matter how similar you think a pairing may be to one another, they are far from being the same. No two mates are, objectively, alike. We each come from different families, think and feel from different perspectives, and occupy perfectly unique bodies.

Plus, in my experience, it is not our similarities that make for successful marriages—it’s learning to love the differences between us.

“The beginning of worthwhile living is the confrontation with ourselves.” (Henry Emerson Fosdick)

You could think of life as a journey, a flight through the wild world “out there” and up the ladder of success. Making a difference or leading a life of purpose means achieving something external — some great humanitarian effort, or creating a successful business, or doing something philanthropic for the world “out there”.

Truly great people use this metaphor of a journey, too, but they don’t focus on “out there” as much as they focus on “in here” — they know the real drama involves their internal lives.

Mature people believe in the power of self-confrontation. They assume that everyone (including themselves) is a mixed bag, full of goodness and badness, amazingly endowed and deeply flawed. They know that we all have talents and weaknesses, and, if we fail to struggle against the weaknesses within, we may ruin some vital piece of ourselves. We won’t do as much good as we want because we won’t be as good as we can.

Before you climb that ladder and do good “out there”, make sure you know what it means to be good “in here”.

“It is dangerous to confuse children with angels.” (David Fyfe)

“Oh, she’s such a little angel,” we might say when she’s 18 mos. We mean well, ‘cause we’ve been conditioned to praise good behavior whenever we see it. We think we can shape the future by labeling the present.

But then the truth always rears its pretty head: no one is ever always anything. No one is ever always smart. No is ever always stubborn. No one is ever always pretty, or diligent, or kind, or…an angel.

So, when your little angel turns two, and begins to act more human…does that mean she’s now a fallen angel? Like a devil?

You gave her a name; she doesn’t need a descriptive label as well.