“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow-blower, or vacuum cleaner.” (Ben Bergor)

Can I get an Amen? Isn’t it amazing that kids can create power point presentations about their Christmas lists and figure out how to fix your ipod without even blinking, yet they will spend a full 15 minutes complaining about how hard it is to vacuum the living room? It is natural, though, I suppose. I would much rather spend time reorganizing my “guilty pleasures disco hits” selection than clean a toilet, but, life stinks that way (pun completely intended). My good friend John Alan Turner once said that there should be a sliding scale of freedom and responsibility when it comes to kids. As they grow, they should be given more of each, in proportion to one another. If they are given too much freedom without responsibility, they become spoiled. If given too much responsibility without freedom, they are rebels waiting to happen.

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship.” (Louisa May Alcott)

Storms happen. That’s just the way life works. You don’t work on yourself to become ScreamFree so that your life can be free of struggle. That kind of life just doesn’t exist. You work hard on yourself so that you can sail your own ship. So that you can navigate the rough seas with grace and dexterity and without an ounce of fear.

And like Miss Alcott, you mustn’t wait until you’ve mastered the art of yourself before you begin. No. You are learning and that in and of itself is enough – you can face those tantrums, mood swings, sleepless nights – free from fear. And the more often you do it, the better you’ll get at it.

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” (Phyllis Diller)

Model homes are beautiful, but sterile. There’s no personality there. There’s just no way the job gets done. until you stop having troops march their way through your kitchen every day. Trying to make your house perfectly clean all the time is a fruitless activity, and one that will likely lead to resentment and frustration. At the same time, living in filth and chaos tends to weigh everyone in the family down. So, teach your kids how to be responsible for their own things instead of being their full time maid by giving them a deadline and some clear cut consequences. Then relax and let go of all that baggage you’re carrying around about what your house “should” look like. A home filled with laughter and wonder beats a museum-like atmosphere any day of the week.and maybe every now and again, you could rent an industrial strength snow plow.

“Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” (Thomas Jefferson)

Not only did Jefferson give us the Declaration of Independence and the Louisiana Purchase, but he gave us a model of leadership that we would all benefit from adopting.

Deep down, we all know that panic and anxiety do nothing but undercut authority in any relationship. Think about it: Which boss would you rather work for? One who flips out at the first sign of trouble? Or one who calmly analyzes the situation and confidently plots the best course of action? Face it. We simply don’t respect people who act out of their fear. We may respond to them, but we do so reluctantly and without joy. Our kids aren’t any different.

Parenting is unpredictable. No matter how much you may want to, you cannot possibly plan for every scenario or circumstance. What you can do is prepare yourself. Focus on keeping your own fears and worries in perspective so that in times of crisis, they don’t run the show. When you have enough control over yourself to remain cool and unruffled, no matter what comes your way, you can tap into solutions which come from your principles rather than your panic. And that, like Jefferson says, gives you the greatest advantage in life that there is.

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” (Frank A. Clark)

In parenting, a good sense of humor is a must. There are going to be times when all you really can do is laugh. There’s a scene in the movie Parenthood that comes to mind. Steve Martin’s character is attending his preschool aged daughter’s play, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. At one point on stage, his daughter’s character, Dopey, is being mocked by another dwarf and Martin’s youngest son takes it upon himself to charge the stage and protect his big sister, knocking down homemade sets in the process. As you can imagine, chaos ensues and most of the parents are up in arms at this display. One mother shouts with outrage, “He’s ruining the play!” You see the father absorb all of that tension for a brief moment and then erupt in a classic Steve Martin grin as he decides to see the scene for the hilarity that it provides.  If we could simply learn to find the humor inherent in our daily parenting, life would be a whole lot more enjoyable. Remember, just because parenting is serious business doesn’t mean that you can’t laugh at yourself every now and again.

“We know what we are, but not what we may be.” (William Shakespeare)

This line is worth looking at from two different angles. First, from our own: Just because you came from a family of screamers, doesn’t mean that you are destined to become one yourself. Just because you struggle now with confidence in your parenting decisions, doesn’t mean that you always will. Don’t condemn your future self with all sorts of negative talk and self-doubt. Pardon the cheesy pun, but you are a human becoming. You aren’t done yet, so don’t go around thinking that you are. Instead of getting caught in an imaginary rut, keep working hard to take the steps you need to in order to become the person you WANT to be.

Now, as for the second angle – this same line of thinking is true for your children. Just because your son has a hard time with his chores now doesn’t mean that he’ll grow up to be irresponsible and lazy. Just because your daughter isn’t gregarious at parties doesn’t mean that she’s doomed to spend her adult years friendless. You may think that you know what your child is like, but remember that they too are human becomings and the more you can allow for amazing possibilities, the more likely that you’ll find them.

“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” (Seneca)

Muscles grow when they are forced to work. We know that fact, as evidenced by the number of gym memberships in this country. The same principle holds true for our minds and the minds of our children. By shielding your child from difficulty, whether it be in the classroom, playground, or the home, you are actually handicapping their chances to grow. The next time you think of the phrase “no pain, no gain”, don’t just think of leg warmers and spin classes, think about your child and the way in which they develop. Real growth is tough. It’s messy. It hurts. It takes trial and error. When you see your child struggling with something, take a deep breath and realize what is really going on. Your child is being presented with a chance to grow stronger. Don’t deprive them of that great opportunity just because you can’t handle your own anxiety.

“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” (Chinese proverb)

The first step of lasting growth is to change your thinking about growth itself. Making small changes and being gentle with yourself in the process is your best bet to achieving the kind of difference you’re hoping to make. “Instant results” whether on the scale or in your home will only land you back where you don’t want to be – so think like a bamboo stalk. For the first two years after it is planted, no matter how much the gardener wants it to spread – and no matter how much care he gives it – the stalk will remain about the same. On the surface, nothing is really happening, but underground, the plant is developing shoots that will soon surface and spread like crazy. Once these shoots emerge, they have been clocked to grow up to 47” in a 24 hour period.

When it comes to making any sort of lasting change, slower is oftentimes better. If you have overeaten and not exercised for 10 years, you cannot expect to change your habits and undo the damage in a couple of workouts. The same is true for parenting. If you are reversing not only years, but maybe decades of reactionary child rearing – going back to the way that you were raised – you have to be patient with yourself. Keep on keepin’ on and you’ll be amazed at where you end up.

“When they were very small I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I’d done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.” (Anna Quindlen)

Our children are amazing creatures. From the moment they enter into this world, they have a mind of their own. Sometimes, because they start out so dependent upon us, we forget that they do.  At other times, they demand that we remember. We do them an injustice when we attempt to dictate every little thing in their lives until they are adults because then they don’t have the chance to really figure out who they are separate and apart from us. So, make it a point to treat your son or daughter as a person in their own right no matter how old they are now because some of the most wonderful moments in parenting come when you give your kids room to breathe and grow. They will surprise you, guaranteed.

“If your children look up to you, you’ve made a success of life’s biggest job.” (Author unknown)

We all want our children to respect us. The difficulty is this: you can’t MAKE someone feel respect towards you. In fact, the more you try to force that respect, the smaller you become in their eyes. And it’s awfully hard to look up to small people.

So, think of this. Who do you look up to and why? I’ll bet that they are people who treated you with respect and through their actions and their integrity earned yours in return. A quiet calm in all of your actions will draw your children towards you and will enable you to access the best parts of yourself. Who won’t respect that?