“No, try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”
(Jedi Master Yoda)

Today’s Pause is another one from the Pause Platform’s newest online course, Choose Your Own Adulthood. You can read it below or click to watch a video excerpt from the Platform.

Give it a shot, but don’t get your hopes up. Go for it, but don’t expect it to work out. This has come to be the understanding behind any and every kind of “try.”

“Okay, I’ll try.”

“I will try to do better…”

You can easily hear the weak, half-hearted nature of such offerings. That’s because “trying” is something we do when we get reactive. Reacting to pressure from others, we offer faint efforts with no hope of succeeding, only appeasing. Reacting to pressure from within ourselves, we go all out with attempts that are all effort–but no strategy.

This was the case when I was 17 or so, and I desperately wanted to dunk a basketball. I was only 5’11” or so, but I did have some hops for a skinny white boy. But I couldn’t quite get high enough, no matter how hard, or how many times, I tried.

Then I encountered some new wisdom, from an older classmate: “Dude, you’re close–all you have to do is start doing a bunch of calf raises for a while, and you’ll get there.”

In order to accomplish something I couldn’t, I needed to start doing something I could. I needed to stop reacting to my failure, and start responding instead–with a strategy. In short, I needed to train more, and try less. And that’s what I did. I stopped trying to dunk for a while, and I started doing a hundred calf raises at the top of the stairs every night before bed. A couple of months later, I was consistently dunking…a tennis ball. Occasionally I would try to slam something bigger, and when I failed I would go back to training. More calf-raises.

That’s all training is–doing something you can do now, in order to eventually accomplish something you can’t do now. Training is strategic that way.

What most folks fail to realize is how this choice affects so many more aspects of life than just sports, or school. It also applies to our relationships as well. Especially in romance. I’m not suggesting an aspiring Romeo should say, “I’ll train myself to love you.” That’s not a very romantic thing to say. But it is a romantic thing to do. See, trying to be a good husband, or wife, or parent, or friend will simply not cut it. Not when life gets messy and difficult and well, trying. Our closest relationships require so much maturity, flexibility, and integrity that trying to be good at them is not enough.

Whenever people find out that I, the licensed therapist and so-called relationship expert, still see my own counselor every week, they are usually surprised. “Surely you don’t need therapy–you’re the expert!” My response is usually something like this: “Jordan Spieth has a swing coach. LeBron James has both a footwork and a shooting coach. They don’t just try to be excellent; they train to be that way. If I want to have excellent relationships, why wouldn’t I train as well?”

Peace begins with pause,

“It is only the man that delays his gratification that is a man indeed.”
(Sunday Adelaja)

Yesterday we talked about the High School and College Editions of our new online course on the Pause Platform, Choose Your Own Adulthood. It launched yesterday, and I am so excited about what I believe it can do for your teens and young adults!

As I mentioned, it began as a series of letters to my daughter, Hannah, about the tough, nuanced choices of adulthood. This first one could not be more important:

Pursue More of What You Want Most, and Less of What You Want Right Now.

Far too often we abandon something we want most for whatever it is we want right now. For instance, college students want to make a good grade on each of their finals, and eventually get a degree. Far too often, they are tempted to neglect those studies for the party that night.

Of course, we all face this choice every day. For instance, I want a lower-stress tax experience next month, but I want to do anything other than start arranging my paperwork this weekend. You can relate to this as well: You want a healthier body, but you want to skip the gym today. You want a better relationship with your spouse, but you’d rather not talk about it tonight.

Life simply goes better, however, whenever we can resist the temptations of the quick & easy, and choose the things we want most instead.

Peace begins with pause,

“It is our choices…that show us who we really are,
far more than our abilities.”
(J.K. Rowling)

The greatest adventure in life is the transition into adulthood. Nothing compares to the newfound freedoms, possibilities, and responsibilities that come with life on your own. As my daughter began that journey several years ago, I was smartly advised by some friends to start writing occasional letters to her as her high school life was ending, and her college life approaching.

Well, I took this WAY too seriously, and what started as some letters turned into an Amazon bestselling book. And now, I’m proud to announce it has become our latest offering on the Pause Platform. Choose Your Own Adulthood is available in both High School and College Editions, with a Young Adults in the Workplace version coming soon.

The courses are made up of 16 different choices that define what our adult lives will become. These are not the clearcut right vs. wrong choices we all know about, but rather the do more of this, do less of that variety. Respond More, React Less, for instance. Or Create More, Critique Less. Another fun one is Choose More of What You Want Most, and Less of What You Want Right Now.

These choices are the exact lessons I wanted my daughter to take with her as she began to launch, and I could not be more excited to launch these lessons to you guys, our Daily Pausers, and to the rest of the world.

Look for more details in an email later today. Or go directly to The Pause Platform and click on the High School or College Edition to read more. For the rest of this week, we’ll be devoting our Daily Pauses to some of the choices in the program, encouraging you to help your students create the life they want most.

Peace begins with pause,

“Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom, indeed they create our courage and wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow. It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread, but actually welcome problems.”
(M. Scott Peck)

It’s definitely our animal instinct to avoid problems like the plague. But we’re not merely animals.

We humans have the ridiculous capacity to quiet our instincts and pursue something greater. We can see problems, roadblocks, resistance, and even opponents, as necessary ingredients in our recipe for a successful life.

So, what problem is consistently asking for your attention? What would it take to welcome it as a guest, allowing it to summon the best out of you?

How have you felt as you’ve tried to avoid it? How will you feel when you’ve handled it, put it behind you, and learned from it?

