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Live Right Now

Hal photo outside Feb2012“To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.” (George Orwell)

Yes, we are concerned for the future. It is wise and prudent to plan ahead, to save for things in the future, to know where we want to go and how we want to get there.

And, yes, we are concerned with our past. We have made mistakes, and we have do not wish to repeat the,. It is wise and prudent to examine our tendencies in order to grow and become better people.

But we dare not allow these concerns to overshadow the face that we live in the present. This moment is really all that we have, and, far too often, we overlook what is directly in front of us by focusing too much on the future or the past.

Seeing people right now is a struggle, but it is one that is truly worthwhile.

Give in or Stand Up?

Hal photo outside Feb2012“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” (Sir Winston Churchill)

You don’t have to be Neville Chamberlain (the failed British Prime Minister who tried to appease Hitler) for this Churchill quote to apply to you. Nor do I. All we have to do make the mistake of thinking that if we give in to aggressive behavior it will eventually cease.

If I just give the kid what he wants, he’ll stop whining.”

If my feet don’t break these eggshells, she won’t get upset.”

If I work hard enough to turn in the work perfectly every time, my boss won’t embarrass me again.”

Of course these tactics never work, and here’s why: passively trying to control another’s behavior by appeasing them is just as manipulative as aggressively trying to get what you want. Both are efforts at controlling another person. Doing it the passive way is actually worse, however, because when we’re passive we think we’re the more righteous person. And we love to complain about the aggressor to others, because we believe they’ll think we’re righteous as well.

If we actually want to change a pattern, we have to stop trying to change anyone else’s part of that pattern, and non-reactively change our own:

“No, I will not change my mind about the candy (or the curfew); you chose not to do your chores and this is the consequence.”

I hate that you’re having a bad day, honey. Would you like to talk about it? Or do you just need some space for a while?”

I thank you for your feedback, sir, it does actually help me improve. Next time I finish a project, I would like to set a private meeting with you to go over it.”

 Who knows? Standing up while staying cool might even stop the next Hitler.

Breathe

Hal photo outside Feb2012“If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair. ” (Samuel Johnson)

Right before you taxi down the runway, flight attendants share a simple message with you. In the case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling compartment. You know what they’re going to say next, right?

“Please make sure your own oxygen mask is firmly in place before attempting to help others.”

If you pass out, you cannot help others. In fact, if you pass out, you become a liability — someone others have to take care of.

This isn’t just true on airplanes. You must take care of yourself and your own needs in order to be the best parent, spouse, co-worker, or boss you can be. Getting lost in the day-to-day chaos and ignoring the outlets that once brought you so much life won’t help anyone. It only leaves you ragged, resentful, and restless — which means others will end up having to take care of you.
So today put on your own oxygen mask first. Call a few friends and make time to reconnect. You’ll feel recharged, revitalized, and ready to tackle whatever life brings your way.

 

Persuasive People

Hal photo outside Feb2012“If you would persuade, you must appeal to interest rather than intellect.” (Benjamin Franklin)

We all like to say we make our decisions based on the facts. We carefully consider our options intellectually and choose based on objective reason. Or so we say.

The truth is, self-interest almost always plays a much bigger role in our decisions on some level or another. Even charitable acts have some level of self-interest tied to them. So why not tap into this truth when it comes to our relationships with others? I’m not talking about bribery; I’m talking about honesty.

Why should your kids do their homework? Because you told them to?

Why should your employees show up on time? Because they don’t want to disappoint you?

Why should your spouse do their share of the housework? Because they’re supposed to?

Helping people see how doing the right thing will ultimately benefit them helps them learn intrinsic motivation — which will serve them much better in the long run than demanding blind obedience.

When There’s a Will…

Hal photo outside Feb2012“Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire. ” (Arab Proverb)

“How-to” books are very popular. You can find one for practically any human activity. In order to get this outcome, do these steps. Simple formula.
But the truth is, the best “how-to” books can only help if you have enough “why-to.” With enough motivation, almost anyone can do almost anything. Without it, even the clearest step-by-step instructions are hollow and empty.
That’s why our ScreamFree books are filled with principles that illustrate the inestimable value of staying calm and connected, and stories that stoke the fires of your deepest motivation to do so. Yes, there are practical steps included, but what matters most is not “how-to.” What matters most, in the heat of the moment, is how much you want to. Your ability to be cool will equally match your desire to be cool.
Even when you don’t feel you’re up to it. Even when all those around you seem to be against you, pushing all the buttons that normally set you off, or send your running. When you make something your number one priority, you’ll be amazed at how resourceful you become.
So, ask yourself: what do you want most?

