“Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.” (Marcelene Cox)

When people tell me that they have a “strong-willed” child, I tell them, “Welcome to the club – and congratulations!” Children with strong wills are nothing to be worried about; in fact, they should be celebrated. We should all be trying to raise children who have strong wills and desires. Don’t you want your 14 year old to have a strong enough will to resist drugs when his friends pressure him? Of course you do. But this doesn’t mean that you should always let your child have his way; that would be abusive. Set boundaries and at the same time, give your child some space to exert his will in appropriate ways so that he maintains that sense of self he naturally has. Celebrate the fact that your son is growing into a person who is confident and strong. If your son wants to wear a hot pink shirt paired with bright red shorts, what’s the harm in letting him? Maybe, just maybe, if you give your kids a little more say in the small things they can control in their lives, they won’t fight you so much on the bigger issues.

“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.” (Seneca)

We would all be in better shape if we could manage to remember the words of this wise philosopher. The next time you feel your blood beginning to boil, take a step away from the situation, breathe deeply, and wait just a minute before reacting.  By simply creating the space between stimulus (when your kids push your buttons) and response (when you   respond to them), you can find the creativity that lies within you. In this space, you can remember what it is that’s important to you. You can decide whether or not to take something personally. You can think of meaningful consequences and choices. You can respond through your principles and integrity rather than through your anger. So, do whatever it takes to stay calm in the heat of the moment and remember, the most important button on your emotional remote control is the one marked “pause”.

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. ”                  (Chinese proverb)

The only stupid questions are the ones we don’t ask. We weren’t given a manual when we left the hospitals with our babies, yet most of us feel inadequate when we need a little help with something involving our parenting. There will be times when we need help with an issue and the only foolish thing to do would be to not seek help.  The strongest leaders in business and in families are the ones who aren’t afraid to admit weakness and seek council in order to gain strength.

p.s. Why isn’t 11 pronounced “onety one”? – now THAT’s a stupid question.

“You are no bigger than the things that annoy you. ” (Jerry Bundsen)

Whenever I am tempted to think highly of myself, my parenting, or even my own growth, I think of this quote. It’s hard to put yourself on a pedestal when you find yourself extremely annoyed by your children, your spouse, or the woman in front of you in the grocery store line talking on her hands free cell phone instead of paying attention to the cashier. We all have our list of pet peeves. Bet you can probably think of a few right now, can’t you? If you’re anything like the rest of us, you’ve sometimes allowed these little annoyances to get in the way of a good conversation or a meaningful exchange with your children. The next time you find yourself gritting your teeth at something insignificant, let this quote sink in and have a good laugh at your own expense. Then, consider it a reminder that it’s time to stretch, because as long as there is even the smallest amount of pettiness in our lives, there is room for growth.

“The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself. ” (James Thurber)

Thurber alludes to a truth about human nature: It is easy to make fun of others, but it is more productive to make fun of yourself. I actually learned this lesson from my daughter not too long ago. She and Brandon were arguing in the other room and I was working very hard to let them settle things without my intervention. Brandon was trying to get Hannah to see his point and she was stubbornly refusing to do so. After about 5 minutes of not getting anywhere, he said with a sneer, “Hannah! How can you not see this? How stupid can you get?!?!” –As I jumped out of my seat to correct him and come to her defense, she replied with a knowing grin and a mischevious look in her eye, “I don’t think you want to test me, I can be pretty stupid.”

They both dissolved in a heap on the floor laughing both at her admission and at his blustering ways. Humor has the uncanny ability to diffuse tense situations – but be sure that the target of this humor is a safe one – yourself. There is tremendous value in having a sense of humor about your own parenting. I think that you’ll find that being able to laugh at yourself doesn’t make you seem foolish, it makes you seem real. Your children will learn more from you than you ever thought possible because you’ll be showing them firsthand how to roll with the punches and pick yourself up without beating yourself down. I promise you, your parenting efforts will be much more fun (and productive) if you can take humor little more seriously.

“Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. ” (Robert Gallagher)

There is something especially pernicious about bedtime issues. The kids are tired (although they sure as heck won’t admit to it), you’re tired (and you certainly have trouble hiding it), and like oil and water – these two things just don’t mix.

I think children are afraid that all of the good stuff in life happens after they go to sleep. They will pull out all the stops in order to squeeze out a few extra minutes. Before the bedtime announcement, a child can be as content as can be. Afterwards, they suddenly are in need of water, a snack, a book, more time for homework. They move in slow motion as they clean up (if they even do) and they find any excuse in the book to engage you in a conversation as to why they aren’t tired. It can be so aggravating.

But aren’t we much the same? How many times have you been on your way to bed only to be lured to the glow of the television or the hum of the refrigerator? How many times do you know that you need to get some sleep, but you remember an important email you forgot to send? Too often, we expect more from our children than we do from ourselves. And this leads us to treat them with disdain and disrespect. Recognize that they are not all that different from you. Their lego project is every bit as important as your sales proposal, so don’t spring bedtime on them and expect them to drop everything and run upstairs. Start the bedtime process way earlier than you think you need to (for both of you!) and that way you can actually enjoy yourself along the way to dreamland.

“If you want a baby, have a new one. Don’t baby the old one.” (Jessamyn West)

One of the ironies in life is that often, when we operate out of doubt and fear, we drive ourselves to the very outcomes we are seeking to avoid. A thirty year old baby isn’t cute by anyone’s standards, and when we baby our kids, we are well on our way to creating that very outcome. When we hold our children back from where they need to be, we are not doing them any favors. In fact, it is almost always for selfish reasons. Give your child (especially your youngest) things that he can be fully responsible for and then respect him enough to give him room to do them.

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”

(George Bernard Shaw)

Many parents find themselves petrified by possibilities. They know that the stakes are high in parenting and that the things they do and the decisions they make will have strong ramifications.  Understandably, they want to know exactly what to do in every possible situation so that they don’t mess up. Even if that were possible, it would make for a very heavy tool bag and a lifeless relationship. ScreamFree parenting is a freeing message because it rejects the notion of techniques and allows you to tap into your uniqueness and creativity instead. Do you want your kids to go through life being afraid to take chances, to follow what they believe? Certainly not. So, be an example to them in the very arena they see the most.  Know what you really believe, what you really want, and then make decisions accordingly.  If you approach any situation, no matter how volatile, with a calm and connected manner, you are well on your way to handling it well. And if you “mess up”, just view it as an opportunity to grow some more spine and handle it in the best way possible.  Acknowledge the mistake and keep on keepin’ on.

“A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.”

(Dorothy Canfield Fisher)

This concept is particularly difficult to grasp for many mothers out there. We have been told that our job is to protect our children from the menacing world of predators and PG13 movies. While protection is certainly a part of parenting, it should by no means be the goal of parenting. Our children come into this world fragile beings, to be sure. They are soft, naked, and totally dependent upon you. But they grow. They soon become capable of learning at an extraordinary rate. Be sure that you are teaching them what you really want them to learn. If you want to teach them that they are unable to make choices and decisions, then by all means, continue to shelter them. However, if you want to teach them to become strong, independent adults who don’t “need” you, but “want” you in their lives, begin stretching and molding them now. Chances are, your kids will rise to the challenge.

“You must not expect old heads upon young shoulders.” (English proverb)

Anytime we expect more than we should, we are setting ourselves up for failure. This is true in all things and parenting is no exception. When your kids are acting like kids, don’t be surprised. It’s their job. They are going to do stupid things like attaching a sister’s Barbie to a ceiling fan to “see how far she can fly when the rope snaps.” They will fight bedtime and green vegetables on principal alone. They will get upset and frightened over “silly” things like monsters and rainstorms. It’s our job to take all of that in stride and set boundaries and limitations that will benefit them anyway. Kids are kids and that’s how it should be. We shouldn’t be trying to stamp that infectious joy and curiosity out of them because we want them to be mature. That will come if and only if we show them what maturity looks like no matter what “childish” things they do.