Peace begins with pause,

“Our numbers-driven society perpetuates a pressure on our kids to perform. High-stakes testing has taken the place of meaningful teaching and learning. College rankings and endowments are also predicated on numbers…All of which adds up to an education system focused on competition, performance and rankings.”
(Vicki H. Abeles)

The world has always been involved in some kind of collective insanity, but one kind seems to be gripping us all: the pressure to get into the “right” college.

I’ve counseled several New York families who were driven by this pressure, and their kids were just entering preschool. I’ve counseled numerous “high-achieving” families, finding themselves somewhat shocked by their child struggling with substance abuse, eating disorders, or even suicidal thoughts.

Just last week, my 12th-grade teaching wife counseled multiple kids suffering from panic attacks while facing a week of 5 major exams.

This is insane. If you haven’t watched the critically-acclaimed documentary Race to Nowhere, I urge you to take a look. It powerfully highlights this insanity, and the toll it’s taking on our teenagers, who are increasingly improving their math minds while increasingly endangering their mental health. It also highlights why millennials are swimming in college loan debt, accumulated primarily in pursuit of their dream school when “lesser,” cheaper schools were available.

Look, I get it. I have a 21yo daughter in college, and an 18yo trying this month to decide where he wants to go to school next year. There’s a million forces pushing them toward this craziness, and unfortunately their mom & dad have echoed these pressures a time or two. But we have tried, and are trying, to emphasize one truth:

If you’re going to college, the most important name on your college degree is not the school’s; it’s yours.

Peace begins with pause,

A haiku for those of us who tend to get really opinionated (and loud about it):

A really wide mouth
Can often go hand-in-hand
With a narrow mind.

Now, before you go and apply this to anyone else, remember: we Daily Pausers pluck out our own planks before pointing out anyone else’s speck. (I think someone famous said something about that once.)

Peace begins with pause,

In order to build our kid’s self-esteem, many of us have tried to praise them toward better performance.

In order to protect our kids’ self-esteem, many of us have tried to shield them away from any failed performances.

These have all been well-intentioned efforts, and I don’t want any of us to feel ashamed by what I’m about to say:

Kids feel better about themselves when they accomplish things by themselves.

Whether it’s building their first Lego house, jumping over a log, or pooping on the potty like a big boy, kids love to feel accomplished and self-sufficient. This is why 4yo Stewart on MadTV was always saying “lemme do it!” and “look what I can do!”

This is also why saying “no” to their parents feels so good as well. That word, along with their small solo achievements, represent their burgeoning self-respect, which is what actually precedes self-esteem.

By all means, praise your kids’ efforts, and protect them from life’s worst dangers, but if you want them to truly feel confident about themselves in this world, also promise them that you will provide them every opportunity to accomplish more and more on their own.

Peace begins with pause,

“You’re worried about what-ifs. Well, what if you stopped worrying?”
(Shannon Celebi)

“What if my son hadn’t tried drugs?” But he did.

“What if my wife had more respect for me?” But she doesn’t.

“What if my boss didn’t freak out so much?” But he does.

These answers may sound defeatist at first, but hear me out. By accepting these difficulties as reality, you can start to address them with action rather than spending your time wrestling with pointless “what ifs”. Today, stop projecting, worrying, and fearing. They just aren’t helpful, and they actually keep you stuck.

Instead, focus on your part of the situation and what you can change. It’s the only way forward.

Peace begins with pause,

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.”
(Robert Fulghum)

Recently I was on a TV talk show, and the conversation led everyone to start singing “I believe the children are our future…” in their best Whitney Houston voices. I did not join in, which made me look kinda lame, but all I could think of was Randy Watson’s rendition; I almost yelled out “Sexual Chocolate!” and walked off the set.

Perhaps the real reason I didn’t join in is because I cannot stand that song. Aesthetics aside, I do not want to believe that children are our future. I believe adults are our future.

If we’re going to solve today’s problems and build a better tomorrow, we’ll need more and more adults in the world.
This means we need to stop “raising kids” and start raising amazing adults. This means we need stop managing our kids’ behavior and start teaching them to manage their own.

Ultimately, this means we need to take our own adulthood seriously enough that we’re not afraid of our kids growing up as apprenticing adults, studying underneath us as the models they need.  And next week, we’re going to give you a way to help them do just that. Stay tuned.

Peace begins with pause,

The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.
(Robert C. Dodds)

When it comes to such critical areas as parenting, finances, or how to deal with extended families, we are all tempted to believe a very damaging lie: If we are to be truly “one,” then we cannot be divided by disagreement.

This is simply not true.

This lie comes in many forms, and it is said in many ways:
* “The kids need to see a united front.”
* “But we’ve always done it this way…why change now?”
* “Okay, fine, you win. I just don’t want to argue about it anymore.”

Lifelong partnership is not about uniformity, it is not about building consensus, and it is definitely not about compromising in order to agree and keep the peace. The only way you and your significant other will get to experience all your relationship has to offer is if you boldly, and beautifully, disagree.

You are two distinctly different people. You each bring experiences, opinions, and passionate positions to bear on the critical decisions of your life together. That means your disagreement is the only way for you both to learn more about each other, and the best way to re-evaluate your own beliefs.

Instead of running from disagreement out of fear, or bullying your partner into the need to be on the same page, sit with it. What does it mean that you disagree? Perhaps he/she’s got a point? Perhaps you’re not as correct on this as you thought? Perhaps you are magnifying this disagreement in order to deal with the all the resentment you’ve got about another issue?

The only “same page” you need to be on in marriage is the marriage certificate itself.

Peace begins with pause,