I Beg to Differ

Hal photo outside Feb2012Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress” (Mahatma Gandhi)

I’m convinced that despite what people say, pretty much everyone loves conflict. If not on the sports field, then we enjoy it on TV. Or in the political arena. See, we all love conflict, as long as it’s happening to other people. When it comes to engaging in conflict ourselves, most of us try to avoid it like the plague. This is because, to most, conflict means drama, hurt feelings, and damaged relationships.
But that only describes conflict done poorly. Most of us try to avoid conflict because we were never shown or taught how to do it well. Our parents were told to never argue in front of us, and thus we never got to see adults speaking openly and calmly in honest disagreement. We never got to see them work together toward a solution that benefits both parties. And, for a lot of us, we never will, ever since these non-fighting parents of ours announced they were getting a divorce.
Here’s the truth: Conflict is good. Conflict works. It is the only way different people can ever A) get to really know one another, B) start to really trust one another, and C) learn from each other. It may be uncomfortable. It may test you and your ability to stay “screamfree,” but, just as resistance builds muscle, conflict builds relationships.
So go ahead and fight. Speak your mind in disagreement. Respond to that perceived slight with a follow-up question. Seek clarity from the other person. Calm down, grow up, and get closer by representing exactly what you believe and how you feel. And then champion your “opponent” to do the same. Welcome their feedback, stay cool as you reflect upon it, and then give your own.

We Can Hide, or We Can Heal

Hal photo outside Feb2012“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability…. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”(Madeleine L’Engle)

Somewhere, somehow, we men were taught that vulnerability automatically means weakness. Perhaps we got it from war movies, where opponents search for each other’s “vulnerabilities.” Or maybe it was from sports, where commentators remarked about a teams’ weakness and called it “where they are most vulnerable.” Such uses of the term are not necessarily wrong. But when we combine it with guy talk, which chastises anything weak, and the last thing we want to be is “vulnerable.”
Of course, shielding yourself from opponents also shields yourself from friends. From family. From lovers. No one can hurt me if I never expose myself. No one can touch me, either, though.
What the world longs to see, what we have always found most attractive, is that rare combination of vulnerability and strength. Someone bold enough to put himself out there, open to risk and ridicule. This is the entrepreneur with a crazy idea. This is one man asking another to hold him accountable about his drinking. This is the husband, upon entering the house from a long commute home, calmly shunning his small kids for a minute so he can walk straight up to his wife, gently put her face in his hands, and then announce, “I’ve been thinking about this moment all day.” Then he proceeds to kiss her for a full ten seconds.
We can hide, or we can heal, gentlemen. What’ll it be?

Smart or Wise?

Hal photo outside Feb2012“A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.” (Dutch Proverb)

There are many lies that rule the world, but the lie of “knowledge” is among the most insidious of all. You know the one—that if we only knew better, we would do better. So, we emphasize knowledge. We seek after know-how. We worship scientific research that eliminates any and all uncertainty.
If only that automatically made us better decision-makers, or better people. But, of course, it doesn’t. We still don’t drink enough water, or get enough sleep, even though we “know” better. We still complain too much, and gossip too much, even though we “know” better.
Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely believe in the power of education. I just don’t believe in pursuing knowledge over wisdom. Think about it: would you rather your child be “smart” or would you rather your child be “wise”? What about yourself? Knowledge is just about knowing, but wisdom is about knowing, being, and doing. It’s about educating not just our brains, but our hearts and souls as well.
So, why do we keep pursuing intelligence instead? Because wisdom takes patience. Wisdom takes experience. It takes practice. Wisdom comes from making decisions, then living with and learning from the consequences. Unfortunately, traditional education emphasizes quick retention of facts, and we parents emphasize homework and obedience.
Is that wise?

Fork it Over

Hal photo outside Feb2012“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” (Yogi Berra)

Parenting requires constant decision making. For some reason, this kind of decisiveness often feels like a burden to people who are wishing to change. They worry that they will make a wrong choice and end up even worse than before. Here’s the scoop – if you lean more on your principles than you do on your feelings or your anxiety, whichever fork you take in the road will be just right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Father Forgets

Hal photo outside Feb2012“I expected too much of youth. I measured you by the yardstick of my years.” (W. Livingston Larned)

This is a quote from one of the most famous essays of all time. I found it in Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People. The essay is in the form of a letter written from a father to his small son. It’s an apology, really. One that I’m pretty sure all of us can relate to.

Sure, we can have expectations of our children, but every now and again, we should take a close look to see what those are and why they are important. Are we more focused on their behavior or their character? Do we criticize them for making mistakes or do we walk alongside them, encouraging them through those mistakes? Do we enjoy their youth or do we try to push them through it? Today, follow Carnegie’s number one principle: “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain” when it comes to your children.