“Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.”
(Albert Camus)

“Being disrespectful” is a big one on many parents’ minds. Especially when your kids talk to you in ways you wouldn’t have dreamed of speaking to your own parents. Here’s the problem: you can’t teach someone to respect you by demanding them to respect you. You can only earn it by how you respond.

It’s paradoxical: Our kids respect us when we don’t need them to respect us.

It can start with something like this, said to your oldest, one-on-one:

“You can talk rudely to me if you want; I cannot control what comes out of your mouth. You, though, cannot control what I do in response; that’s up to me. So, you now have a choice: continue talking that way to me, or not—that’s up to you. If you do, I want you to know two things:
1) I will not get upset, because you’re not that powerful; and
2) You will not get to watch a screen of any kind for the next 24 hours.”

In this way, spoken in a calm, matter-of-fact tone, you are the one respecting them first. You respect their power and responsibility to control themselves, and thereby retain the power and responsibility to control yourself.

Peace begins with pause,

“Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure.”
(William Saroyan)

Did you lose it last week? With your colleague at work? Your lover? Your child? Yourself? I know I did.

Sometimes I hear from folks they want to be ScreamFree, but they just cannot imagine being that perfect. I hope I never give the impression you have to be.

ScreamFree is a pursuit of the mind, body, and spirit; we are seeking to become fully adult humans in a world of reactive lizards.

Since both humans and reptiles make mistakes, the difference is not whether you’ll fail, but whether you’ll learn from your failure.

Peace begins with pause,

“Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself.”
(Thomas Moore)

The biggest mistake we make in relationships is seeking from others what we can only give to ourselves:

your parents’ praise cannot give you true self-esteem
having a kid cannot grow your self-worth
oneness with another cannot complete you

This doesn’t mean in order to have relationships, you have to have it all together first. It just means instead of expecting your relationships to heal your struggles, expect them to continually reveal those struggles, and challenge you to grow through them.

Peace begins with pause,

“I told you so.”

The worst phrase we can say, if we want to enjoy great relationships, is any form of:
I told you so. I knew this would happen. I could’ve told you this was coming. Can I tell you…I thought this might be the result?

There is simply no redeeming quality of using this phrase. The only reason we ever do is to get the three Vs:

• Validation for our thoughts and opinions (which are obviously ignored over and over again!)
• Vindication from the other person (who now, in their sorrowful state, should finally recognize how much they need my forethought and wisdom!)
• Victory over our own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity (now that the facts prove I was right, all I need is your apologetic acknowledgment and I will finally feel strong and smart and worthy of respect!)

It’s okay. Those stomped all over my toes as well. As those who live and work with me will tell you, I’m just as guilty as anybody.

The irony is the stronger I actually feel about myself and my positions, the less I need you or anyone else to acknowledge I’m right. And…the less I care whether I’m factually right. In fact, the stronger I feel about myself, the more I’m concerned about being relationally right with you, rather than factually right over/against you.

Let’s try this instead:

• “Sounds like things didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped. That stinks; I hate it when that happens.”

Peace begins with pause,

“You always/never …”
(every accuser trying to build a perfect argument by misrepresenting reality)

Whenever we find ourselves using words like “always” and “never,” we are normally trying to do one thing, and one thing only: shape reality in order to make an ironclad accusatory case against someone.

See, the truth is that no one is ever always anything. And no one ever always, or never, does anything. People are simply not that consistent. The reason we use “always” and “never” is to try and eliminate any exceptions to our case. The problem is this exposes our argument to reality—the other person can simply recount one example of doing otherwise and thus, poke holes in our case and escape our accusation.

Try this instead:
• “I find it hurtful that you so rarely say ‘I’m sorry.”
• “I know I’m biased, but it certainly seems like you blame me for far too much around here”

Peace begins with pause,

“Fine. Whatever.”
(every exasperated person who feels defeated and powerless in their efforts to change others)

This phrase should only be allowed if we’re throwing our arms up in resignation while we say it, because that’s what we’re doing—resigning.

We may just be quitting on the argument at hand, but start saying this enough and we’ll find ourselves quitting on the whole relationship.

Try these instead:

“I no longer want to continue this argument; I believe it matters to you more than it does to me, so I will respect whatever you decide.”

Or, if you’re really brave:

“It seems as if you are trying to make me feel defeated. Is that what you want?”
(but only if you want to start addressing your growing resentment about the relationship).

