“We can be knowledgable with other men’s knowledge, but we can’t be wise with other men’s wisdom.” (Montaigne)

A teacher can share his intelligence with you. You can attend school or read books to accumulate a vast body of knowledge. The internet gives us access to more information than we ever thought possible.

Wisdom, however, is another thing altogether. Wisdom is skillful living. Wisdom is knowledge applied to real world situations. And wisdom is gained through personal, practical experience — which is something you must gain for yourself.

And so must our children. And our spouses. And our co-workers. No one can be wise with your wisdom. They must attain their own. So, let them. Share your knowledge with them; let them get wisdom for themselves. Then no one can ever take it from them.

“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” (Robert C. Dodds)

“Thoughtful” is a term that we commonly misuse. Whenever someone does something kind, we often describe such a gesture as “so thoughtful.”

Such a usage limits the power of the term, however. Instead of just meaning “kind,” we should employ the term to describe our overall approach. I want to be thought-full, for instance, whenever I engage in conversation with my wife, whether that means complimenting her or confronting her. And I definitely want her to do the same.

This is especially true when we disagree, which is fairly often. If such disagreement occurs between two thought-filled people, then that usually means that both sides have a valuable contribution to add.

If we’re always thinking alike, however, that usually means one of us is not being very thoughtful at all.

“Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly both partners might find more ‘suitable’ mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.” (J. R. R. Tolkien, Letter to Michael Tolkien, March 1941)

In my experience as a marriage therapist, I have seen few faulty ideas die harder than that of the “soulmate”. You know, the idea that God, or the Universe, or the Fates have selected that one special person just for you. Your job, and, therefore, the real hard work of marriage, is finding that person.

Those of us with some marital experience and wisdom usually laugh off this notion eventually, but it is an idea embedded within our culture. Every romantic movie is about the difficulty of finding someone—and thus portrays the wedding at the end of the movie as the end of the journey. “Ahh, we have finally found each other! Now the hard work is over! The relaxing can begin!”

Even among the already married, and even among the educated, I still find this idea at play. It creeps in like a lying serpent, whispering to us “It’s not you, it’s not even your spouse—you’re just a bad match. You were never supposed to be together in the first place. There is another out there, and with that one it’ll be so much easier…”

But as my guru Rabbi Edwin Friedman always said, the grass is always greener when you’re not tending to your own lawn. Allow your current marriage to do its work on you—it is asking you to love the real person in front of you, rather than the fantasy person who doesn’t exist.

“When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death – ourselves.” (Eda J. Le Shan)

Now that my daughter is 18, I find myself talking less about the dangers of careless sex, and more about the dangers of careless romance. There are so many complicated emotional motives for “mating” with one person exclusively, I want her to at least have a thought or two about those feelings.

For instance, neediness. If a guy tells her he needs her and cannot live without her, I want her to say, “Well, it’s a good thing my father’s a therapist, so that we can get you the help you need.” That type of neediness is not romantic, it’s diagnosable.

Same thing with loneliness. If a guy’s motivation is how lonely he feels without my daughter, then that means he doesn’t wanna shower her with love—he wants her to stop up his drain. Again, that’s not romantic, that’s a condition that needs treatment.

Needy, lonely people have not learned to be one with themselves—how can they possibly be one with someone else?

“We have an almost unlimited ability to ignore our ignorance.” (Daniel Kahneman)

Maturity requires an awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you do know may be wrong — or at least twisted in one way or another. You have biases, ways of thinking that you inherited from parents, from teachers, from the time and place in which you live. The way you see the world is largely colored by the lenses through which you look. Mature and humble people know this.

That kind of humility is what leads to wisdom.

Wisdom is not a body of information to be learned. Wisdom comes by embracing your limitations, recognizing your biases, and rejecting overconfidence. Ultimately, wisdom means knowing what you don’t know and refusing to ignore your ignorance.

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” (Anne Lamott)

If we stopped to examine our definition of “perfect” we would see that it is often so unrealistic that it could never exist in one person. We want to be beautiful and intelligent. We want to be an amazing cook and a professional athlete. We want to be desired in every arena from the boardroom to the bedroom. What we really want, it turns out, is to edit together all the best bits of all the people we admire, roll them into one person, and then be that person.

Impossible.

Instead of aiming for perfection, aim for growth. Improvement is realistic. Giving yourself permission to be imperfect allows you to discover self-worth in the midst of your imperfections. It also makes you much easier to be around — which helps establish relationships with people who affirm and value you for who you are right now. All of which makes improvement much more likely to occur.

“It is as wrong to deny the possible as it is to deny the problem.” (Dr. Dennis Saleebey)

One of the saddest truths I know is that we are our own harshest critics. Even if we are merely agreeing with the expectations of others, being overly critical of ourselves contributes to our own shame. This never produces long-term progress.

In order to move forward and become the person you want so desperately to be, you must learn to respond to yourself with compassion and understanding. Our ability to be authentic with others is linked to our level of self-acceptance and our willingness to cut ourselves some slack when we fail to live up to our own expectations.

Recognize your strengths. Know that you are far more capable than you think you are. This won’t dismiss the pain or the seriousness of your struggles, but it will put those struggles into the proper perspective. Your problems exist alongside your talents, your hopes, and your potential.

“We ‘know’ celebrities but they don’t know us. These vicarious relationships create a new kind of loneliness — the loneliness of people whose relationships are with personae instead of persons.” (Dr. Mary Pipher)

Our culture is obsessed with celebrities, turning sports players and singers into heroes while dismissing quiet, ordinary, hardworking men and women. Often, we equate ordinary with boring. What’s worse, ordinary is becoming synonymous with meaningless.

The question we must ask ourselves is this: What are we willing to do and to sacrifice in order to attain “extraordinary” status? Young women frequent websites discussing the ways in which celebrities hide their eating disorders. Young men pump themselves full of steroids. Children are over-stressed from being over-scheduled. And for what?

True greatness, meaning, and purpose are often found in the everyday-ness of life — in the piano practice and in the meals prepared. The conversations around the dinner table and in the minivan — this is where real life occurs. Stop stalking celebrities; connect with those closest to you; find the meaning in the mundane.

“Success…seems to be connected with action. Successful men keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.” (Conrad Hilton)

If you were to apply a traffic sign to your life right now, what would it be? A stop sign? A yellow light? Caution arrows? Speed bump ahead?

Possibly. One other to consider is the rare, black & white “Keep Moving” sign. It only appears on right turns that have their own lane, and it’s a tough one to get used to. Our natural instincts always tell us to slow down or even stop at an intersection; it’s hard to turn ‘em off and keep plowing through a turn.

What it takes is trust. We have to trust that the roadmakers (and lawmakers) know what they’re doing. We have to trust that our continued motion is actually what’s best for the overall movement of those around us. Mostly, we have to trust ourselves, that we are indeed on the right path and we can indeed handle making this turn.

Of course, it’s a lot easier once you know you’re on the right path, and in the right lane.

“The afternoon of life must also have a significance of its own and cannot be merely a pitiful appendage to life’s morning.” (Carl Jung)

Old age catches most people by surprise. Very few of us actually feel our age. We are, rather, reminded of our age by others — often in some kind of comparison of ourselves with others. Once reminded, we become painfully aware that our bodies are not what they once were.

Still, this is hardly a good reason for self-pity or self-indulgence.

The challenge is to be true to each stage of life. Growing older has its purpose, and we must choose to either ignore that or realize it. Even in old age, one can choose hope — not hope to one day find the fountain of youth and attain immortality but hope that one can continue to grow and become more fully oneself as long as there is breath in the body.