“If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.”
(Jaques Anatole Thibault)

“He’ll always be my baby.” If I’ve heard that once, I’ve heard it a thousand times. And most people tend to agree with it, the idea that your youngest child will always be the baby of the family, or the baby in your eyes.

But just because most people agree with it doesn’t make it right.

Is your goal to infantilize your kid so he won’t ever grow up and out on his own? Good God, I hope not.

I say “he” because this sentiment is far more commonly said about boys than girls. We expect our girls to grow mature and responsible, but we tend to, if we’re not careful, give our boys a pass. We then justify it with the baby language.

This is not good, people. Parenting is not about keeping our kids small, young, and safe. It’s about raising amazing adults, capable of choosing their own path and supporting their own dreams, all the while taking full responsibility for themselves.

In many ways this is the central theme in all my work, and that’s why I’m so gosh-darned excited about our newest course on the Pause Platform, Choose Your Own Adulthood. There’s a high-schooler edition, as well as a college edition.

Look for that announcement in your email inbox later this morning with a special offer just for our Daily Pausers.

Peace begins with pause,

“To know, and not do, is to not yet know.”
(Zen saying)

One of the biggest lies in our world is the lie of education. You know, the one that says, “If we just knew better, we’d do better.”

I’m not out to disparage education–it’s an indispensable part of life. I’m just calling out the lie we believe about education, that it’s just about the acquisition of knowledge.

“If we just knew better, we’d do better.” Really? Let’s all raise our hands if we know we need to drink more water every day. (My hand is raised). So, how many of us did that yesterday? (My hand is no longer raised).

Education is not about the acquisition of knowledge; it’s about the application of it. Truly learning is truly doing. It would be better to not know something, than to know something and not do it. Why? Because not only do we come across as know-it-all blowhards that way, we violate our own standards. Every time we do something contrary to the way we “know” is best, we lose respect for ourselves, and those around us follow suit; they lose respect for us as well.

Take the art of becoming ScreamFree with your significant other. Calming down, growing up, and getting closer is a great thing to know, but it is only valuable if you dig deeper, figure out what it might look like in your own relationship, and start practicing it. So…breathe, confront your own part of the pattern, and then represent that to your spouse: “Honey, you’re right. I have been avoiding you lately, and I’m not sure why.”–that’s when the real education begins.

Same with ScreamFree Parenting, or Leadership. Start highlighting choices, instead of giving commands. Start pushing your own pause button as soon as you sense “them” trying to push your freak-out buttons: “I want to hear you clearly…what is the one thing you really want to me to understand?”–that’s when the real “learning” occurs. That’s when the truths you “know” drop from your brain into your bones.

A good rule of thumb: Don’t talk it till you’ve tried it. Resist the urge to talk about something you’ve “learned” until it is something you’ve tried.

Then teach it to the rest of us, and challenge us to put it into practice.

Peace begins with pause,

“Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them
was superior to circumstance.”
(Bruce Barton)

One of the paradoxes of parenting is this: At the same time, we want our children to be incredibly observant about reality and incredibly courageous in spite of what they see.

I wanted my son to know the scientific law of gravity, for instance, and yet I also wanted him to believe he can, with hard training, jump high enough to catch that ball over the centerfield fence.

I want my daughter, for instance to know the current difficulties of the book publishing business, and yet I want her to pursue her current dream of making it big in the book business.

We cannot promote one without the other. Dreams that don’t begin in reality are not dreams, they’re fantasies. Reality without a belief in the possibility of change is not reality, it’s fatalistic pessimism.

Let us, with courage, teach our kids two seemingly conflicting truths:

1. Life is what it is.
2. Life is what you make of it.

There are times when it’s best to teach one, and times to teach the other. Strive to create a balance of the two over the months and years as you lead your kids into adulthood, and then watch as they become grounded in both reality and their ability to change the world.

Peace begins with pause,

“The struggle ends when gratitude begins.”
(Neale Donald Walsh)

One sure-fire way to feel better this weekend is to wake up tomorrow morning and write down three things you’re grateful for. That’s it.

If you’re really bold you will attempt to do this while making yourself smile.

I did it this morning, and here’s what I wrote:

-I’m grateful my surgically-repaired hip and back are feeling stronger every week.
-I’m grateful my son has two great options for college next year.
-I’m grateful my wife is loving and brave enough to tell me things I need to hear…hard truths, but with a soft tone.

Now it’s your turn. I promise you’ll feel better about everything.

Peace begins with pause,

These are dreaded words. No spouse or significant other wants to hear them.

These are also false words. No spouse or significant other actually means them. What we really mean is either:

“Honey, I need to accuse you of something and I need you to apologize (in order to ease my anxiety),” or

“Honey, I need to pry and you need to open up and tell me what I want to hear (in order to ease my anxiety).”

Either way, we’re asking the other person to calm our anxieties for us. This may feel like we’re initiating a mature relationship conversation, but it’s really just the opposite. Any time we are needing another to validate us or make us feel less anxious, we are actually regressing towards immaturity. We are moving away from adulthood, and asking the other person to re-parent us.

This is why, whenever you’ve used these dreaded words in the past, your partner has at best, paused in confusion, or at worst, recoiled in terror.