Peace begins with pause,

“I’m sorry, but…”
(every non-apologetic apologizer)

Yesterday we looked at The 5th Worst Phrase You Can Say. Today it’s The 4th. I’ve written on this one before, but the gist is this: whenever we say “I’m sorry, but…,” we might as well spell it “butt,” ‘cause that’s what we’re calling the other person.

Take the classic apology to our kids: “I’m sorry Daddy yelled, but your behavior was so bad I had to do something to get your attention…”

The end purpose is to effectively promote ourselves as the good guys and to blame someone else as the real responsible party.

“You’re a butt, for not only doing what you did but for also making me feel guilty about my reactions to what you did.”

Try this instead:
• “I apologize for my behavior. You deserve better from me.”

Peace begins with pause,

Hey Pausers out there,

I’m in the thick of writing my next book, so please enjoy this week’s Pauses from the past. As always, I love hearing your feedback, so just comment and let us know what you think!

“I’m just sayin’…”
(passive-aggressive people everywhere)

We all want to enjoy great relationships with the people that matter most. Spouses & kids, friends & coworkers, siblings & parents. Even our bosses.

Too bad we let our mouths get in our way.

This week we’re going to examine 5 common phrases we all use, which almost always damage the very relationships we want to enjoy. Today’s is so popular, and so seemingly harmless, you might question its placement here.

“I’m just sayin’…” Umm, no you’re not. No one is ever “just sayin’.” You’ve just uttered a potentially uncomfortable, rude, or controversial statement, and now you’re trying to passive-aggressively pass it off as just a passing thought.

By saying “just sayin’,” we somehow believe we can’t be held accountable for the statement. Like if I’m just saying my opinion, I’m not actually doing anything with it.

Let’s be honest instead. Every time we speak, we’re doing something with that speech. We’re always trying to influence someone to think, feel, or do something. So, let’s be grownups and admit it.

Like this:

“I’m not just sayin’ this—I really want you to consider a different decision.”

Or

“I’m not just sayin’ this—I really think that guy is dangerous.”

Or how about this:

“I’m not just sayin’—I really don’t like it when you say ‘just sayin’.”

Peace begins with pause,

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
(John Steinbeck)

Perfectionism is a disease. Once introduced into a system, it permeates into practically every arena of life: work, school, sport, parenting, romance, diet, exercise, sex…everything. What makes it so dangerous is how it can appear truthful, by infiltrating good virtues like excellence, quality, self-esteem, finishing a task, or “doing your best.” One theory about the struggles of Millennials is their struggle with perfectionism:
–In the Information Age, where all the world’s answers await only the perfectly phrased Siri question or Google search, the idea of making a mistake out of ignorance is no longer allowed.
–In the Self-Esteem Age, where all the world’s parents were sold on propping up our kids’ egos, and therefore protecting them from all failure, then making any mistake at all is terrifying.

Here’s the truth: you can either be perfect, or you can be real. Same with your kids.

(This is one of the main messages in the book I wrote to my daughter, Choose Your Own Adulthood. It became an Amazon Bestseller, and of course, you can find it there. But I’m even more excited that next month, we will be releasing the Online Learning and Growth version of it on our new Pause Platform – in editions specifically designed for high-schoolers, college students and twenty-somethings in the workplace. Look out for more information on that later this month!)

Peace begins with pause,

“All great change in America begins at the dinner table.”
(Ronald Reagan)

Jenny here (Hal’s wife). I don’t know about you, but there are times when I’ve felt a bit helpless to make any sort of real difference in the way the world works. The vastness of the issues we face…such as poverty, health care costs, terrorism, economic uncertainty, gun violence, etc., makes me want to bury my head in the sand. Then I remember this quote from The Great Communicator.

If I really want to change my society for the better—and I do—I don’t have to look any further than my own dining room. The home is the hub of our culture. And while policy may be made around boardrooms and senate floors, people are made around board games and kitchen tables. It’s these little children (or in our case, one remaining large young man) we get to be with every day who will run this world in the near future. They’ll soon be the ones dealing with all these problems we’ve helped create, and it’s not only my job as a mother, but also as a good citizen, to make sure they are well equipped for the job.

So, tonight before dinner, take just a moment to reflect on the importance of your undertaking as a parent. And as you pass the potatoes, don’t forget to encourage the values that you wish to see in the world: compassion, responsibility, and self-control.

Peace beings with pause,
Jenny