“To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.” (George Orwell)

Yes, we are concerned for the future. It is wise and prudent to plan ahead, to save for things in the future, to know where we want to go and how we want to get there.

And, yes, we are concerned with our past. We have made mistakes, and we have do not wish to repeat the,. It is wise and prudent to examine our tendencies in order to grow and become better people.

But we dare not allow these concerns to overshadow the face that we live in the present. This moment is really all that we have, and, far too often, we overlook what is directly in front of us by focusing too much on the future or the past.

Seeing people right now is a struggle, but it is one that is truly worthwhile.

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” (Sir Winston Churchill)

You don’t have to be Neville Chamberlain (the failed British Prime Minister who tried to appease Hitler) for this Churchill quote to apply to you. Nor do I. All we have to do make the mistake of thinking that if we give in to aggressive behavior it will eventually cease.

“If I just give the kid what he wants, he’ll stop whining.”

“If my feet don’t break these eggshells, she won’t get upset.”

“If I work hard enough to turn in the work perfectly every time, my boss won’t embarrass me again.”

Of course these tactics never work, and here’s why: passively trying to control another’s behavior by appeasing them is just as manipulative as aggressively trying to get what you want. Both are efforts at controlling another person. Doing it the passive way is actually worse, however, because when we’re passive we think we’re the more righteous person. And we love to complain about the aggressor to others, because we believe they’ll think we’re righteous as well.

If we actually want to change a pattern, we have to stop trying to change anyone else’s part of that pattern, and non-reactively change our own:

“No, I will not change my mind about the candy (or the curfew); you chose not to do your chores and this is the consequence.”

“I hate that you’re having a bad day, honey. Would you like to talk about it? Or do you just need some space for a while?”

“I thank you for your feedback, sir, it does actually help me improve. Next time I finish a project, I would like to set a private meeting with you to go over it.”

 Who knows? Standing up while staying cool might even stop the next Hitler.

“If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair. ” (Samuel Johnson)

Right before you taxi down the runway, flight attendants share a simple message with you. In the case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling compartment. You know what they’re going to say next, right?

“Please make sure your own oxygen mask is firmly in place before attempting to help others.”

If you pass out, you cannot help others. In fact, if you pass out, you become a liability — someone others have to take care of.

“If you would persuade, you must appeal to interest rather than intellect.” (Benjamin Franklin)

We all like to say we make our decisions based on the facts. We carefully consider our options intellectually and choose based on objective reason. Or so we say.

The truth is, self-interest almost always plays a much bigger role in our decisions on some level or another. Even charitable acts have some level of self-interest tied to them. So why not tap into this truth when it comes to our relationships with others? I’m not talking about bribery; I’m talking about honesty.

Why should your kids do their homework? Because you told them to?

Why should your employees show up on time? Because they don’t want to disappoint you?

Why should your spouse do their share of the housework? Because they’re supposed to?

Helping people see how doing the right thing will ultimately benefit them helps them learn intrinsic motivation — which will serve them much better in the long run than demanding blind obedience.

“Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire. ” (Arab Proverb)

“Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. ” (Mahatma Gandhi)

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability…. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”(Madeleine L’Engle)

“A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.” (Dutch Proverb)

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” (Yogi Berra)

Parenting requires constant decision making. For some reason, this kind of decisiveness often feels like a burden to people who are wishing to change. They worry that they will make a wrong choice and end up even worse than before. Here’s the scoop – if you lean more on your principles than you do on your feelings or your anxiety, whichever fork you take in the road will be just right.

“I expected too much of youth. I measured you by the yardstick of my years.” (W. Livingston Larned)

This is a quote from one of the most famous essays of all time. I found it in Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People. The essay is in the form of a letter written from a father to his small son. It’s an apology, really. One that I’m pretty sure all of us can relate to.

Sure, we can have expectations of our children, but every now and again, we should take a close look to see what those are and why they are important. Are we more focused on their behavior or their character? Do we criticize them for making mistakes or do we walk alongside them, encouraging them through those mistakes? Do we enjoy their youth or do we try to push them through it? Today, follow Carnegie’s number one principle: “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain” when it comes to your children.