Try something else instead: Authentic Self-Representation. Jenny and I talk about it at length in our book, ScreamFree Marriage. Here’s what it can look like:

“Honey, I love you and I love us, and that’s why I want to tell you something: I don’t like you right now. And I don’t like the fact that I don’t like you, so I’m trying to figure out if I’m doing something hurtful or annoying to you and I’m just not aware of it. Anyways, if you can think of something, lemme know. You don’t have to respond right now, or ever, but I wanted you to know what’s been going on with me lately.”

Peace begins with pause,

“If you don’t run your own life, somebody else will.”
(John Atkinson)

Authority is a tricky thing, really. Sometimes we crave it over somebody else, like a child we think needs to behave, or a co-worker who needs to get something done. Sometimes we crave it over ourselves, like whenever we’re that child, or we’re that co-worker, being told what to do.

What’s most fascinating is when we crave for someone else to have authority over us:

• “Just tell me what to do!” we may say to a boss (or a therapist).
• “I just don’t want to have to make any more decisions,” we may say to a spouse, after a long day’s work (in or out of the home).

While this is okay and understandable at times, it actually reflects a sobering truth: We’re scared to have full authority over our lives. Why? With authority comes responsibility. Responsibility for our present state of mind. Responsibility for the future outcome of a current decision. Responsibility for everything we do, feel, say, believe, etc.

This is scary, because once we take full responsibility for our lives, who’d be left to blame?

Peace begins with pause,

“He who asks questions cannot avoid the answers.”
(Cameroon Proverb)

Beware of asking your kid, “What were you thinking?!?” They usually weren’t thinking at all, but if they were you probably wouldn’t like the answer: “Well, I’ve actually been harboring resentment towards my sister ever since you brought her home from the hospital, and that’s why I hit her.”

Beware of asking your wife, “Why are you always mad at me?!?” No one is ever always anything, and by asking the question you’re admitting you don’t notice the times she’s pleased (which may be one of the reasons she does get upset with you.)

Beware of asking your husband, “How often do you think about sex?” The answer will startle you, and it’ll be at least 50% lower than the truth.

Peace begins with pause,

“The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving.“
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

Is it too late? I get asked that question on a regular basis. After learning about the power of pause, and the ScreamFree way of living and leading, some people are eager to know if their mistakes are too great to overcome. My answer is always another question: Too late for what? Too late to raise the perfect child? There’s no such thing, thankfully.

Too late to make a difference? Never.

All of us have made mistakes. Some of us are still stuck waist deep in them and can’t seem to find the way out. The first step is to relax, and take a good, long look at where you are, without feeling shame or guilt. Then do some thinking about where it is you want to go with your family. Move in that direction, one small next step, and you will see for yourself that it is never, ever too late to become a stronger person, and spouse, and parent.

Peace begins with pause,

We see it everyday:
* people on their cell phones, talking animatedly about what another person did to them, and what they told them (or wished they had told them) in reply
* people on TV, complaining about this or that relationship and not knowing what to do about it
* people in the office, chatting up anyone who will listen to their difficulties with this coworker, or that boss

All these people have somehow learned that’s it’s good and healthy to talk about their problems. Even self-health professionals like me have said so: “it’s good to talk about your problems with someone, instead of keeping it all stuffed inside.”

No, it’s not. Talking about our problems is not healthy. It is not productive, and it actually makes things worse. Why? Because talking about our problems is something we do with a third party in order to gain validation that we’re not to blame. We want the third party (and sometimes 4th, and 5th parties) to agree with us that we are somehow unjustly suffering.

The healthiest among us, those with the most successful relationships, do not talk about their problems; these people talk through them.

Talking through our problems means working through them, struggling to figure out a solution. Talking through our problems means we’re willing to see our contribution to the situation, and are ready to change our part. Finally, talking through our problems means choosing to address the person we’re having the problem with directly–we only invite a third party in order to provide some objectivity about our role and help us see that role more clearly.

Try not to talk about your problems today; try talking through them instead.

Peace begins with pause,

“Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time.”
(Chinese proverb)

I am just old enough to remember movie theaters that would rise and fall with the right projectionist, the man or woman feeding the film onto the big screen.

While our modern digital projectors no longer need those folks anymore, there are still plenty of projectionists out there. In fact, all or us, at one time or another, project onto people.

We all do it, whether we want to or not. We inevitably compare the lives of our children to the life each of us led as a child. But just because we all do it doesn’t make it right. We are doing our children a disservice if we either try to recreate our own childhood or try to run away from it. Both of these reactions are based on the assumption our children are growing up under the same time and place (and parenting) that we did.

Instead of either running from or running to your own experience, try taking an objective look at what’s right in front of you. Your child is a unique person whose experiences are totally different from yours at his/her age.

So today, let’s each ask ourselves: how might I be projecting my own childhood onto my own children?
* Do I expect them to be more grateful than I was, because they have so much more than I did?
* Do I need them to avoid the same mistakes I made, because deep down I hope they don’t turn out like me?
* Do I give them way too much, and try to make their lives way too easy, because I had so little and had to work so hard?

Peace begins with pause,