“Maturity is both a static and a dynamic concept.” (Leo Buscaglia)

It’s generally understood that mature people have a strong sense of who they are, separate and apart from others. They understand their need for intimate relationships, but they are not dependent upon others to give them their identity.

In this way, maturity can be said to be a destination — a place at which we arrive sometime in our lives.

The challenge is for grown ups to remain constantly growing. To do this, we must realize that maturity is not merely a destination; it is also a process. In fact, the essence of maturity is not only understanding who we are but who we may yet become.

“The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Very few of us are ever actually taught how to live. We’re not taught what it means to be fully alive. There’s no curriculum for this.

If we do look to formal education for answers, we most often are given knowledge and facts, but these hardly suffice. We want meaning; we are given information.

The reality is if you want to really live, you must become self-motivated. You must be ready to risk, to look inside yourself, to look carefully at others, to practice a lot of trial and error. The job is yours. You must become your own mentor.

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mystery.” (Albert Einstein)

Turbulent times of uncertainty cause us to grasp for control. We amass fortunes. We climb corporate ladders. We collect degrees and titles. We do all of this in the hopes of conquering our fear of the unknown, anything to feel secure in ourselves and our place in the world

This is one reason why we admire wealthy and successful people. We believe that if we had what they have, their money, their power, their strength, we could finally relax. But, on the rare occasion when we do manage to get what they have, we end up disillusioned as we discover new anxieties and different doubts.

The only certainty we can rely upon is that life will always be a puzzle. To be fully human, then, we must become as welcoming of the new as we have been comfortable with the old. We must be as fearless of the uncertain as we were (falsely) secure in the planned.

“You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” (Brene Brown)

This is one of those statements that sounds strange at first. Then, it sounds like the deepest and most profound truth imaginable. Then it sounds crazy again.

Of course, you can use shame and humiliation to change people and their behavior. We see this all the time. In fact, it is often the pathway to very quick change. The problem is it the change that is brought about by shaming never lasts.

But there’s an even deeper problem with using shame in this way: it has the potential to do unspeakable damage to both the person doing the shaming and the person being shamed.

So, why do we continue doing it? Usually, it’s because we can’t think of a better way — which is rarely a good reason to continue doing something we know doesn’t bring lasting change and causes incredible amounts of damage.

We can do better. We must do better.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” (Dr. Seuss)

Too often, when faced with difficult situations, we think in extremes. We either shut down or blow up. That’s understandable, but it’s inexcusable.

We are much more powerful than that, and the people we love deserve better from us. When you’re pushed, you always have the choice as to how you’re going to act. When you’re slighted, you have to choice as to how you’ll respond. It’s not the easy way; it’s the better way.

So, give yourself a chance to choose by pushing the pause button instead of simply reacting. Choose to be choosey.

“When you wish to instruct, be brief; then men’s minds take in quickly what you say, learn its lesson, and retain it faithfully. Every word that is unnecessary only pours over the side of a brimming mind.” (Cicero)

There is one cardinal rule for public speaking: leave ’em wanting more. This may frustrate a few people, but it is far better to deal with a few participants’ lingering complaints than a whole audience’s longing for an exit.

Part of the need for this rule is due to our ever-shrinking attention spans; we don’t want to lose people to the ever-increasing distractions all around us. More importantly, however, we leave them this way because want to establish a lasting relationship with people, where they continue to seek us out for wisdom in the future.

The same could not be more true in our parenting, or any leadership role. In the few moments you actually have someone’s full attention, remember that less is more. Don’t drag on before you make your point. Don’t besiege your listener with unnecessary evidence. Don’t beat your point into a dead horse. Don’t… (get the picture?)

Above all, be brief. You might actually leave your child, or employee, wanting more from you.

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis’. One brush stroke stands for the word danger; the other for opportunity.” (John F. Kennedy)

Most of us have a relatively easy time spotting danger. We see danger in our marriages, for our children, at our jobs, with our finances. We are well aware of the dangers in our world.

It’s the other brush stroke that needs our attention more often than not. When we’re faced with a crisis, we can freak out, or we can welcome it as a chance to learn and grow our ScreamFree muscles. Our lives would be more joyful and peaceful if we could look at stressful times as opportunities.

So, the next time Suzie brings home an “F” or your boss throws you an unrealistic deadline, take a deep breath, smile a true smile, and be thankful for the chance to grow up a little.

“We must teach our children to dream with their eyes open.” (Harry Edwards)

Children are necessarily naïve. If they were born with the wisdom of experience, then their imaginations would never develop, and their sense of wonder would never awaken. It’s easy to sometimes get frustrated when our kids lose track of time, or neglect their household responsibilities, or both. But, instead of thinking their distract-ability needs to be stifled, let’s think of it in a different way: it’s their dreaming that needs to be steered.

When your boy seems taken away by a fascination with the unreal, ask him for the details. What impossible creation would he like to make real? When your girl gets caught daydreaming, get curious about where she went. What fantasy situation would she love to live out?

Let’s not be so quick to teach our kids responsibility by pounding away with messages about our life in the real world.

Dare them to dream up a better one.

“Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way. You become brave by performing brave actions.” (Aristotle)

We have the tendency to believe that, in order to behave a certain way, we must competent for the task at hand. The reality is facing the task without being certain of the outcome is what creates the strength required to complete the task at hand.

So, you want to be more courageous? You want to be calm and strong?

Ask some of the brave men and women who have served our nation, and they’ll tell you: Stop waiting for someone to make those wishes come true. Act the way you want to be, and you’ll find yourself being the way you want.

“She discovered with great delight that one does not love one’s children just because they are one’s children but because of the friendship formed while raising them.” (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

There’s a very common parenting axiom thrown around these days. In an effort to reverse the trend towards over-involvement in our kids’ lives, we parents will proudly proclaim that “Kids need us to be their parents, not their friends.”

I get the sentiment. Anyone who knows ScreamFree knows that we often decry the child-centered family. But too often this axiom comes across as a defiant extremism, unaware of the ramifications: “Be someone in authority over your kids, not someone in relationship with them.”

This is not an either/or situation. The first second you laid eyes on your kid you knew you would be in a love-filled relationship with this new person forever. The first time your eighteen-month-old demonstrated her ability to exert her will, you knew you would be in a leadership role with this new person that would test you like no other. All of that together equals parenting.

The truth is something closer to this: We can be parents to our kids and friends with them, but only in that order. Take care of the business stuff (scheduling, structure, consequences, expectations) with enough calm and clarity, and you’ll get to experience the personal connection we all crave.