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Stop Doing Your Duty
I know this may sound crazy, but contrary to what your grandparents may have told you, duty and obligation and honor are not the highest values of civilization. And they’re among the worst values for creating great relationships.
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Love Covers Even More Than Snow
For some of you, buried underneath a couple of different drifts already, this song makes sense. Snow, for you, doesn’t mean caroling and wassailing, it means scraping and shoveling.
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No Truth, No Reconciliation
In order to find your peace, you have to face your conflicts. And this may mean forgiving some people in order to reconcile your differences.
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Expect Less
One of the things that makes extended family issues so difficult is the fact of being “family.” That label carries with it certain expectations: loyalty, belonging, support, connection, love.
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“Honey, we need to talk”
These are dreaded words. No spouse or significant other wants to hear them.
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Loyalty is Overrated
Ask a hundred people on the street what character values they admire most, and almost all of them will eventually say “loyalty.” It is universally praised as a most likable trait.
I, however, find loyalty to be overrated, as we typically understand it. Overrated and misguided. -
Battling Against a Battle
Battle is a word from warfare, and it conveys the idea of trying to defeat your opponent. That’s why it is so difficult to have what Ms. Landers calls a “good” battle. As long as you are defining your significant other as your opponent, and as long as you are handling the natural conflicts between you by trying to defeat this opponent, you will not create the close relationship you crave.
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Having a Clean House is Overrated
Imagine your child in 25 years, sharing a cup of coffee with a friend as they reminisce about their childhood. What would you rather hear as a fly on the wall?
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More Conflict, Less Resentment
Whenever a couple comes into my counseling office and exclaims they haven’t had a fight in 3 years, I always respond the same way: Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?!?! And then I listen for whose internal time-bomb of resentment is ticking the loudest.
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Tell Me Don’t Show Me
Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you. (Austin O’Malley) Funny thing about revenge—in an effort to heal our hurt we decide to hurt right back. Whenever we choose to do the same behavior in retaliation, It’s as if we deem the other person’s bad behavior not bad in and of […]